Today I had my 2nd counselling session, went through many subjects -
* My ex fiancée and how our relationship destroyed my self esteem and many believes. How communication broke down and she left without given me a second thought because she wanted to sleep with someone else and didn't think we have a future. How she didn't want to talk, fix it or even try. How the last time I actually saw her she thanked me and said she couldn't have gotten through things without me. 6 months later she called me haven't read my journal and realising how much pain and suffer she'd cause me. I still ended up comforting her and said what did she expect. I said to the counsellor I'm not a wall and I do have feelings!
* Frustrations over social norms vs basic instincts, this covered many areas - dating rituals, job interviews, health issues profit vs compassion. For example I said why should I as a male have to try and impress and chase a girl? Why should a male have to pay during a date? Be the gentleman and how to try and impress? Why cant people just like someone else? Why does there have to be an agenda? Why to I have to get all dressed up in a suit to impress someone in an interview? Surely if I'm good enough and have the skills, why can't I just have the job. Etc. Etc.
* Areas of my childhood - not really feeling I fitted in, wasn't in any social clicks I was just wierd, didn't think I made a good male, didn't like sports, didn't play football, had lots of girl "friends" and actually being told I wasn't a normal bloke. How my mother would tell me a lot that she wished I'd been a girl. That I had a bad temper and my mother would say I'd end up killing someone some day and that I had to learn control.
My brother asking me to ask my dad for toys, as he couldn't do it and that I sometimes got toys I didn't actually want just to make my brother happy.
How my parents and grandparents would sit in the living room and discuss my life and what I should be doing, trying to do with my life. I said that I always believe they would do this because they always wanted the bet for me but that they could add a lot of pressure and especially my grandparents would show the displeasure about many of my choices. She was surprised this would actually happen with me in the room.
* Expressing myself - how I don't feel I can actually say what I mean, that I find it easier to take to say Americans because they tend to say what they actually mean rather than try and hint or be subtle. I want people to be straight forward say what they mean, so example rather than "fancy coming in for a coffee?" Instead say "I'm horny fancy coming in for a screw!" Etc. Or if someone says MAYBE YOU SHOULD... therefore implying you NEED to.
I said I understand this isn't always straightforward and sometimes insensitive but there are many things I feel I therefore can't say because I'm afraid of the reaction I will get therefore don't say anything. If someone is open and honest and I can speak openly I feel a lot better with not judgements.
* My wife and our situation- I said I felt I had been unfair and selfish in not understanding my wife's needs, that she is actually emotionally and not necessarily logically. That I need to try to more open and just let go.
She questioned this and asked how I had been selfish that by the sounds of it my wife and I are in 2 different places and I shouldn't just let go and give in to everything my wife wants. I said I wasn't intending to but that it's been pointed out to me that that if she hasn't got long left they it would be better to build good memories rather than regrets and that should be more important and that I've not been seeing it that way. So trying to be open to going more places, doing more things together would be good rather than no. Also my wife being away has shown me how much I love and miss her and that I don't want to be alone.
* My career development or lack therefore of, how I'd not been able to do what I wanted and felt I'd had to take roles, my dyslexia had been an issue, going to university later and feeling how my life was wasting away.
The hour came to an end very quickly and I thanked her and said that I appreciated her insights, she said that she thought I had real problems in my childhood, I'd not developed emotional healthy, that it sounded like my parents and grandparents had expectations and how tried to mould me and put a lot of pressure on me from a young age to be and act a certain way and that I wasn't able to really be myself.
I said that it helps her guiding me and that I felt I was making connections, she said it was important to remember I was doing this for me, I said I'd been told before I'm a people pleaser and she said it did seem that I do a lot for others and didn't really consider myself at all and seem very lost. She asked if I had many close friends that I saw and I said I didn't really have many and since I'd seen her I'd seen 2 people the rest of the time I'd been doing DIY and had been alone. I'd spoken to my wife daily via video chat but hadn't seen anyone physically.
She said it was important especially with everything that was currently happening I would need extra emotional support and that I should seek it out asap.
She want to discuss my childhood further next week.