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I've not been well and feeling really run down, i have a cold, spots and just feel rubbish, I think it's because I've not really been coping. Everything came to ahead this week when I went to sign back on jobseekers and actually told by them that they didn't think I was fit for work and what with the stress and pressure of being a full time carer and everything that goes with it. I was amazed I was actually getting help, I wish I'd gotten this help last time, instead I went through so many tears and stress trying to do everything.they said I should claim for ESA - employment support allowance. He said in my situation there's no way I'd be able to get a job, he said your a full time carer in the same way s being a full time single parent there's no way you'll really be able to work and you need to accept that.
So I've made a claim for that and we'll what happens I'm applying for careers allowance and council tax benefit. I never knew I could apply for these things, no one ever explained or said otherwise.
I need a doctors note to say that I'm suffering from stress and depression which is true and no lie. My journal can confirm that. My Facebook is a different matter, I either put on a happy face or don't say anything and it's not really me. It has However been depressing me further, especially my sister and brother in law having a baby and my brother about to have a baby. How everyone is enjoying holidays and buying fancy houses and cars etc. I know it's not it's not really true and other people have problems but it's a reminder of all the things I don't have, we can't have a baby, I don't have a job or lots of money and can't really on holiday. There's so much stress and worry about money and future. Facebook just a reminder of all the things I can't do or change, so I've turned off the notifications and alerts and going to look at it and post less. I'm hoping that it'll help me rebalance and deal with reality. I think it was partly due to that stress control courses which focused on what was real and what is imaginary, I have enough real stress and issues rather than see how great everyone else is doing.
I'm hoping this will help me feel better but I think it's the right thing to do, I will probably update this journal more.
My wife is pushing herself more and more to do things, she's booked swimming lessons, gym classes, gentle regular exercise, I hope she's not putting herself too much, she done too much today and went to bed at 6pm. She's also booked a flight to Florida to see her half sister, I'm a little worried about that but I will be with her before and it's only the flight she will be alone for and her sister will look after her at the other end. I'm hoping it goes well and it won't be too much.
My wife and I had a good conversation and she said she was worried about me and I'm only human and had the right to feel, I said I didn't feel I could feel and I'm very frustrated - emotionally, sexually, career, money, babies and I don't know what to do about it, I'm trying to accept things but it's not easy. She said I'm doing so much and there's only so much I can do.
I'm going to try and be good and look after myself

Acceptance

May. 10th, 2017 06:47 am
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I've been going to Talking Therapies Stress Centrol course, it's generally been good at reminding me about techniques of dealing with depression and and stress. However I'm actually find it frustrating because it's not actually helping me with problem, which is how to accept and really deal with my current situation. It's frustrating and it came to ahead last night from myself and a couple of others, it's all well and good to challenge your worries and stress and use problem solving to reduce your worry and stress but what if you can't actually do anything about? They were like don't worry/get stressed/depressed about things you can do nothing about. This is me is don't coping and dealing with the issue, that's burying your head in the sand. They're advise is useful in the example haven't go a job, focus on the problem, write a cv, apply for jobs, go to interviews, do your best and hopefully get job.
The same can not be said for example my wife had cancer and doesn't know how long she's got or we cannot have our own children. Sure we can try and reduce stress but it doesn't change the fact there's nothing we can do and that's depressing and stressful.
A lady last night she's she's having to deal with a dying elderly relative, she's finding it's depressing and stressful. That is a fact, nothing can change that. They were asking us to question the cause of stress and worry is it really that bad? What's the worst that could happen? Is it real or imagined? You'll probably find it's not as bad as you think your mind is making things worst. I said OK that doesn't always work, is it serious? YES! It is real? YES! Can you problem solve the issue? NO! So what do you do then? They didn't seem to have an answer, so I asked how to deal with accepting that I can't change things and coming to term with it.
There's one week left but it hasn't really helped.
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I'm fed up, my sister in law sent Text saying she is pregnant, I knew she was but the confirmation was just depressing, especially since I'm still not working, my wife's feeling better which is s good thing but it means I need to start dealing with other shit. I find social media depressing too as I feel I'm missing out and my is shit. Which is probably isn't but it doesn't help.
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I'm tired, I wish things were better, I know things could be a lot worse but it does get frustrating. Even my wife said the other day that she was sorry for how things have turned out and that she didn't want me to waste my life away with regret. A similar thing to what my mum said that I will miss out on really living, won't have children. It's really shit but I'm not going to abandon my wife in sickness and in health. I love her and yes, we won't have children and yes she might not have the life we expected but that's not her fault. Sure I'd like to be working, getting drunk, having wild time and doing all kinds of crazy shit or just normal shit, I can't remember the last time I actually had sex or anything really carefree but Im not a heartless bastard.
If I end up being her full time cater then this what I have to do, it's just hard sometimes especially when people don't realise how hard it is. At times it's very depressing, it's emotional and frustrating but it is what it is.
Do I wish things were different? Sure, but we just have to make the most of it and just take each day as it comes.

