Away

Sep. 18th, 2017 02:47 pm
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife and I are currently in Rhodes, my in laws are also here as they booked 2 weeks away we only booked a week due to our budget. I'm feeling a bit frustrated, my father in law seems to think I'm rich and keeps getting me to buy drinks when he's not doing that he states how much their half is when out for meals so the waiter will take the menus and he'll start working it out and say that's €23! I feel like saying what you not paying for us then?? I mean I understand working things out when the bill arrives but he acts like we're going to cheat him out of money. It's just the way he is, he likes to know what's going on and make sure everyone knows what's going on. Normally it's not a problem but when on holiday it becomes a bit much. It's like they want to know when we're going to wake up so I'm setting alarms but then they're like well wake up whenever, but when are you going to wake up?
My wife said the other day she doesn't really want to have sex anymore, it's too painful and she doesn't really feel in the mood any more. I understand all the hormone therapy messes with her emotions and she can be really irritable. She almost went mental at a waiter today and she gets snappy. I've asked her many times this week what I've done and she apologises saying it's not me.
I feel frustrated and feel sometimes I can't win. I want a sex life and for it to be fun, I'm hoping it will happen. My wife says she wishes she wanted sex to feel closer but just isn't up for it.
I've contacted the careers advisor to see if I can sort my CV out and start searching again.
My dad called yesterday and seemed angry that I was in Greece with a how can you afford it kinda attitude and sounded disappointed. I said we'd booked it like a year ago and how was his holiday and he seemed to calm down a bit.
My wife still talks about moving to north England or Wales somewhere cheaper, that stresses me out a little.
One thing I have notice as well and I brought to my wife's attention is the fact she tries to assign blame even if it's no ones fault. There's been a few times when she says it's not my fault it's yours because I didn't do something or other and if I had it wouldn't have happened. I reply I didn't think it was your fault, I didn't think it was mine either I think it just happened and no one is to blame. She will then reply saying ok, but it's not mine. That gets frustrating I said to her sometimes no one is to blame so please stop blaming me for things, as I never blame you for anything.
schnoodle: (Default)
This afternoon i had my final face to face counselling session, The counselling could not be extended any further than 9 sessions, originally there were only met to be 7 but I was given another 2 as she felt i needed it. She is putting me forward for group therapy, as she feels i still need help dealing with my emotions and stepping back. She says I deal with issues and problems generally very well and actually better than most, however i have a tendency to obsess about problems and let them overwhelm me emotionally even if I've actually dealt with the issue practically. I need to let to step back and say I have done enough and just let it go.
She asked how I was feeling and I said very anxious especially with regards to the appointment next week. I said my wife and I have been in limbo since April and we don't know what's going to happen, but everything has been leading up to this point and the future and what direction our lives will take will very much be effected. More treatment? How long she will have to live? They are all possible. Depending on the outcome I may well have to search for work again, I have been at home for almost a year now and the thought of going to work and leaving my wife home alone is also scary.
I said and he counsellor agreed that communication with my wife is much better, especially now I'm out trying to fix things all the time. It's still hard I explained that my wife doesn't think she'll I've another 4 years to make it to 40. The counsellor said that must be hard to hear. I said it is and that my wife has also looked into funerals and putting things in place. The counsellor said my wife is probably trying o be productive and keep busy, I replied I know that's exactly what it is and I know the time will come. I said I know we talked about life being a journey but I think when that day comes the journey will end and I will want to be with her. I also confessed that as horrible as it sounds when it does happen I want it to be quick and painless and that I have thought f a life after and how and what I think it'll be like, I'm to sure I want to face it. She said that was understandable too as my wife has been talking about my life after she's gone. I know my wife is so scared of the future, I wish I could take away that pain.
I said I felt very alone and I didn't really know who to talk to, she said I have done all I can. I have this journal which I'm not sure anyone actually reads but is important to me to be completely open and honest rather than trying to hide and pretend everything is OK on say Facebook. I have running which I still do which helps keep me active and clears my mind. I have sort help in dealing with everything. I am trying to remain strong and positive in very, very difficult circumstances. I had a good cry and said there wasn't anything else I could do, I just have to try and stay strong. The counsellor said I was doing great but I shouldn't be alone, I need people I can talk to and just be myself even if it to rant and rave and they just listen, if nothing else just to know that I'm not alone because when the end does come there'd be nothing worst then dealing with it with no support.
Concerned with my anxiety regarding the appointment next week she arranged a follow up telephone call to discuss how it went and to point me in the direction of at future support.
schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my 8th counselling session I have one more to go as I was given an extension on the original 7 sessions due to the problems I've been having. There is talk of giving me extra help and support after they come to an end. This session seem to go by so fast, I didn't mean to but it all focused around my wife and the issues we've been having especiythis week because my results were so low. I just said she keeps snapping and having a go at me for everything and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.
My wife and I discussed it quickly before I left and my wife said that she knew she was being a complete cunt and asshole to me all week. I said I understand and I really do understand that she scared, frustrated and angry especially with the hospital appointment coming up it's making her worse. However although I'm understanding why I said to her it's still hurtful and wearing when I'm being verbally attacked and told to fuck off! on almost a daily basis. To give an example my wife was talking about her having a sore back yesterday and I acknowledged it and was snapped at and told to fuck off! And I replied well i don't know what I can do? I've suggested taking pain killers or a hot bath but you won't do that and say I'm not being helpful and telling me to fuck off! She then calms down and says she's sorry but it just goes on like this.
The counsellor said unfortunately there's nothing I can do, it's just a shitty situation and there's nothing anyone can do. The only think to probably do is don't try and fix it. She said I'm a fixer and I'm a good person to have in a crisis who has good suggestions and knows how to sort things but cancer isn't something I can fix. Trying to fix things probably by suggesting things is probably seen as not being helpful. I said it hard because I've tried a agreeing, not agreeing, staying quiet and try and adapt to the situation but she's just angry.
I described it a bit like meditation and I'm trying to keep equilibrium, my wife however swings sometimes switches violently between happy and sad. The counsellor said it sounds exhausting and I said it is, it really is. I have to really watch what I say and how I say it not to make things worse. I gave the example the other day but having an argument on something we were actually agreeing on.
I said it's not always about what I say either sometimes I'm accused of having a look in my eye or my body language and I'm giving off signals that I'm not even aware of. And told that I'm thinking a certain thing, as if I don't know my own mind.
I said I get angry too about some of the plans my wife talks about, it's good to have ideas about the future, but when she says things like your family will always give you money and we'll move out of the area and I'll study at university and you'll get a great job and you'll pay for everything, then it stresses me out. I said to the counsellor and I've told my wife also I focus on the day and the next day, it's good to have things to look forward to but at the moment I don't have a job and I don't have that much in savings and I don't know what the future will bring and it's stressful to put that pressure on me when I'm just trying to look after her and keep everything stable. I said she's like someone who's just got a credit card and is deciding all the things they can spend it on. I said she's not being reckless but she's not always considering all the consequences to living here and now. I understand again that's the cancer and she's worried she's not got long to life but at the same time I believe and hope she will have many years to come but again it needs balance. Otherwise it's like the person who is shocked when the card company want their money paid back. I said we have a mortgage and bills to pay and booking holidays and spending money have nice things is great but if you end up with no money and no roof other your head it's also worrying.
I said it was worse because appointment at the end of the month is coming up that would be a very good or very bad depending on what happens with that I would probably need more support because either way I think it's going to be rough.
As I say the session was over very quickly she said again there's nothing I can do but I needed to protect myself emotionally even if that was just going for a walk by myself to give myself a break.

