Grief

Jul. 20th, 2017 07:18 am
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife's therapy went well yesterday, she talked about how she's been feeling and what she'd like to achieve by having a bucket list. One of the interesting comments from the therapist was that my wife and I are suffering from grief and we're both in morning. For the life we could have had and trying to cope with what will happen sooner or later.
A friend last night said no one knows how much time they have and that you might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I get that, but that is an accident rather than knowing what will happen even if you don't know when. It's a hard thing to deal with and it needs to be talked about. My therapist asked my wife what she thought would make me happy, she said that was easy I would like to know how long, to plan and know what to do. However I also don't want to know because I don't want to face it either. I'm hoping that the doctors at the end of august will give us a better idea of what will happen next.
schnoodle: (Default)
I'm currently sitting in a hospital waiting room, my wife is currently seeing a psychiatrist to talk about what's happening and face the fact she has cancer and it's effects. It's going to be tough I think as I don't think and my wife has admitted that she hasn't been dealing with it. This morning was my old PE teacher's retirement assembly and my wife is determined that I should make it I arrived 5 minutes late which was pretty good considering how late we were running. I shook my old teachers hand and said congratulations on his retirement, I was told it would be about 10 minutes long, originally I was told it would be from 8.30am until 9am but it was changed to 8.55am until 9.05am. I had explained to my old school friend that I wouldn't be able to stay long due to wanting to be there for my wife. She had been let down by lots of people so I felt I had to be there, however I can't be in two places at once. By 9.25am we were still waiting on the sidelines and I just couldn't wait any longer. I said to my friend that I had to go and was thanked by some of the teachers for coming. My wife was sat in the car and we went off to hospital and got to her appointment on time.
She gave me a bit of a hard time and said I should have driven to the assembly and she could have gone to the appointment by herself and she didn't need me there.
I said no because it's her first appointment, it came along first and I wanted to be there to support her especially afterwards. The main reason for going to the assembly was to support my friend more then anything else, as she'd been let down by so many people from school. Was a hard time to get there really as most people will be working.
Anyway in the end she said I was being overprotective, however she thought about it and said if the shoe was on the other foot she'd be worse and probably wouldn't let me wipe my on bum and would never leave myself she'd be that protective, I pointed out I wasn't that bad but it was nice to see where I was coming from.
schnoodle: (Default)
Counselling I'm told is going well and going in a good direction. I think it's going well not sure of the direction. She is focused a lot on my childhood, I told her a word which kept popping into my head while I was trying to sleep the other night - "deserve". I deserve to suffer, you deserve this, you deserve everything you get... she said there's a lot of self loathing and a lot of anger in general. She asked where some of that came from and again asked about my childhood I said I had a primary school teacher who hated boys and terrified me, there was real focus on how wonderful girls were pretty, clear, wee behaved. Boys were stupid, naughty and should be seen and not heard. I said there was a lot of sugar and spice and all things nice that's what little girls are made of, slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails that's what little boys are made of.
I said I felt when I was growing up and possibly because I didn't really hang around many boys, mainly girls, I was made to feel that men are evil, responsible for all the problems in the world and all bastards. Also that I was male because I was different and wasn't normal, always in the friends zone and a real none entity.
I said I feel labelled as being a man, we're always only after one thing, don't understand, create all the problems in the world, responsible for everything. However we are all raised my women and a lot of how we view the world actually comes from women. I said if a women is interested and open about sex wants and desires she's considered liberated and confident if it's a man he is considered to be a pervert and deviant. Of course this isn't always the case, but we do seem to like giving labels. Yet sexual feelings are a basic human need, it's part of our DNA. It brought about discussion about different generations and what is considered normal, most of the rules we life by are stupid social inventions.
I said I remember having a bit of an argument with a girl I knew and she was complaining about the attention she was getting "how would you like it if everyone wanted to penetrate you!!!" I replied it depended if I wanted penetrating? How would you feel if no one wanted to penetrate you? You'd be complaining that no one was giving you any attention. You can't have it both ways or all on your own terms. She used to complain a lot about boys not being interested. I said I didn't feel people, girls especially were interested in me, so I was actually jealous.
I was very depressed and numb while growing up and spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, my emotions were very shut off. This was mainly due to the normal boys don't cry or some their emotions. I also said that my mother used to say I had a bad temper and I would end up killing someone and ending up in prison. I needed to learn control and hide my temper.
Work was also discussed and lack of progression as well as control and I wondered if I had held myself back and if unknowingly I had sabotaged myself choosing safe options and not taking risks, not liking the attention especially being dyslexic. I said it's odd sometimes I'm an attention seeker but it someone else makes me the centre of attention I don't like it and shut up and you wouldn't even know I was there.
We discussed again how I felt and thought about things growing up, she said she thought part of the problem was I was never really asked how I really felt about things or what I thought. My self identify wasn't properly developed and I was just expected to accept things and not to really question things.
schnoodle: (Default)
Today I had my 2nd counselling session, went through many subjects -
* My ex fiancée and how our relationship destroyed my self esteem and many believes. How communication broke down and she left without given me a second thought because she wanted to sleep with someone else and didn't think we have a future. How she didn't want to talk, fix it or even try. How the last time I actually saw her she thanked me and said she couldn't have gotten through things without me. 6 months later she called me haven't read my journal and realising how much pain and suffer she'd cause me. I still ended up comforting her and said what did she expect. I said to the counsellor I'm not a wall and I do have feelings!

