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I almost fell for a scam yesterday, I feel a bit stupid because normally I don't think I would be fooled but I've got a bit of a cold ATM and what with everything going on my head isn't with it. Anyway I got a text from the "DVLA" saying I'd be overcharged and I was entitled to £48.48 refund and to click here. Took me to a website and I started filling out my details as I was doing this I thought it didn't seem right, it wanted card details, driving license, N.I. Number. I don't thought why would they need my N.I. Number??? Or driving license??? So I shut it down. It scared me so I went to DVLA website and saw it said it was a scam, I called Action Fraud and they said I was ok, that I hadn't clicked send and none of the details would have been saved but I was very lucky. I felt like an idiot, it showed my head was with it. I was told to call Apple to check that my phone should be OK, they said it would be fine. I finally called the bank and said there shouldn't be a problem but should my account start emptying then it wasn't me and it was a heads up.

Still feel stupid but I did all the right things do should be ok.
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My wife wanted to do a car boot sale this morning, so we got up at 5.45am and were there by 6.30am the day actually went ok, didn't make much money but got rid of a few things. At the end though my wife was tired and didn't really help. I think I was just distracted and I can't even remember but the car boot ended up being open or popping open and we lost a camping chair. I don't know where it fell up. I don't know if I actually shut it or not, I found it really disturbing mainly due as I can't remember and my head is all over the place. Maybe I'm just tired but my wife and I have a busy couple of weeks ahead which assessments with ESA, social services and PIP as well as going into London. Needless to say I couldn do without it all.
A friend texted and said "Don't be hard on yourself, you're both going through shit times! But perhaps you two should stop pushing yourselves hard to do stuff and take time to rest and recoup? X"
To be honest ATM I'd rather just die, I think I'm just very tired and don't want to deal with any of it anymore.
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My wife told me earlier that she's heard from some "people" I just don't understand what she's going through because I was asking her if she'd had enough time to rest. Maybe it's a male/female communication thing by asking how you feeling? Have you rested enough? Is me asking do you need more or less rest? Not I'm tired of you resting I think you're making the fatigue up, shift your ass now!

I found this very insulting considering everything we've been through and I do mean we. Ok I don't have cancer, I don't have large breasts, I'm not a woman, I don't have periods, and they'll be many things I don't understand but to say I don't understand what she's going through pissed me right off.

I said I have always been, I have gone through all the emotions, supported her, just everything and to say I don't understand. I replied I know better than anyone! Anyone that says otherwise is just trying to make themselves look big and smart. I mean that's a bit like me asking if she's ok? And having my head bitten off because she still has cancer!

Anyway she said sorry and she knows I hate her now and she's a massive cunt. That pissed me off. I said I didn't say that and wouldn't say that but she was pissing me off by putting words into my mouth. I didn't hate her and I've never called her a cunt!

Asking how she was feeling is me caring. I have to admit I did feel like walking off at that moment and saying fuck this shit, but I didn't because I know she's just frustrated but still I have enough going on without extra crap being added.

I'm worried about a few assessments that will be taking place soon next week Monday, my wife has social services coming over to see how they can help. Thursday as well as voting we have the PIP people coming over and the following Monday I have a health assessment for ESA. All this stress I could do without.

So we'll see.