Irritable

Aug. 16th, 2017 11:23 am
schnoodle: (Default)
Things have been stressful in the last week my wife has been very irritable, which in turn makes me irritable. I completely understand why she feels the way she does, she's afraid and worried about further treatments and the hospital appointment at the end of the month. Trouble is she takes it out on me and I end up thinking what the fuck did I do? She calms down and she's sorry and says she's a complete cunt and admits that I haven't done anything wrong or at least not intentionally anyway. I mean she lost it over my Mum and I discussing whether my mum she get now tv and said I was being difficult and doing it on propose. I was trying to make her angry,
Anyway I try to them let it go but I still get irritated by everything afterwards, I almost lost it doing the washing up because I found a chip in a bowl. I wanted to scream and smash it on the floor in stead I just said for fucks sake! There have just been other things and we've just been snappy with one another.
Case in point we just had a bit of a fight and said we should stop fight because I'm actually agreeing with her and not dismissing her but there's no point in arguing over something we're agreeing on.
schnoodle: (Default)
Just finished my counselling session she said my results from my questionnaire was a great improvement and maybe we have reached a turning point, she asked what I had been doing/thinking this week to get such a positive outlook. I said a few things had happened this week
1. I had dug a tree stump up and although it in itself wasn't a big deal, it had been harder than I thought it would be, it had taken a lot of work and energy but I felt it was a big achievement as it was something I had been putting off for over 2 years. So I was pleased with myself for doing it.
2. My wife's sister is coming over from Florida in a couple of weeks and we have been busy trying to get the house sorted for guests, this again involves things we have been putting off for a while and we have been sorting as well as tidying.
3. I had to go to the Job Centre to meet my work coach on Wednesday to keep getting my ESA and I thought they were going to give me such a hard time, but infact were really understanding, he said we want to help you and your wife in this difficult time and support you and help you get back into work when you are ready. I was grateful for this as I said I wanted to get back to work but until my wife was well enough and I also felt ready considering my emotional breakdown I did need the help and I was grateful for it as I didn't want to get caught up in the benefit system. Being at work would do me good, it would give me structure, routine and working again with people.
4. This is a bit of a weird one, I went to get a new light bulb from Homebase yesterday and bumped into a girl I used to go to College with who I hadn't seen in like 18 years. I met her daughter who is 20, it was a bit awkward as she has a habit of speaking at you but it was interesting to discuss what has happened in the time apart from the fact she has a grown up daughter. She said that she thought of me only the other day. This amazed me because I can say that she hadn't really crossed my mind at all but she remembered me fondly and said she remembered my art and me being so confident and creative.
I said it made me think what happened and why am I in the state that I'm in? Is in a midlife crisis? Just a low point? Have I always been like this? I said it made me think "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." why am I always back here?
I said "suicide is painless" from MASH had been going around in my head a lot, she was a bit worried about this but then I played it for her and she was surprised it was so upbeat. I said it's from a comedy and that it's really about duality and I said the words rang true for me:
"The game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna lose it anyway, The losing card I'll someday lay so this is all I have to say. suicide is painless, it brings on many changes and I can take or leave it if I please."
So basically I don't know I can do but I can't win and I won't win because I will die someday but as she was saying it about life as a journey.