* Frustrations over social norms vs basic instincts, this covered many areas - dating rituals, job interviews, health issues profit vs compassion. For example I said why should I as a male have to try and impress and chase a girl? Why should a male have to pay during a date? Be the gentleman and how to try and impress? Why cant people just like someone else? Why does there have to be an agenda? Why to I have to get all dressed up in a suit to impress someone in an interview? Surely if I'm good enough and have the skills, why can't I just have the job. Etc. Etc.

* Areas of my childhood - not really feeling I fitted in, wasn't in any social clicks I was just wierd, didn't think I made a good male, didn't like sports, didn't play football, had lots of girl "friends" and actually being told I wasn't a normal bloke. How my mother would tell me a lot that she wished I'd been a girl. That I had a bad temper and my mother would say I'd end up killing someone some day and that I had to learn control.
My brother asking me to ask my dad for toys, as he couldn't do it and that I sometimes got toys I didn't actually want just to make my brother happy.
How my parents and grandparents would sit in the living room and discuss my life and what I should be doing, trying to do with my life. I said that I always believe they would do this because they always wanted the bet for me but that they could add a lot of pressure and especially my grandparents would show the displeasure about many of my choices. She was surprised this would actually happen with me in the room.

* Expressing myself - how I don't feel I can actually say what I mean, that I find it easier to take to say Americans because they tend to say what they actually mean rather than try and hint or be subtle. I want people to be straight forward say what they mean, so example rather than "fancy coming in for a coffee?" Instead say "I'm horny fancy coming in for a screw!" Etc. Or if someone says MAYBE YOU SHOULD... therefore implying you NEED to.
I said I understand this isn't always straightforward and sometimes insensitive but there are many things I feel I therefore can't say because I'm afraid of the reaction I will get therefore don't say anything. If someone is open and honest and I can speak openly I feel a lot better with not judgements.

* My wife and our situation- I said I felt I had been unfair and selfish in not understanding my wife's needs, that she is actually emotionally and not necessarily logically. That I need to try to more open and just let go.
She questioned this and asked how I had been selfish that by the sounds of it my wife and I are in 2 different places and I shouldn't just let go and give in to everything my wife wants. I said I wasn't intending to but that it's been pointed out to me that that if she hasn't got long left they it would be better to build good memories rather than regrets and that should be more important and that I've not been seeing it that way. So trying to be open to going more places, doing more things together would be good rather than no. Also my wife being away has shown me how much I love and miss her and that I don't want to be alone.

* My career development or lack therefore of, how I'd not been able to do what I wanted and felt I'd had to take roles, my dyslexia had been an issue, going to university later and feeling how my life was wasting away.

The hour came to an end very quickly and I thanked her and said that I appreciated her insights, she said that she thought I had real problems in my childhood, I'd not developed emotional healthy, that it sounded like my parents and grandparents had expectations and how tried to mould me and put a lot of pressure on me from a young age to be and act a certain way and that I wasn't able to really be myself.