A future

May. 31st, 2017 12:04 pm
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Today has been a very positive day so far and there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. This morning we went to the hospital to the breast clinic for a checkup. The Macmillan nurse, asked if my wife had gone back to work and how active she'd been. My wife replied that she wasn't ready and that she was having problems with fatigue and wasn't able to do things. The nurse took us into a side room and said that that wasn't normal and that she should be doing better and that she was relying on me too much to do things. That we both needed to get on with life and we have gotten stuck. She said it was understandable with everything but that my wife's confidence had been shaken and she needs counselling to deal with everything and that was holding her back.
She also said something which was nice to hear that I had it in someways worst because I have been trying to help there's not much I can do and that recovery was really holding me back from getting a job and a life and that, she was relying on me to do everything which is very stressful and really wasn't doing me any good at all. I said I had real problems coping and I could only really feel I could go back to work when I knew my wife was able to go back to work and look after herself. The nurse kinda told my wife off and said you need to push yourself and do more and more by yourself.
Afterwards my wife was made it sound like I was holding her back and stopping her from doing things, this annoyed me a little bit because what I've said is if she has done something to take it easy and not push herself too hard. As in don't expect to run a marathon start slowly and build up, my wife has seen it as go max out and then don't try. The nurse said do simple things like get up and get a drink yourself, go for a walk, dress yourself. She said quite rightly my wife's the only one who knows how she feels and is therefore in control.
It feels nice that I might be able to get a bit more of my life back and become less of a carer as she'll be able to do more herself and rely on me less. We both feel we've been given a life and future back. The nurse said sure they'll be worries around appointments and they might be for years and years to come but you need to live your lives and breast cancer shouldn't be your life.
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I'm going to express myself on here as there's no judgement. I'm so sexual frustrated ATM, understandably our sex life as pretty died what with emotions and treatments, especially my wife on hormone therapy. It's all a bit messed up, she's said she wants me to enjoy myself and if I get the opportunity I should take it but she understandably doesn't want to know. I love my wife so I have mixed feelings, I don't want to add to what is a terrible situation. I have tried chatting on the swingers site we're a member of but as soon as ladies or couples find out it's just me the conversation just stops. I added to the profile she won't meet anyone due to medical reasons and it's just me, clearly they don't read the profile. The sad thing is ATM, I'm like just to chat or have a social meeting with some of these people, I'm not cheating just exploring. I do wonder if I was a woman the conversations would be very different, there are so many expectations as a man, therefore I'm useless if I'm not part of a couple. There either women looking to explore their lesbian/bi side or wanting a 3 some with husband/boyfriend and don't want a bloke or they say you're married so not interested. If I was a married woman I don't think they'd be a problem, I'd just be liberated and sexually open mind. As a man I'm a pervert who's only interested in one thing.
The thing is I don't know I could do it anyway which is why I just want to talk more than anything, I know it's only really fantasy and I realise that I'm just trying to escape my reality. The idea of sitting in a pub talking about sex lifes and meeting new people sounds exciting but again I don't know what I'm torturing myself. Human nature I suppose, sure I watch porn when I can and knock one out but it's not the same. I just feel like a teenager again who's not getting any, when everyone else's saying they are.
Cancer is such a bastard thing it effects your lif in so many ways and it's like people just expect your life to just stop. The fact that you're human and still have the same feelings and urges as everyone else and just aren't able to just makes things more frustrating.
Again it's just fantasy vs reality.
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Everything seems to be getting to me ATM and there doesn't seem to be any escape. Everything is just so frustrating and I feel stick in limbo, wish I could do something but I know I'm doing everything I can, going to the gym, going for runs, sorting benefits, cooking, cleaning, applying for suitable jobs. Many people just don't understand that or when they find out don't want to know.
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There's so much uncertainty ATM, i spoke today with citizens advice bureau and they said I'm claiming and doing everything I can. My wife's had her pip accesment date come through so hopefully that will go well. I'm having to do so much paperwork and fill in some many forms it's so stressful and exhausting. I did go for a interview for the local council today, I think it went well I was in there almost 3 hours, I'm not sure if I'll gamer the role as it's more about writing and less creative work still it's still go to be invited and you never know I might get it.
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Well, me and the department of work and pensions seem to becoming best friends if I'm not calling about myself, I'm calling about my wife. I have applied for ESA and carers allowance, my wife is still waiting to get an appointment for her PIP, I have also applied to have a reduction in our council tax. It's getting a little worrying as there's only so much money we have in savings so I hope we get some help soon. We have an appointment with Citzens advice next week to see if there's anything else we can get. A lot of the problem is uncertainty, no one knows enough and it's still unknown how long my wife has and if she'll get better or worst. I'm going on the what I know at the moment that she's not able to do what she used to and that she needs to to be supervised, so she can do things but needs someone there. I'm a little worried about these benefits if they end up saying no, we might have a real problem.
The doctor has signed me off until July so we'll see what happens, I might just have to get a part time job, I don't know if I'm being over protective or just accepting reality, I know it's not through lack of trying to look for work and be there for her.
I tried to get a job working 3 hours a day as a cleaner and I didn't hear anything, such is the way with jobs today.
I finished my stress control course and, although it was useful as a refresher course it didn't actually offer me any real help, so I have requested 1:1 sessions which to be honest I wanted in the first place. I trying to be deal with real emotional distress, actual problems and depression of both my own and my wife. As I said to them the other day, my wife starts of argument and says it'll be better for everyone if she was dead and she's going to die anyway. I have to spin that around keep her positive and pushing forward, as well as pick myself up, recover from the argument and try and stay positive myself. It hard with uncertainty so I said I need help with acceptance and trying to find new ways to cope and deal with everything.
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I've not been well and feeling really run down, i have a cold, spots and just feel rubbish, I think it's because I've not really been coping. Everything came to ahead this week when I went to sign back on jobseekers and actually told by them that they didn't think I was fit for work and what with the stress and pressure of being a full time carer and everything that goes with it. I was amazed I was actually getting help, I wish I'd gotten this help last time, instead I went through so many tears and stress trying to do everything.they said I should claim for ESA - employment support allowance. He said in my situation there's no way I'd be able to get a job, he said your a full time carer in the same way s being a full time single parent there's no way you'll really be able to work and you need to accept that.
So I've made a claim for that and we'll what happens I'm applying for careers allowance and council tax benefit. I never knew I could apply for these things, no one ever explained or said otherwise.
I need a doctors note to say that I'm suffering from stress and depression which is true and no lie. My journal can confirm that. My Facebook is a different matter, I either put on a happy face or don't say anything and it's not really me. It has However been depressing me further, especially my sister and brother in law having a baby and my brother about to have a baby. How everyone is enjoying holidays and buying fancy houses and cars etc. I know it's not it's not really true and other people have problems but it's a reminder of all the things I don't have, we can't have a baby, I don't have a job or lots of money and can't really on holiday. There's so much stress and worry about money and future. Facebook just a reminder of all the things I can't do or change, so I've turned off the notifications and alerts and going to look at it and post less. I'm hoping that it'll help me rebalance and deal with reality. I think it was partly due to that stress control courses which focused on what was real and what is imaginary, I have enough real stress and issues rather than see how great everyone else is doing.
I'm hoping this will help me feel better but I think it's the right thing to do, I will probably update this journal more.
My wife is pushing herself more and more to do things, she's booked swimming lessons, gym classes, gentle regular exercise, I hope she's not putting herself too much, she done too much today and went to bed at 6pm. She's also booked a flight to Florida to see her half sister, I'm a little worried about that but I will be with her before and it's only the flight she will be alone for and her sister will look after her at the other end. I'm hoping it goes well and it won't be too much.
My wife and I had a good conversation and she said she was worried about me and I'm only human and had the right to feel, I said I didn't feel I could feel and I'm very frustrated - emotionally, sexually, career, money, babies and I don't know what to do about it, I'm trying to accept things but it's not easy. She said I'm doing so much and there's only so much I can do.
I'm going to try and be good and look after myself

