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[personal profile] schnoodle
This morning I had my first counselling session, she was actually very good she picked up things I wasn't really aware of. She asked me what I wanted and I said answers and new ways of dealing with the things I need to deal with. I explained about my wife, cancer, money, holidays, feeling hopeless, lack of control, I said I wanted to be there more for my wife and go along with her not slow her down but I didn't seem to be able to and had problems dealing with everything.
She asked me about my childhood and if I'd ever suffered from sexual abuse, I said no one had ever asked me that before, when I've seen counsellors before they normally let to rant for an hour and then ask for money no one has ever tried to find a route cause of anything before just how to deal with the issue at hand.
I said I had been sexually abused a couple of times once when I was about 6 and again when I was about 16. Although I didn't really see how it was relevant. She said that although I might not be traumatised in the sense that I don't have flashbacks, it will effect the way I view things and that somewhere I my childhood I've suffered some great trauma. She asked if I remembered a lot of my childhood and I said to be honest most of it is blank and I don't really think about it.
From the rest of our talk it was insightful she said I seem to have problems with dominance and subservience, I also have big trust issues especially about myself and consequences of my actions, so rather than take the risk, I don't do anything and would rather someone else take charge. I also shut down, close myself off and try and protect myself, I have been sorta told this before that I'm a people pleaser. I've never really been able to break it, I said counselling has been like a plaster which has a habit of dropping off after a while.
She also asked me about friends and social life, I said I have friends but hardly ever see anyone, she asked me about hobbies and what I did for myself for fun. I said I couldn't really think of anything.
I said I was very afraid of losing my wife and selfishly would be left with nothing in my life and I would be alone. She asked what my hopes and dreams were as far as life and I said I thought the same as most people, get married, have children, good career, nice holidays. I said I feel I've failed as far as most of that goes and I'm helpless to do anything about it and I'm just stuck.
She asked about suicidal thoughts and I said I have them pretty much everyday in one form or another and to me it's just normal. She dug a bit and said that it's understandable considering everything that's happening, she accepted that I'm not going to do anything but it difficult situations you think of ever options and its nature not to want to do deal with this things and that is a way of not dealing with it. It's also another level of control knowing that I could end everything if I wanted that was interesting as control or lack of is one of my biggest problems.
Considering this was my first session and it was only 50 minutes it was very insightful.

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