I said that it helps her guiding me and that I felt I was making connections, she said it was important to remember I was doing this for me, I said I'd been told before I'm a people pleaser and she said it did seem that I do a lot for others and didn't really consider myself at all and seem very lost. She asked if I had many close friends that I saw and I said I didn't really have many and since I'd seen her I'd seen 2 people the rest of the time I'd been doing DIY and had been alone. I'd spoken to my wife daily via video chat but hadn't seen anyone physically.
She said it was important especially with everything that was currently happening I would need extra emotional support and that I should seek it out asap.

She want to discuss my childhood further next week.
schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my first counselling session, she was actually very good she picked up things I wasn't really aware of. She asked me what I wanted and I said answers and new ways of dealing with the things I need to deal with. I explained about my wife, cancer, money, holidays, feeling hopeless, lack of control, I said I wanted to be there more for my wife and go along with her not slow her down but I didn't seem to be able to and had problems dealing with everything.
She asked me about my childhood and if I'd ever suffered from sexual abuse, I said no one had ever asked me that before, when I've seen counsellors before they normally let to rant for an hour and then ask for money no one has ever tried to find a route cause of anything before just how to deal with the issue at hand.
I said I had been sexually abused a couple of times once when I was about 6 and again when I was about 16. Although I didn't really see how it was relevant. She said that although I might not be traumatised in the sense that I don't have flashbacks, it will effect the way I view things and that somewhere I my childhood I've suffered some great trauma. She asked if I remembered a lot of my childhood and I said to be honest most of it is blank and I don't really think about it.
From the rest of our talk it was insightful she said I seem to have problems with dominance and subservience, I also have big trust issues especially about myself and consequences of my actions, so rather than take the risk, I don't do anything and would rather someone else take charge. I also shut down, close myself off and try and protect myself, I have been sorta told this before that I'm a people pleaser. I've never really been able to break it, I said counselling has been like a plaster which has a habit of dropping off after a while.
She also asked me about friends and social life, I said I have friends but hardly ever see anyone, she asked me about hobbies and what I did for myself for fun. I said I couldn't really think of anything.
I said I was very afraid of losing my wife and selfishly would be left with nothing in my life and I would be alone. She asked what my hopes and dreams were as far as life and I said I thought the same as most people, get married, have children, good career, nice holidays. I said I feel I've failed as far as most of that goes and I'm helpless to do anything about it and I'm just stuck.
She asked about suicidal thoughts and I said I have them pretty much everyday in one form or another and to me it's just normal. She dug a bit and said that it's understandable considering everything that's happening, she accepted that I'm not going to do anything but it difficult situations you think of ever options and its nature not to want to do deal with this things and that is a way of not dealing with it. It's also another level of control knowing that I could end everything if I wanted that was interesting as control or lack of is one of my biggest problems.
Considering this was my first session and it was only 50 minutes it was very insightful.
schnoodle: (Default)
I know I mentioned this yesterday but it was so hard saying goodbye to my wife at the airport, I'm glad to say she arrived all safe and well and I hope she has a good time. I'm in the house alone, I'm trying to keep busy, this morning I went for a run and texted my wife quickly as she was awake at 4am local time, 9am here.
The Macmillan nurse from the hospital called to speak to my wife and see how she was getting on and I explained where she was. I took the opportunity to ask some questions and she asked how I was coping. To be honest it was hard, she wasn't able to tell me what to expect regarding what would be happening, she said hopefully things will get better but they could also be worst she didn't want to build any hopes. All I can think I my wife is going to die, possibly sooner rather than later. That was the things about saying goodbye at the airport it felt like it really was goodbye, she said she's coming back but I felt how will it be like when she's seriously ill and she's gone forever. I cried because that was really on my mind, I will be alone in this world and I don't think I will be able to cope with her lost.
TalkIng to the nurse made me cry, as I can't cope with the idea, especially as there's nothing I can do.

I'm just trying to keep busy, try and be positive and hope for the best.
schnoodle: (Default)
It was the hardest thing to do this morning, I dropped my wife at Gatwick, made sure that her bags was checked in and walked her up to security and had to leave her. She cried, I cried. To be honest I didn't want her to go. I'm sure she'll have an amazing time with her half sister in Florida.
She did upset me a little bit but saying I need to say yes to things and my not coming with her was my fault. A little unfair as I've said before she asked me about going, told me in the bath and I said we'd discuss it later, she went and visited and friend and then booked her ticket. Saying she didn't think I was interested and she was worried her sister would try and sleep with me.
Anyway I reminded her that she was really going to have some quality time to really get to know her sister and that's what she wanted. It was also pointed out to her last week that she didn't really give me the chance to decide about going and that my saying I didn't want her spending her money on me was because I don't have the money and I'm worried about our finances. So looking out for us both, which she didn't really take into account. She asked if I was working and earning money if I would have gone and I gave a very clear yes.
I love my wife, I really do and I never want to slow her down or prevent her from doing anything, but there's cause and effect, although telling me I should say yes to everything I felt takes a little away from free will. If she had approached it differently and waited a little longer I probably would be going with her.