Acceptance

May. 10th, 2017 06:47 am
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I've been going to Talking Therapies Stress Centrol course, it's generally been good at reminding me about techniques of dealing with depression and and stress. However I'm actually find it frustrating because it's not actually helping me with problem, which is how to accept and really deal with my current situation. It's frustrating and it came to ahead last night from myself and a couple of others, it's all well and good to challenge your worries and stress and use problem solving to reduce your worry and stress but what if you can't actually do anything about? They were like don't worry/get stressed/depressed about things you can do nothing about. This is me is don't coping and dealing with the issue, that's burying your head in the sand. They're advise is useful in the example haven't go a job, focus on the problem, write a cv, apply for jobs, go to interviews, do your best and hopefully get job.
The same can not be said for example my wife had cancer and doesn't know how long she's got or we cannot have our own children. Sure we can try and reduce stress but it doesn't change the fact there's nothing we can do and that's depressing and stressful.
A lady last night she's she's having to deal with a dying elderly relative, she's finding it's depressing and stressful. That is a fact, nothing can change that. They were asking us to question the cause of stress and worry is it really that bad? What's the worst that could happen? Is it real or imagined? You'll probably find it's not as bad as you think your mind is making things worst. I said OK that doesn't always work, is it serious? YES! It is real? YES! Can you problem solve the issue? NO! So what do you do then? They didn't seem to have an answer, so I asked how to deal with accepting that I can't change things and coming to term with it.
There's one week left but it hasn't really helped.
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I'm fed up, my sister in law sent Text saying she is pregnant, I knew she was but the confirmation was just depressing, especially since I'm still not working, my wife's feeling better which is s good thing but it means I need to start dealing with other shit. I find social media depressing too as I feel I'm missing out and my is shit. Which is probably isn't but it doesn't help.
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I'm tired, I wish things were better, I know things could be a lot worse but it does get frustrating. Even my wife said the other day that she was sorry for how things have turned out and that she didn't want me to waste my life away with regret. A similar thing to what my mum said that I will miss out on really living, won't have children. It's really shit but I'm not going to abandon my wife in sickness and in health. I love her and yes, we won't have children and yes she might not have the life we expected but that's not her fault. Sure I'd like to be working, getting drunk, having wild time and doing all kinds of crazy shit or just normal shit, I can't remember the last time I actually had sex or anything really carefree but Im not a heartless bastard.
If I end up being her full time cater then this what I have to do, it's just hard sometimes especially when people don't realise how hard it is. At times it's very depressing, it's emotional and frustrating but it is what it is.
Do I wish things were different? Sure, but we just have to make the most of it and just take each day as it comes.