She asked me some interesting questions one of which was do you think of yourself as an adult? Which made me stop and say someways yes in otherways no. I don't feel any different to as I did as a child and in many ways. I said that there's a part of me that's never really wanted to grow up, that responsibility, deal with things.
I did have a time when I was in my teens when I had a "fuck it" attitude and damn the consequences however over the years I have been more thoughtful and considered my actions and taken responsibility. Inside I've felt afraid like a small child who just wants to hide. I have had to deal with everything but I don't really always know how to really cope and deal with situations not emotionally anyway.
She said as an adult I need to take risk to grow and make myself happy. She said that I seem to sabotage myself.
We discussed working and my meeting at the job centre she said it risks are important to grow and move in a career, I said that for me it's been very difficult because although she said I should take control and take risks regarding work to move forward in my career I said for my last 4 roles I've not had a choice and I've been made redundant and I have been loyal and not had the company care about me. She said I had been through a lot and my confidence had been destroyed and needed building up. My upbringing had also messed with my head. She asked me about taking risks and I replied my grandmother voice enters my had and tells me not to do it, play it safe.
She said I'm an adult and I need to learn to take risks and take the power back but I seem to be realising this and slowly she thinks I'm reexaminating my benefits, reckoning and coming to terms with the issues I have.
schnoodle: (Default)
Today I had my 6th counselling session, it was a hard session I said I wanted to control my suicidal thoughts, but in fact I'm not necessary doing it to myself but I described these thoughts which she said are brutal and I'm often the victim. For example I said a lot of the time I'm trying to sleep and these thoughts pop into my head, I said I'd asked my mum if she still owned an axe because there's a tree I want to dig up and cut the roots, later that night I had a version of an axe splitting my head open and chopping me to pieces.
She asked me how often I got thoughts like this and I said pretty much every day/night, I don't really want to think these thoughts but for some reason I deserve it and that in some ways they should happen. She said I was mentally self harming and that I'm trying to take emotional anger and pain and mentality trying to make that physical and a way of coming to terms and dealing with it.
We talked my wife's cancer and the reasons to life and I said that I wanted to feel like I wanted to live but really what is there to live for? I'm some day going to die and my wife's going to die and it's like a game I cannot win. She reminded me that she wasn't dead yet and I should try and enjoy life especially the time left, I can be happy and a future and life is a journey. I have been through a lot of trauma and had to deal with a lot, I have a lot of anger and frustration and lack of control, that I'm going through a lot and that I need to look after myself and I'm worth it, we're going through a hard time but we're together and life is not over. My frustrations are because life isn't fair and that I'm trying to make sense of life and death and ATM it's in sharp focus.
I did cry a bit, I said she's making me face myself and my thoughts and feelings. She said I have to remember that my wife is being treated and looked after but someone needs to take care of me too and I need to remember that, I'm suffered maybe not physically but emotionally I'm going through a lot.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had my 5th counselling session on Monday, the counsellor was worried because my results of my questionnaire showed signs of being suicidal. I said I didn't know about that but I was certainly fed up, and pissed off, she asked me to explain further. I explained that on the Saturday I'd gone into London with my wife to have her gastric band adjusted and I kept getting emails and a call from my mum regarding her cat she'd not seen for 4 days. She sent me a missing cat poster which I had to redo because she'd put too much information on there. Like he's a lovely cat and I've spent my time looking since Tuesday etc. So I had to redo it by simplifying it and adding things like MISSING CAT and a phone number and removing all of things she'd done. I Said no one interested, all their interested in is what the cat looks like when it went missing, where it went missing and contact number. Anyway I did this all on my phone. I said I'd pop over there to help her look and to hand out these posters. So we got back from London early especially and I go other there. To be greeted by my mum asked why I hadn't printed the posters off, I'm like I've been in London all day and I emailed you the poster so you could print it! She then told me her printer hasn't been used in like 6 years. I'm like when I don't have any ink in my printer so I'll have to do it later and so it wasn't a wasted trip I would help her look for the cat. So we looked and couldn't find him, my mum spoke to a random neighbor who she was convinced had stolen her cat.
Anyway here's the bit that upset me, back at hers I asked if she was ok and she lose it completely at me, everything was my fault, she's old and can't do anything. She'd asked me to replace some of her flooring and I hadn't done it, everything with me is conditional, I don't care, all I want is her money. I was like ???? What the hell? I'm like what are you on about? I've helped you do the poster? I've come around to help you look for your cat? You offered me money for new printer cartridges which I accepted. You have offered me money to help me out. I haven't asked for the money. I'm very grateful but it's not my fault. She replied I shouldn't accept what's been offered! I'm like what offer then?