She flys out in 40 minutes and I just feel so empty without her, she keeps talking about how long she has left and it breaks my heart, when it does happen my heart and soul will be destroyed.
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife came back from visiting a friend for 2 days, I really missed her a lot and I really don't know how I'm going to handle her being away for 10 days. I'm going to try and keep busy with doing some painting/DIY around the house but I think I'm going to get quite lonely to be honest.
She said she was surprised how how much I'd missed her and she said that she thought I was in a mood with her and would be glad of the space. Which I didn't think I was, sure it was nice to get things done but I still love and miss her.
She's tired from all the walking and driving she'd done and seems a bit irritable, I said to her the main thing I want for for her to be happy. She turned around and said she wants me to be happy too and I need to be happy. I confess I'm not really that happy ATM but that's down to the situation and the feel of limbo, I really don't know what to do or what's best to do.
I'm not saying my wife has it any easier far from it but she has a far better idea of how she's feeling and what she's doing. I'm trying to support her and see it as my job to care for her as a carer but when that stops she has to tell me. I just don't want her to turn around and say well I don't need you anymore and I'm not stopping you from doing anything especially finding another job. I mean she has said that already and then needed me again so it's tricky, she's afraid, I know she is and I she thinks she'll need more chemo and her life is going to be short and doing want anyone holding her back.
She also says I have Asperger syndrome and OCD and I need to accept and deal with things which I'm trying to do.
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I think things are getting better, my wife is recovering nicely and I'm hopeful that she won't need me quite so much so that it will be possible for me to get myself prepared to get back into work again even if it's just prepared I'd be happy. My wife's next hospital appointment with the surgeon and oncologist is in 6 weeks at the end of August, so I've a little hesitant to try and rush and find work because until they give her a prognosis and talk about further treatments, it might cause more problems especially if she needs more chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It's frustrating for both of us as we're kinda in limbo until we know.

My wife gets frustrated with me and I do understand why I do have a problem of I don't really like doing anything until I'm sure what's going on, I just don't feel comfortable and I'm very indecisive. My wife pushes me and pushes me, she says we're missing out or I'm missing doing things because I just won't do anything. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they come along my wife is planning lots of things.
Which I wouldn't have so much of a problem with if I was working or earning money. My wife's spending money, which I kinda have a problem with as I don't want her just going spend, spend, spend. I understand and know what she's thinking she's thinking I don't think I have long left I want to have as many experiences/visit as many places as possible. I'm more let's wait and see what the doctors say and try and save as much as possible as we don't know what will happen.
I spoke to the macmillan nurse who just said we were coping with it in different ways, either was wrong, but we need to be careful not to put too much pressure on ourselves.

Anyway my wife is off to Florida next week to see her half sister, people ask me if I'm going and I just say I can't afford it (which I can't) my wife offered to pay for me but then changed her mind because
1. She doesn't know her sister that well since she only got in contact like a year ago, and it'll be good for them to get to know one another better.
2. She's afraid her sister will try and jump into bed with me for some reason.
3. She asked me and then booked it without me, saying she didn't think I was interested (she asked when I was in the middle of something) so it was all my fault.
4. No one would be here to look after the cats
She booked a B&B close to Gatwick as she has a pretty early flight and we didn't want to try and get around the M25/M23 at stupid o clock.

My job while she's away is to do some DIY and painting, not something I especially want to do as I think it's all ok as it is but at least if she's not here I can do it all without her panicking which she sometimes does. She just thinks things should be done differently and then we get stressed about it it's like too many cooks. Anyway I'll get it done and then show her photos to check she's happy. I was quite pleased with myself last night I managed to raise the laminate flooring and replace some planks which needed replacing. Wasn't as easy as I thought as my father in law who laid it for us did some funny things but managed to do and and not really damage the old planks too much. Looks ok anywa, hopefully my wife will be happy enough. I might have to do it again but it'll be easier now I have a better idea what I'm doing.