Hidden

Apr. 27th, 2017 08:51 pm
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It seems they were wrong and my wife has secondary lung cancer, she needs to have extra hormone therapy to completely stop her hormones to hopefully stave the cancer. She's now registered disabled and is a blue badge holder and it looks as if she probably won't work again. This is all difficult to deal with, hopefully it won't be as bad as we fear. It's still hard and there have been lots of emotions and sadness by this news.
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I am trying, trying so hard to improve myself both mentally and physically. I keep thinking you need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. So I started running each morning, it was just a thought I had one morning. My wife generally sleeps until 9am and I was sat downstairs having woken about 7am thinking I should do something, so I turned off the morning news and loaded 5k runner app on my iPod and went, I've been doing it after since. It's good especially at the moment and I'm not working, it's getting my fitter and it'll be good for me mentally too. Plus as the workouts are only like 30 minutes long, I'm out and back again normally before she wakes up.
My wife says she's very proud of me and jealous as she wishes she could join me but she's not well enough. I keep reminding her that she's ill and it's not her fault. Someone who's ill is ill, it's good she's starting to feel better but she has to accept her limitations and reckonize that she can't do what she used to not for the moment at least. It's like my in laws keep asking about doing car boot sales and I'm like no, wait until you're completely healed if you have any problems there's nowhere for you to go, it's not the stuff needs to be sold and there's a deadline. I said only yesterday put your health first. She has been accepted for a blue badge and is using her walking stick more which is good too.
I have a stress control group tomorrow evening via TalkIng therapies which I think will be a waste of time as it's not the kinda help I was looking for as it's not counselling or taking, it's just what to do to manage stress better. Anyway might be surprised, we'll see.
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I really don't know what to do. My wife fell again today, I was really don't think she can look after herself and I don't know what to do about the future. She stresses me out by planning to take holidays which I can't afford and it just adds pressure, especially when I can't do anything about it.

I feel so helpless and lost.
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I wish there was more I could do. My wife is really suffering at the moment from the side effects of her radiotherapy. Think of the worst sunburn you've ever had and like triple it, her skin is splitting and cracking, weeping. She's been given gels and creams but she's still losing the top layers of skin. She can't wear a bra and is in so much pain she's on morphine and even then that's not enough to kill the pain.
Thankfully she only has 2 treatments left but we've been told that the side effects will be at their strongest 2 weeks after.
We've managed to fill out all her claim forms and her PIP form. I got a bit cross because it was very kind of a friend to help us fill it out but she added some things which just weren't true for example she said that my wife needs a wheelchair and is inconvenient which just isn't true. It's is true that she's unable to dress, bathe, cook meals and walk unaided but a wheelchair was pushing it a little too far. She said she would word it to help us show how serious her case was and that she should be able to get the maximum benefit.
It was brought up in conversation with some of her family and we were told we were silly and we should have kept that in. To me that's completely dishonest, we said we couldn't do it besides saying that could cause more problems as far as trying to adopt or going back to work, losing driving license. I mean it's different if she was older but she might get better she might not but we don't want to live our lives watching our backs. Things are hard enough and we are after genuine help rather trying to get the most we can get from the benefits system.

We are trying so hard emotionally to deal with everything but it's so hard, I don't know what to do about anything - don't know if my wife can really be left alone, if I can really get a job again, if she can go back to work, if we'll get any help.
My wife is fed up and I feel the same, it's very lonely. Lots of people say they'll be there but no one really is, not when you need them.

Babies

Apr. 12th, 2017 09:44 am
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I feel like I should be singing Pulp and just add some yeah, yeah, yeah's. I been feeling a bit frustrated and fed up recently about the whole babies thing. My wife has been going on about me looking into someone to be the mother of my child. Adoption or surrogates. It's hard because I don't really want to spend up to like £15'000 to some lady who I don't really know. It all seems rather cold and clinical, I mean it's a really messed up situation. Apart of me would prefer to have an affair or sex with random women and at least that way the child would have 2 clear parents.
Even my mother was giving me grief over it the other day, as I told her what do you want me to do? I don't have the right genitals! I don't have a womb! It's like it's as straight forward as me getting pregnant, if I could I would. She was on about I'm getting old and she doesn't want me to miss out and I'd be a wonderful father.
This is painful, I had to explain to her and my wife that the cancer treatment and my wife's health are at the moment my top priority and that as much as I'd like to have babies I can't think about it right now.
It seems like my brother and he's wife are going to have a 2nd baby and my brother in law and his wife have just had a baby.
Plus I said to my mum, my wife is convinced she hasn't got long to live so so there is a baby I will have to deal with her dying and me being a single parent of a young baby.

The whole thing is messed up and just depressing
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