As for the floor I wasn't confident enough to do the floor at the time and as for being old and not able to do anything that's not my fault either. I pointed out that she has more then one son, she just said my brother was next to useless and she never bothers him.
I stood my ground and just said your upset about your cat but that's no reason to take it all out on me! She replied who else am I going to take it out on. Anyway in the end she said she was sorry and she loved me.
The following day she called and said I need you to arrange an appointment at the vets and I need you to take me because about 30 minutes after I left her car came back.
So on the Monday I did, I was still however really cross with her, because going through enough shit at the moment and I don't need adding to it especially over her cat.
My mum apologised again and said that she was really sorry I said that she'd really hurt me and that I'd been feeling down all weekend because of it and she should understand what I'm going through and accept my help and not cause me more problems. The counsellor said I've done very well and I had actually stood up for myself that this was a good step good progress and I said that with my mother I can be quite direct and open again with everything else it's not something I feel I have to deal with. The counsellor said I was emotionally vulnerable at the moment and my mother was playing the victim, to make me do things for her and that again I'd done really well. I said I had stood up to her but emotionally it was too much. She said I was a good problem solver and I had a rational brain.
I was a bit annoyed because talking about this experience took pretty much the whole session and it wasn't something I wanted to take about considering how much sessions I have left. The counsellor said it was good because it gave her another insight into how much mind works and the relationship with my mother.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had my fourth session on Friday, it's funny alway beforehand I think I have no idea what to talk about and I still end up running over.
I discussed my wife's therapy session and talked about grief and that's was right on the nose what I had been feeling and read her out the page my wife had been given including the stages = Loss - Disbelief/Denial - Sadness/Anger/Despair/Guilt/Punishment - Anxiety/Hopelessness/Helplessness - Acceptance & Reinvesting in life. She said that's all true but it doesn't mean it's in that order and you can also repeat the same pattern again as well as comments/events can set the cycle again. My wife and I may well both be going through grief but that didn't mean we were at the same stage. She said that we seem to be talking a lot more and there seems to be more acceptance that I'm trying to deal with this too and that she's not alone. As I explained my wife said I was being overprotective but then said she'd be worse.
I talked about thoughts of suicide and I said I won't but it still plays on my mind a lot, I talked about trying to escape the situation and wanting a way out. She asked why I thought about these things and I replied it's the age old questions- why am I here? Am I nothing more? What have I done to deserve this? What's the point in any of it? I said these questions enter my head all the time. Maybe there's a better after life. I said that my wife and I talked about her death after her hospital appointment and it was hard. She told me she's not afraid of dying she's a afraid of me being left alone and leaving me. I said to the counsellor why would I want to be in a world where she's not in it? That's hard.
She asked if that suicide wasn't selfish and I should think of my parents and possible futures, and that I could possibly have a future marriage with someone else and being a man I'm not limited by my body clock and therefore could still have children.
I said all this is true but I do wonder how successful in life I am and how successful I could be, I said how saddened I was to hear about Chester Bennington and how much I like Linkin Park. She asked if that wasn't a reason not too. I said that I was angry because he had 6 kids, was famous, rich and had been very successful and he had taken his own life. To me he had everything to live for, I said he does show that depression and abuse don't care about how successful you are but especially having 6 kids he shouldn't have taken his life because to me that is selfish.
I said atm I was afraid of the future and what it could be and that I analyse everything for risk and I'm afraid to pretty much do anything, my wife on the other hand has a new view on life and wants to do everything and anything. I said that scares me a lot and set my anxiety off. I said she has money and wants to live life while she can because she doesn't know how long she has left. I'm a bit more calious because I don't know how long I have and ATM I don't have a lot. She said that could cause conflict and I said it has done. I'm trying to let go and roll with things a little more and try and do things and not be so worried about things.
I was told it was striking the right balance and weighing up the risks and gains. I had said I play things too safe and I want to be more sex, drugs and rock n roll and get jealous of these people with a life fast, die young kinda attitude but again I'm fearful about things and don't want to die young or get STI's or do drugs but I do really want to life. I said I had a dream of being on my deathbed and regretting not living.
She said that I afraid of being left with nothing and I said I was, no wife, no job, no house, no money, no life, nothing at all and that scares me a lot.
She asked me what I wanted to focus on I trying to be happy and enjoy the time I still have with my wife and build some good memories