2 weeks after my wife gets back, she's paid for us to go to Dublin for 4 days. This morning I've paid off the remaining balance of the holiday to Rhodes in September. I think my wife's planning to go to Germany or Belgium in November/December time.

Changing subject I met my old French teacher at the dentist this morning, hadn't seen her for 31 years, she said she remembered me, whether or not she really did after all I think I've changed a little since the age of 11 but it was polite of her to say anyway.

Generally everything else is going OK, I have my counselling start next Friday and I'm still doing running, doing 5k runs like every other day, which has really been helping with the stress and Anxiety.

Anyway I'm hoping things have started to get better and we'll soon be out of limbo.
schnoodle: (Default)
As I've said before my wife has with everything that's going on has said she's happy if I met some lady just for sex, I've not been actively seeking but I do have a profile that says something a long the lines of looking for social meets and lets see what happens, so really if nothing else someone to talk too.
Seems to be impossible to find anyone though all the women/couples seem so picky for example:
"...needs a filter button for HUNG, 6 PACK and NO BEARDS"
The only people I do seem to be attracting is men, I'm not gay and if any do write to me I'm polite but as I say it's probably a good thing. I don't think I'd really know what to do if I actually got any genuine offers but I do get frustrated as it seems all ok for a horny wife who can't get enough cock or couples looking to spice up their love life. I saw a message on the site from some woman saying she only got 290 messages and didn't feel she was getting the attention she deserved. I thought I don't get any messages and I haven't had any couples or ladies look at my profile. Maybe I haven't really been trying but then again I do feel there's a kinda double standard and level of expectations from the women on there. Actually most daying site are like that now I think about it.

I don't even know why I'm really on there probably just want some attention and distraction from what's happening.
schnoodle: (Default)
Yesterday's meeting with the ESA assessment people went ok, the lady said I shouldn't tell you this my I think no you have good reasons for not being able to work at the moment and you sound like you're going through a lot ATM. My wife has really been stressing me out and I've not really been able to work out what it actually is. Last night it clicked, I'm am very much dealing with the here and now, taking each day as it comes. My wife isn't, she's planning the future - leaving her job, moving house, going to university. This is great but she's not actually dealing with what is actually happening, I'm getting more and more stressed dealing with the important things that need to be done and she's not really helping with that. The planning is just adding more to my and she's can't understand why.
I explained it like this if your at work, generally you work time off especially if you have a busy work place then go to the travel agent and book the holiday. She's trying to do it the other way round to book and plan things and hoping it doesn't mess with anyone or anything else. There can be a lot of problems and extra stressed cause but not finding out things beforehand. I said to her I'm not trying to get negative or not committal but you're planning all these things and thinking life will be great, However you might end up making things worse and we could loose everything.
Sure we can move to somewhere cheaper to live and get a lesser mortgage, get a degree but if we both out of work we might loss a house even if it is cheaper.
There are too much unanswered questions, she still is a cancer patient and she doesn't know about further treatments. I feel like I'm shitting on her dreams but she needs to but in the real world and sometimes we can't just do what we want.

St the end of the day there are too many things currently beyond my control and I can do nothing about. I don't even have a job because things are beyond my control how she things we can do these things if neither of us is working.
schnoodle: (Default)
I have my RSA assessment this morning. I'm really worried about it, I'm worried that they're going to give me shit. The job centre told me to apply, there are so many things stressing me out at the moment. My wife is suffering a lot mentally, these assessments are helping her she worries about work, me, the future and further treatments. We had a good talk as she said she just wanted to die, she wishes she'd not found that lump and now she's now be dead as it was solve a lot of problems. I then need to pull her back and make her feel more positive again.
I don't know what to do, it feels like we're standing still and that's not an easy thing to do.
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I almost fell for a scam yesterday, I feel a bit stupid because normally I don't think I would be fooled but I've got a bit of a cold ATM and what with everything going on my head isn't with it. Anyway I got a text from the "DVLA" saying I'd be overcharged and I was entitled to £48.48 refund and to click here. Took me to a website and I started filling out my details as I was doing this I thought it didn't seem right, it wanted card details, driving license, N.I. Number. I don't thought why would they need my N.I. Number??? Or driving license??? So I shut it down. It scared me so I went to DVLA website and saw it said it was a scam, I called Action Fraud and they said I was ok, that I hadn't clicked send and none of the details would have been saved but I was very lucky. I felt like an idiot, it showed my head was with it. I was told to call Apple to check that my phone should be OK, they said it would be fine. I finally called the bank and said there shouldn't be a problem but should my account start emptying then it wasn't me and it was a heads up.