Hidden

Apr. 27th, 2017 08:51 pm
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It seems they were wrong and my wife has secondary lung cancer, she needs to have extra hormone therapy to completely stop her hormones to hopefully stave the cancer. She's now registered disabled and is a blue badge holder and it looks as if she probably won't work again. This is all difficult to deal with, hopefully it won't be as bad as we fear. It's still hard and there have been lots of emotions and sadness by this news.
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I am trying, trying so hard to improve myself both mentally and physically. I keep thinking you need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. So I started running each morning, it was just a thought I had one morning. My wife generally sleeps until 9am and I was sat downstairs having woken about 7am thinking I should do something, so I turned off the morning news and loaded 5k runner app on my iPod and went, I've been doing it after since. It's good especially at the moment and I'm not working, it's getting my fitter and it'll be good for me mentally too. Plus as the workouts are only like 30 minutes long, I'm out and back again normally before she wakes up.
My wife says she's very proud of me and jealous as she wishes she could join me but she's not well enough. I keep reminding her that she's ill and it's not her fault. Someone who's ill is ill, it's good she's starting to feel better but she has to accept her limitations and reckonize that she can't do what she used to not for the moment at least. It's like my in laws keep asking about doing car boot sales and I'm like no, wait until you're completely healed if you have any problems there's nowhere for you to go, it's not the stuff needs to be sold and there's a deadline. I said only yesterday put your health first. She has been accepted for a blue badge and is using her walking stick more which is good too.
I have a stress control group tomorrow evening via TalkIng therapies which I think will be a waste of time as it's not the kinda help I was looking for as it's not counselling or taking, it's just what to do to manage stress better. Anyway might be surprised, we'll see.
schnoodle: (Default)
I really don't know what to do. My wife fell again today, I was really don't think she can look after herself and I don't know what to do about the future. She stresses me out by planning to take holidays which I can't afford and it just adds pressure, especially when I can't do anything about it.

I feel so helpless and lost.
schnoodle: (Default)
I wish there was more I could do. My wife is really suffering at the moment from the side effects of her radiotherapy. Think of the worst sunburn you've ever had and like triple it, her skin is splitting and cracking, weeping. She's been given gels and creams but she's still losing the top layers of skin. She can't wear a bra and is in so much pain she's on morphine and even then that's not enough to kill the pain.
Thankfully she only has 2 treatments left but we've been told that the side effects will be at their strongest 2 weeks after.
We've managed to fill out all her claim forms and her PIP form. I got a bit cross because it was very kind of a friend to help us fill it out but she added some things which just weren't true for example she said that my wife needs a wheelchair and is inconvenient which just isn't true. It's is true that she's unable to dress, bathe, cook meals and walk unaided but a wheelchair was pushing it a little too far. She said she would word it to help us show how serious her case was and that she should be able to get the maximum benefit.
It was brought up in conversation with some of her family and we were told we were silly and we should have kept that in. To me that's completely dishonest, we said we couldn't do it besides saying that could cause more problems as far as trying to adopt or going back to work, losing driving license. I mean it's different if she was older but she might get better she might not but we don't want to live our lives watching our backs. Things are hard enough and we are after genuine help rather trying to get the most we can get from the benefits system.

We are trying so hard emotionally to deal with everything but it's so hard, I don't know what to do about anything - don't know if my wife can really be left alone, if I can really get a job again, if she can go back to work, if we'll get any help.
My wife is fed up and I feel the same, it's very lonely. Lots of people say they'll be there but no one really is, not when you need them.

Babies

Apr. 12th, 2017 09:44 am
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I feel like I should be singing Pulp and just add some yeah, yeah, yeah's. I been feeling a bit frustrated and fed up recently about the whole babies thing. My wife has been going on about me looking into someone to be the mother of my child. Adoption or surrogates. It's hard because I don't really want to spend up to like £15'000 to some lady who I don't really know. It all seems rather cold and clinical, I mean it's a really messed up situation. Apart of me would prefer to have an affair or sex with random women and at least that way the child would have 2 clear parents.
Even my mother was giving me grief over it the other day, as I told her what do you want me to do? I don't have the right genitals! I don't have a womb! It's like it's as straight forward as me getting pregnant, if I could I would. She was on about I'm getting old and she doesn't want me to miss out and I'd be a wonderful father.
This is painful, I had to explain to her and my wife that the cancer treatment and my wife's health are at the moment my top priority and that as much as I'd like to have babies I can't think about it right now.
It seems like my brother and he's wife are going to have a 2nd baby and my brother in law and his wife have just had a baby.
Plus I said to my mum, my wife is convinced she hasn't got long to live so so there is a baby I will have to deal with her dying and me being a single parent of a young baby.

The whole thing is messed up and just depressing
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