Grief

Jul. 20th, 2017 07:18 am
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife's therapy went well yesterday, she talked about how she's been feeling and what she'd like to achieve by having a bucket list. One of the interesting comments from the therapist was that my wife and I are suffering from grief and we're both in morning. For the life we could have had and trying to cope with what will happen sooner or later.
A friend last night said no one knows how much time they have and that you might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I get that, but that is an accident rather than knowing what will happen even if you don't know when. It's a hard thing to deal with and it needs to be talked about. My therapist asked my wife what she thought would make me happy, she said that was easy I would like to know how long, to plan and know what to do. However I also don't want to know because I don't want to face it either. I'm hoping that the doctors at the end of august will give us a better idea of what will happen next.
schnoodle: (Default)
I'm currently sitting in a hospital waiting room, my wife is currently seeing a psychiatrist to talk about what's happening and face the fact she has cancer and it's effects. It's going to be tough I think as I don't think and my wife has admitted that she hasn't been dealing with it. This morning was my old PE teacher's retirement assembly and my wife is determined that I should make it I arrived 5 minutes late which was pretty good considering how late we were running. I shook my old teachers hand and said congratulations on his retirement, I was told it would be about 10 minutes long, originally I was told it would be from 8.30am until 9am but it was changed to 8.55am until 9.05am. I had explained to my old school friend that I wouldn't be able to stay long due to wanting to be there for my wife. She had been let down by lots of people so I felt I had to be there, however I can't be in two places at once. By 9.25am we were still waiting on the sidelines and I just couldn't wait any longer. I said to my friend that I had to go and was thanked by some of the teachers for coming. My wife was sat in the car and we went off to hospital and got to her appointment on time.
She gave me a bit of a hard time and said I should have driven to the assembly and she could have gone to the appointment by herself and she didn't need me there.
I said no because it's her first appointment, it came along first and I wanted to be there to support her especially afterwards. The main reason for going to the assembly was to support my friend more then anything else, as she'd been let down by so many people from school. Was a hard time to get there really as most people will be working.
Anyway in the end she said I was being overprotective, however she thought about it and said if the shoe was on the other foot she'd be worse and probably wouldn't let me wipe my on bum and would never leave myself she'd be that protective, I pointed out I wasn't that bad but it was nice to see where I was coming from.
schnoodle: (Default)
Counselling I'm told is going well and going in a good direction. I think it's going well not sure of the direction. She is focused a lot on my childhood, I told her a word which kept popping into my head while I was trying to sleep the other night - "deserve". I deserve to suffer, you deserve this, you deserve everything you get... she said there's a lot of self loathing and a lot of anger in general. She asked where some of that came from and again asked about my childhood I said I had a primary school teacher who hated boys and terrified me, there was real focus on how wonderful girls were pretty, clear, wee behaved. Boys were stupid, naughty and should be seen and not heard. I said there was a lot of sugar and spice and all things nice that's what little girls are made of, slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails that's what little boys are made of.
I said I felt when I was growing up and possibly because I didn't really hang around many boys, mainly girls, I was made to feel that men are evil, responsible for all the problems in the world and all bastards. Also that I was male because I was different and wasn't normal, always in the friends zone and a real none entity.
I said I feel labelled as being a man, we're always only after one thing, don't understand, create all the problems in the world, responsible for everything. However we are all raised my women and a lot of how we view the world actually comes from women. I said if a women is interested and open about sex wants and desires she's considered liberated and confident if it's a man he is considered to be a pervert and deviant. Of course this isn't always the case, but we do seem to like giving labels. Yet sexual feelings are a basic human need, it's part of our DNA. It brought about discussion about different generations and what is considered normal, most of the rules we life by are stupid social inventions.
I said I remember having a bit of an argument with a girl I knew and she was complaining about the attention she was getting "how would you like it if everyone wanted to penetrate you!!!" I replied it depended if I wanted penetrating? How would you feel if no one wanted to penetrate you? You'd be complaining that no one was giving you any attention. You can't have it both ways or all on your own terms. She used to complain a lot about boys not being interested. I said I didn't feel people, girls especially were interested in me, so I was actually jealous.
I was very depressed and numb while growing up and spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, my emotions were very shut off. This was mainly due to the normal boys don't cry or some their emotions. I also said that my mother used to say I had a bad temper and I would end up killing someone and ending up in prison. I needed to learn control and hide my temper.
Work was also discussed and lack of progression as well as control and I wondered if I had held myself back and if unknowingly I had sabotaged myself choosing safe options and not taking risks, not liking the attention especially being dyslexic. I said it's odd sometimes I'm an attention seeker but it someone else makes me the centre of attention I don't like it and shut up and you wouldn't even know I was there.
We discussed again how I felt and thought about things growing up, she said she thought part of the problem was I was never really asked how I really felt about things or what I thought. My self identify wasn't properly developed and I was just expected to accept things and not to really question things.
schnoodle: (Default)
Today I had my 2nd counselling session, went through many subjects -
* My ex fiancée and how our relationship destroyed my self esteem and many believes. How communication broke down and she left without given me a second thought because she wanted to sleep with someone else and didn't think we have a future. How she didn't want to talk, fix it or even try. How the last time I actually saw her she thanked me and said she couldn't have gotten through things without me. 6 months later she called me haven't read my journal and realising how much pain and suffer she'd cause me. I still ended up comforting her and said what did she expect. I said to the counsellor I'm not a wall and I do have feelings!

* Frustrations over social norms vs basic instincts, this covered many areas - dating rituals, job interviews, health issues profit vs compassion. For example I said why should I as a male have to try and impress and chase a girl? Why should a male have to pay during a date? Be the gentleman and how to try and impress? Why cant people just like someone else? Why does there have to be an agenda? Why to I have to get all dressed up in a suit to impress someone in an interview? Surely if I'm good enough and have the skills, why can't I just have the job. Etc. Etc.