Still feel stupid but I did all the right things do should be ok.
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife wanted to do a car boot sale this morning, so we got up at 5.45am and were there by 6.30am the day actually went ok, didn't make much money but got rid of a few things. At the end though my wife was tired and didn't really help. I think I was just distracted and I can't even remember but the car boot ended up being open or popping open and we lost a camping chair. I don't know where it fell up. I don't know if I actually shut it or not, I found it really disturbing mainly due as I can't remember and my head is all over the place. Maybe I'm just tired but my wife and I have a busy couple of weeks ahead which assessments with ESA, social services and PIP as well as going into London. Needless to say I couldn do without it all.
A friend texted and said "Don't be hard on yourself, you're both going through shit times! But perhaps you two should stop pushing yourselves hard to do stuff and take time to rest and recoup? X"
To be honest ATM I'd rather just die, I think I'm just very tired and don't want to deal with any of it anymore.
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife told me earlier that she's heard from some "people" I just don't understand what she's going through because I was asking her if she'd had enough time to rest. Maybe it's a male/female communication thing by asking how you feeling? Have you rested enough? Is me asking do you need more or less rest? Not I'm tired of you resting I think you're making the fatigue up, shift your ass now!

I found this very insulting considering everything we've been through and I do mean we. Ok I don't have cancer, I don't have large breasts, I'm not a woman, I don't have periods, and they'll be many things I don't understand but to say I don't understand what she's going through pissed me right off.

I said I have always been, I have gone through all the emotions, supported her, just everything and to say I don't understand. I replied I know better than anyone! Anyone that says otherwise is just trying to make themselves look big and smart. I mean that's a bit like me asking if she's ok? And having my head bitten off because she still has cancer!

Anyway she said sorry and she knows I hate her now and she's a massive cunt. That pissed me off. I said I didn't say that and wouldn't say that but she was pissing me off by putting words into my mouth. I didn't hate her and I've never called her a cunt!

Asking how she was feeling is me caring. I have to admit I did feel like walking off at that moment and saying fuck this shit, but I didn't because I know she's just frustrated but still I have enough going on without extra crap being added.

I'm worried about a few assessments that will be taking place soon next week Monday, my wife has social services coming over to see how they can help. Thursday as well as voting we have the PIP people coming over and the following Monday I have a health assessment for ESA. All this stress I could do without.

So we'll see.