* Areas of my childhood - not really feeling I fitted in, wasn't in any social clicks I was just wierd, didn't think I made a good male, didn't like sports, didn't play football, had lots of girl "friends" and actually being told I wasn't a normal bloke. How my mother would tell me a lot that she wished I'd been a girl. That I had a bad temper and my mother would say I'd end up killing someone some day and that I had to learn control.
My brother asking me to ask my dad for toys, as he couldn't do it and that I sometimes got toys I didn't actually want just to make my brother happy.
How my parents and grandparents would sit in the living room and discuss my life and what I should be doing, trying to do with my life. I said that I always believe they would do this because they always wanted the bet for me but that they could add a lot of pressure and especially my grandparents would show the displeasure about many of my choices. She was surprised this would actually happen with me in the room.

* Expressing myself - how I don't feel I can actually say what I mean, that I find it easier to take to say Americans because they tend to say what they actually mean rather than try and hint or be subtle. I want people to be straight forward say what they mean, so example rather than "fancy coming in for a coffee?" Instead say "I'm horny fancy coming in for a screw!" Etc. Or if someone says MAYBE YOU SHOULD... therefore implying you NEED to.
I said I understand this isn't always straightforward and sometimes insensitive but there are many things I feel I therefore can't say because I'm afraid of the reaction I will get therefore don't say anything. If someone is open and honest and I can speak openly I feel a lot better with not judgements.

* My wife and our situation- I said I felt I had been unfair and selfish in not understanding my wife's needs, that she is actually emotionally and not necessarily logically. That I need to try to more open and just let go.
She questioned this and asked how I had been selfish that by the sounds of it my wife and I are in 2 different places and I shouldn't just let go and give in to everything my wife wants. I said I wasn't intending to but that it's been pointed out to me that that if she hasn't got long left they it would be better to build good memories rather than regrets and that should be more important and that I've not been seeing it that way. So trying to be open to going more places, doing more things together would be good rather than no. Also my wife being away has shown me how much I love and miss her and that I don't want to be alone.

* My career development or lack therefore of, how I'd not been able to do what I wanted and felt I'd had to take roles, my dyslexia had been an issue, going to university later and feeling how my life was wasting away.

The hour came to an end very quickly and I thanked her and said that I appreciated her insights, she said that she thought I had real problems in my childhood, I'd not developed emotional healthy, that it sounded like my parents and grandparents had expectations and how tried to mould me and put a lot of pressure on me from a young age to be and act a certain way and that I wasn't able to really be myself.

I said that it helps her guiding me and that I felt I was making connections, she said it was important to remember I was doing this for me, I said I'd been told before I'm a people pleaser and she said it did seem that I do a lot for others and didn't really consider myself at all and seem very lost. She asked if I had many close friends that I saw and I said I didn't really have many and since I'd seen her I'd seen 2 people the rest of the time I'd been doing DIY and had been alone. I'd spoken to my wife daily via video chat but hadn't seen anyone physically.
She said it was important especially with everything that was currently happening I would need extra emotional support and that I should seek it out asap.

She want to discuss my childhood further next week.
schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my first counselling session, she was actually very good she picked up things I wasn't really aware of. She asked me what I wanted and I said answers and new ways of dealing with the things I need to deal with. I explained about my wife, cancer, money, holidays, feeling hopeless, lack of control, I said I wanted to be there more for my wife and go along with her not slow her down but I didn't seem to be able to and had problems dealing with everything.
She asked me about my childhood and if I'd ever suffered from sexual abuse, I said no one had ever asked me that before, when I've seen counsellors before they normally let to rant for an hour and then ask for money no one has ever tried to find a route cause of anything before just how to deal with the issue at hand.
I said I had been sexually abused a couple of times once when I was about 6 and again when I was about 16. Although I didn't really see how it was relevant. She said that although I might not be traumatised in the sense that I don't have flashbacks, it will effect the way I view things and that somewhere I my childhood I've suffered some great trauma. She asked if I remembered a lot of my childhood and I said to be honest most of it is blank and I don't really think about it.
From the rest of our talk it was insightful she said I seem to have problems with dominance and subservience, I also have big trust issues especially about myself and consequences of my actions, so rather than take the risk, I don't do anything and would rather someone else take charge. I also shut down, close myself off and try and protect myself, I have been sorta told this before that I'm a people pleaser. I've never really been able to break it, I said counselling has been like a plaster which has a habit of dropping off after a while.
She also asked me about friends and social life, I said I have friends but hardly ever see anyone, she asked me about hobbies and what I did for myself for fun. I said I couldn't really think of anything.
I said I was very afraid of losing my wife and selfishly would be left with nothing in my life and I would be alone. She asked what my hopes and dreams were as far as life and I said I thought the same as most people, get married, have children, good career, nice holidays. I said I feel I've failed as far as most of that goes and I'm helpless to do anything about it and I'm just stuck.
She asked about suicidal thoughts and I said I have them pretty much everyday in one form or another and to me it's just normal. She dug a bit and said that it's understandable considering everything that's happening, she accepted that I'm not going to do anything but it difficult situations you think of ever options and its nature not to want to do deal with this things and that is a way of not dealing with it. It's also another level of control knowing that I could end everything if I wanted that was interesting as control or lack of is one of my biggest problems.
Considering this was my first session and it was only 50 minutes it was very insightful.
schnoodle: (Default)
I know I mentioned this yesterday but it was so hard saying goodbye to my wife at the airport, I'm glad to say she arrived all safe and well and I hope she has a good time. I'm in the house alone, I'm trying to keep busy, this morning I went for a run and texted my wife quickly as she was awake at 4am local time, 9am here.
The Macmillan nurse from the hospital called to speak to my wife and see how she was getting on and I explained where she was. I took the opportunity to ask some questions and she asked how I was coping. To be honest it was hard, she wasn't able to tell me what to expect regarding what would be happening, she said hopefully things will get better but they could also be worst she didn't want to build any hopes. All I can think I my wife is going to die, possibly sooner rather than later. That was the things about saying goodbye at the airport it felt like it really was goodbye, she said she's coming back but I felt how will it be like when she's seriously ill and she's gone forever. I cried because that was really on my mind, I will be alone in this world and I don't think I will be able to cope with her lost.
TalkIng to the nurse made me cry, as I can't cope with the idea, especially as there's nothing I can do.

I'm just trying to keep busy, try and be positive and hope for the best.
schnoodle: (Default)
It was the hardest thing to do this morning, I dropped my wife at Gatwick, made sure that her bags was checked in and walked her up to security and had to leave her. She cried, I cried. To be honest I didn't want her to go. I'm sure she'll have an amazing time with her half sister in Florida.
She did upset me a little bit but saying I need to say yes to things and my not coming with her was my fault. A little unfair as I've said before she asked me about going, told me in the bath and I said we'd discuss it later, she went and visited and friend and then booked her ticket. Saying she didn't think I was interested and she was worried her sister would try and sleep with me.
Anyway I reminded her that she was really going to have some quality time to really get to know her sister and that's what she wanted. It was also pointed out to her last week that she didn't really give me the chance to decide about going and that my saying I didn't want her spending her money on me was because I don't have the money and I'm worried about our finances. So looking out for us both, which she didn't really take into account. She asked if I was working and earning money if I would have gone and I gave a very clear yes.
I love my wife, I really do and I never want to slow her down or prevent her from doing anything, but there's cause and effect, although telling me I should say yes to everything I felt takes a little away from free will. If she had approached it differently and waited a little longer I probably would be going with her.

She flys out in 40 minutes and I just feel so empty without her, she keeps talking about how long she has left and it breaks my heart, when it does happen my heart and soul will be destroyed.
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife came back from visiting a friend for 2 days, I really missed her a lot and I really don't know how I'm going to handle her being away for 10 days. I'm going to try and keep busy with doing some painting/DIY around the house but I think I'm going to get quite lonely to be honest.
She said she was surprised how how much I'd missed her and she said that she thought I was in a mood with her and would be glad of the space. Which I didn't think I was, sure it was nice to get things done but I still love and miss her.
She's tired from all the walking and driving she'd done and seems a bit irritable, I said to her the main thing I want for for her to be happy. She turned around and said she wants me to be happy too and I need to be happy. I confess I'm not really that happy ATM but that's down to the situation and the feel of limbo, I really don't know what to do or what's best to do.
I'm not saying my wife has it any easier far from it but she has a far better idea of how she's feeling and what she's doing. I'm trying to support her and see it as my job to care for her as a carer but when that stops she has to tell me. I just don't want her to turn around and say well I don't need you anymore and I'm not stopping you from doing anything especially finding another job. I mean she has said that already and then needed me again so it's tricky, she's afraid, I know she is and I she thinks she'll need more chemo and her life is going to be short and doing want anyone holding her back.
She also says I have Asperger syndrome and OCD and I need to accept and deal with things which I'm trying to do.
schnoodle: (Default)
I think things are getting better, my wife is recovering nicely and I'm hopeful that she won't need me quite so much so that it will be possible for me to get myself prepared to get back into work again even if it's just prepared I'd be happy. My wife's next hospital appointment with the surgeon and oncologist is in 6 weeks at the end of August, so I've a little hesitant to try and rush and find work because until they give her a prognosis and talk about further treatments, it might cause more problems especially if she needs more chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It's frustrating for both of us as we're kinda in limbo until we know.

My wife gets frustrated with me and I do understand why I do have a problem of I don't really like doing anything until I'm sure what's going on, I just don't feel comfortable and I'm very indecisive. My wife pushes me and pushes me, she says we're missing out or I'm missing doing things because I just won't do anything. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they come along my wife is planning lots of things.
Which I wouldn't have so much of a problem with if I was working or earning money. My wife's spending money, which I kinda have a problem with as I don't want her just going spend, spend, spend. I understand and know what she's thinking she's thinking I don't think I have long left I want to have as many experiences/visit as many places as possible. I'm more let's wait and see what the doctors say and try and save as much as possible as we don't know what will happen.
I spoke to the macmillan nurse who just said we were coping with it in different ways, either was wrong, but we need to be careful not to put too much pressure on ourselves.