A future

May. 31st, 2017 12:04 pm
schnoodle: (Default)
Today has been a very positive day so far and there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. This morning we went to the hospital to the breast clinic for a checkup. The Macmillan nurse, asked if my wife had gone back to work and how active she'd been. My wife replied that she wasn't ready and that she was having problems with fatigue and wasn't able to do things. The nurse took us into a side room and said that that wasn't normal and that she should be doing better and that she was relying on me too much to do things. That we both needed to get on with life and we have gotten stuck. She said it was understandable with everything but that my wife's confidence had been shaken and she needs counselling to deal with everything and that was holding her back.
She also said something which was nice to hear that I had it in someways worst because I have been trying to help there's not much I can do and that recovery was really holding me back from getting a job and a life and that, she was relying on me to do everything which is very stressful and really wasn't doing me any good at all. I said I had real problems coping and I could only really feel I could go back to work when I knew my wife was able to go back to work and look after herself. The nurse kinda told my wife off and said you need to push yourself and do more and more by yourself.
Afterwards my wife was made it sound like I was holding her back and stopping her from doing things, this annoyed me a little bit because what I've said is if she has done something to take it easy and not push herself too hard. As in don't expect to run a marathon start slowly and build up, my wife has seen it as go max out and then don't try. The nurse said do simple things like get up and get a drink yourself, go for a walk, dress yourself. She said quite rightly my wife's the only one who knows how she feels and is therefore in control.
It feels nice that I might be able to get a bit more of my life back and become less of a carer as she'll be able to do more herself and rely on me less. We both feel we've been given a life and future back. The nurse said sure they'll be worries around appointments and they might be for years and years to come but you need to live your lives and breast cancer shouldn't be your life.
schnoodle: (Default)
I'm going to express myself on here as there's no judgement. I'm so sexual frustrated ATM, understandably our sex life as pretty died what with emotions and treatments, especially my wife on hormone therapy. It's all a bit messed up, she's said she wants me to enjoy myself and if I get the opportunity I should take it but she understandably doesn't want to know. I love my wife so I have mixed feelings, I don't want to add to what is a terrible situation. I have tried chatting on the swingers site we're a member of but as soon as ladies or couples find out it's just me the conversation just stops. I added to the profile she won't meet anyone due to medical reasons and it's just me, clearly they don't read the profile. The sad thing is ATM, I'm like just to chat or have a social meeting with some of these people, I'm not cheating just exploring. I do wonder if I was a woman the conversations would be very different, there are so many expectations as a man, therefore I'm useless if I'm not part of a couple. There either women looking to explore their lesbian/bi side or wanting a 3 some with husband/boyfriend and don't want a bloke or they say you're married so not interested. If I was a married woman I don't think they'd be a problem, I'd just be liberated and sexually open mind. As a man I'm a pervert who's only interested in one thing.
The thing is I don't know I could do it anyway which is why I just want to talk more than anything, I know it's only really fantasy and I realise that I'm just trying to escape my reality. The idea of sitting in a pub talking about sex lifes and meeting new people sounds exciting but again I don't know what I'm torturing myself. Human nature I suppose, sure I watch porn when I can and knock one out but it's not the same. I just feel like a teenager again who's not getting any, when everyone else's saying they are.
Cancer is such a bastard thing it effects your lif in so many ways and it's like people just expect your life to just stop. The fact that you're human and still have the same feelings and urges as everyone else and just aren't able to just makes things more frustrating.
Again it's just fantasy vs reality.
schnoodle: (Default)
Everything seems to be getting to me ATM and there doesn't seem to be any escape. Everything is just so frustrating and I feel stick in limbo, wish I could do something but I know I'm doing everything I can, going to the gym, going for runs, sorting benefits, cooking, cleaning, applying for suitable jobs. Many people just don't understand that or when they find out don't want to know.
schnoodle: (Default)
There's so much uncertainty ATM, i spoke today with citizens advice bureau and they said I'm claiming and doing everything I can. My wife's had her pip accesment date come through so hopefully that will go well. I'm having to do so much paperwork and fill in some many forms it's so stressful and exhausting. I did go for a interview for the local council today, I think it went well I was in there almost 3 hours, I'm not sure if I'll gamer the role as it's more about writing and less creative work still it's still go to be invited and you never know I might get it.
schnoodle: (Default)
Well, me and the department of work and pensions seem to becoming best friends if I'm not calling about myself, I'm calling about my wife. I have applied for ESA and carers allowance, my wife is still waiting to get an appointment for her PIP, I have also applied to have a reduction in our council tax. It's getting a little worrying as there's only so much money we have in savings so I hope we get some help soon. We have an appointment with Citzens advice next week to see if there's anything else we can get. A lot of the problem is uncertainty, no one knows enough and it's still unknown how long my wife has and if she'll get better or worst. I'm going on the what I know at the moment that she's not able to do what she used to and that she needs to to be supervised, so she can do things but needs someone there. I'm a little worried about these benefits if they end up saying no, we might have a real problem.
The doctor has signed me off until July so we'll see what happens, I might just have to get a part time job, I don't know if I'm being over protective or just accepting reality, I know it's not through lack of trying to look for work and be there for her.
I tried to get a job working 3 hours a day as a cleaner and I didn't hear anything, such is the way with jobs today.
I finished my stress control course and, although it was useful as a refresher course it didn't actually offer me any real help, so I have requested 1:1 sessions which to be honest I wanted in the first place. I trying to be deal with real emotional distress, actual problems and depression of both my own and my wife. As I said to them the other day, my wife starts of argument and says it'll be better for everyone if she was dead and she's going to die anyway. I have to spin that around keep her positive and pushing forward, as well as pick myself up, recover from the argument and try and stay positive myself. It hard with uncertainty so I said I need help with acceptance and trying to find new ways to cope and deal with everything.

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