Anyway my wife is off to Florida next week to see her half sister, people ask me if I'm going and I just say I can't afford it (which I can't) my wife offered to pay for me but then changed her mind because
1. She doesn't know her sister that well since she only got in contact like a year ago, and it'll be good for them to get to know one another better.
2. She's afraid her sister will try and jump into bed with me for some reason.
3. She asked me and then booked it without me, saying she didn't think I was interested (she asked when I was in the middle of something) so it was all my fault.
4. No one would be here to look after the cats
She booked a B&B close to Gatwick as she has a pretty early flight and we didn't want to try and get around the M25/M23 at stupid o clock.

My job while she's away is to do some DIY and painting, not something I especially want to do as I think it's all ok as it is but at least if she's not here I can do it all without her panicking which she sometimes does. She just thinks things should be done differently and then we get stressed about it it's like too many cooks. Anyway I'll get it done and then show her photos to check she's happy. I was quite pleased with myself last night I managed to raise the laminate flooring and replace some planks which needed replacing. Wasn't as easy as I thought as my father in law who laid it for us did some funny things but managed to do and and not really damage the old planks too much. Looks ok anywa, hopefully my wife will be happy enough. I might have to do it again but it'll be easier now I have a better idea what I'm doing.

2 weeks after my wife gets back, she's paid for us to go to Dublin for 4 days. This morning I've paid off the remaining balance of the holiday to Rhodes in September. I think my wife's planning to go to Germany or Belgium in November/December time.

Changing subject I met my old French teacher at the dentist this morning, hadn't seen her for 31 years, she said she remembered me, whether or not she really did after all I think I've changed a little since the age of 11 but it was polite of her to say anyway.

Generally everything else is going OK, I have my counselling start next Friday and I'm still doing running, doing 5k runs like every other day, which has really been helping with the stress and Anxiety.

Anyway I'm hoping things have started to get better and we'll soon be out of limbo.
schnoodle: (Default)
As I've said before my wife has with everything that's going on has said she's happy if I met some lady just for sex, I've not been actively seeking but I do have a profile that says something a long the lines of looking for social meets and lets see what happens, so really if nothing else someone to talk too.
Seems to be impossible to find anyone though all the women/couples seem so picky for example:
"...needs a filter button for HUNG, 6 PACK and NO BEARDS"
The only people I do seem to be attracting is men, I'm not gay and if any do write to me I'm polite but as I say it's probably a good thing. I don't think I'd really know what to do if I actually got any genuine offers but I do get frustrated as it seems all ok for a horny wife who can't get enough cock or couples looking to spice up their love life. I saw a message on the site from some woman saying she only got 290 messages and didn't feel she was getting the attention she deserved. I thought I don't get any messages and I haven't had any couples or ladies look at my profile. Maybe I haven't really been trying but then again I do feel there's a kinda double standard and level of expectations from the women on there. Actually most daying site are like that now I think about it.

I don't even know why I'm really on there probably just want some attention and distraction from what's happening.
schnoodle: (Default)
Yesterday's meeting with the ESA assessment people went ok, the lady said I shouldn't tell you this my I think no you have good reasons for not being able to work at the moment and you sound like you're going through a lot ATM. My wife has really been stressing me out and I've not really been able to work out what it actually is. Last night it clicked, I'm am very much dealing with the here and now, taking each day as it comes. My wife isn't, she's planning the future - leaving her job, moving house, going to university. This is great but she's not actually dealing with what is actually happening, I'm getting more and more stressed dealing with the important things that need to be done and she's not really helping with that. The planning is just adding more to my and she's can't understand why.
I explained it like this if your at work, generally you work time off especially if you have a busy work place then go to the travel agent and book the holiday. She's trying to do it the other way round to book and plan things and hoping it doesn't mess with anyone or anything else. There can be a lot of problems and extra stressed cause but not finding out things beforehand. I said to her I'm not trying to get negative or not committal but you're planning all these things and thinking life will be great, However you might end up making things worse and we could loose everything.
Sure we can move to somewhere cheaper to live and get a lesser mortgage, get a degree but if we both out of work we might loss a house even if it is cheaper.
There are too much unanswered questions, she still is a cancer patient and she doesn't know about further treatments. I feel like I'm shitting on her dreams but she needs to but in the real world and sometimes we can't just do what we want.

St the end of the day there are too many things currently beyond my control and I can do nothing about. I don't even have a job because things are beyond my control how she things we can do these things if neither of us is working.
schnoodle: (Default)
I have my RSA assessment this morning. I'm really worried about it, I'm worried that they're going to give me shit. The job centre told me to apply, there are so many things stressing me out at the moment. My wife is suffering a lot mentally, these assessments are helping her she worries about work, me, the future and further treatments. We had a good talk as she said she just wanted to die, she wishes she'd not found that lump and now she's now be dead as it was solve a lot of problems. I then need to pull her back and make her feel more positive again.
I don't know what to do, it feels like we're standing still and that's not an easy thing to do.

Profile

schnoodle: (Default)
schnoodle

September 2017

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
17 181920212223
24252627282930

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 01:33 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios