Grief

Jul. 20th, 2017 07:18 am
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife's therapy went well yesterday, she talked about how she's been feeling and what she'd like to achieve by having a bucket list. One of the interesting comments from the therapist was that my wife and I are suffering from grief and we're both in morning. For the life we could have had and trying to cope with what will happen sooner or later.
A friend last night said no one knows how much time they have and that you might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I get that, but that is an accident rather than knowing what will happen even if you don't know when. It's a hard thing to deal with and it needs to be talked about. My therapist asked my wife what she thought would make me happy, she said that was easy I would like to know how long, to plan and know what to do. However I also don't want to know because I don't want to face it either. I'm hoping that the doctors at the end of august will give us a better idea of what will happen next.
schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my first counselling session, she was actually very good she picked up things I wasn't really aware of. She asked me what I wanted and I said answers and new ways of dealing with the things I need to deal with. I explained about my wife, cancer, money, holidays, feeling hopeless, lack of control, I said I wanted to be there more for my wife and go along with her not slow her down but I didn't seem to be able to and had problems dealing with everything.
She asked me about my childhood and if I'd ever suffered from sexual abuse, I said no one had ever asked me that before, when I've seen counsellors before they normally let to rant for an hour and then ask for money no one has ever tried to find a route cause of anything before just how to deal with the issue at hand.
I said I had been sexually abused a couple of times once when I was about 6 and again when I was about 16. Although I didn't really see how it was relevant. She said that although I might not be traumatised in the sense that I don't have flashbacks, it will effect the way I view things and that somewhere I my childhood I've suffered some great trauma. She asked if I remembered a lot of my childhood and I said to be honest most of it is blank and I don't really think about it.
From the rest of our talk it was insightful she said I seem to have problems with dominance and subservience, I also have big trust issues especially about myself and consequences of my actions, so rather than take the risk, I don't do anything and would rather someone else take charge. I also shut down, close myself off and try and protect myself, I have been sorta told this before that I'm a people pleaser. I've never really been able to break it, I said counselling has been like a plaster which has a habit of dropping off after a while.
She also asked me about friends and social life, I said I have friends but hardly ever see anyone, she asked me about hobbies and what I did for myself for fun. I said I couldn't really think of anything.
I said I was very afraid of losing my wife and selfishly would be left with nothing in my life and I would be alone. She asked what my hopes and dreams were as far as life and I said I thought the same as most people, get married, have children, good career, nice holidays. I said I feel I've failed as far as most of that goes and I'm helpless to do anything about it and I'm just stuck.
She asked about suicidal thoughts and I said I have them pretty much everyday in one form or another and to me it's just normal. She dug a bit and said that it's understandable considering everything that's happening, she accepted that I'm not going to do anything but it difficult situations you think of ever options and its nature not to want to do deal with this things and that is a way of not dealing with it. It's also another level of control knowing that I could end everything if I wanted that was interesting as control or lack of is one of my biggest problems.
Considering this was my first session and it was only 50 minutes it was very insightful.
schnoodle: (Default)
I know I mentioned this yesterday but it was so hard saying goodbye to my wife at the airport, I'm glad to say she arrived all safe and well and I hope she has a good time. I'm in the house alone, I'm trying to keep busy, this morning I went for a run and texted my wife quickly as she was awake at 4am local time, 9am here.
The Macmillan nurse from the hospital called to speak to my wife and see how she was getting on and I explained where she was. I took the opportunity to ask some questions and she asked how I was coping. To be honest it was hard, she wasn't able to tell me what to expect regarding what would be happening, she said hopefully things will get better but they could also be worst she didn't want to build any hopes. All I can think I my wife is going to die, possibly sooner rather than later. That was the things about saying goodbye at the airport it felt like it really was goodbye, she said she's coming back but I felt how will it be like when she's seriously ill and she's gone forever. I cried because that was really on my mind, I will be alone in this world and I don't think I will be able to cope with her lost.
TalkIng to the nurse made me cry, as I can't cope with the idea, especially as there's nothing I can do.

I'm just trying to keep busy, try and be positive and hope for the best.
schnoodle: (Default)
I think things are getting better, my wife is recovering nicely and I'm hopeful that she won't need me quite so much so that it will be possible for me to get myself prepared to get back into work again even if it's just prepared I'd be happy. My wife's next hospital appointment with the surgeon and oncologist is in 6 weeks at the end of August, so I've a little hesitant to try and rush and find work because until they give her a prognosis and talk about further treatments, it might cause more problems especially if she needs more chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It's frustrating for both of us as we're kinda in limbo until we know.

My wife gets frustrated with me and I do understand why I do have a problem of I don't really like doing anything until I'm sure what's going on, I just don't feel comfortable and I'm very indecisive. My wife pushes me and pushes me, she says we're missing out or I'm missing doing things because I just won't do anything. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they come along my wife is planning lots of things.
Which I wouldn't have so much of a problem with if I was working or earning money. My wife's spending money, which I kinda have a problem with as I don't want her just going spend, spend, spend. I understand and know what she's thinking she's thinking I don't think I have long left I want to have as many experiences/visit as many places as possible. I'm more let's wait and see what the doctors say and try and save as much as possible as we don't know what will happen.
I spoke to the macmillan nurse who just said we were coping with it in different ways, either was wrong, but we need to be careful not to put too much pressure on ourselves.

Anyway my wife is off to Florida next week to see her half sister, people ask me if I'm going and I just say I can't afford it (which I can't) my wife offered to pay for me but then changed her mind because
1. She doesn't know her sister that well since she only got in contact like a year ago, and it'll be good for them to get to know one another better.
2. She's afraid her sister will try and jump into bed with me for some reason.
3. She asked me and then booked it without me, saying she didn't think I was interested (she asked when I was in the middle of something) so it was all my fault.
4. No one would be here to look after the cats
She booked a B&B close to Gatwick as she has a pretty early flight and we didn't want to try and get around the M25/M23 at stupid o clock.

My job while she's away is to do some DIY and painting, not something I especially want to do as I think it's all ok as it is but at least if she's not here I can do it all without her panicking which she sometimes does. She just thinks things should be done differently and then we get stressed about it it's like too many cooks. Anyway I'll get it done and then show her photos to check she's happy. I was quite pleased with myself last night I managed to raise the laminate flooring and replace some planks which needed replacing. Wasn't as easy as I thought as my father in law who laid it for us did some funny things but managed to do and and not really damage the old planks too much. Looks ok anywa, hopefully my wife will be happy enough. I might have to do it again but it'll be easier now I have a better idea what I'm doing.

2 weeks after my wife gets back, she's paid for us to go to Dublin for 4 days. This morning I've paid off the remaining balance of the holiday to Rhodes in September. I think my wife's planning to go to Germany or Belgium in November/December time.

Changing subject I met my old French teacher at the dentist this morning, hadn't seen her for 31 years, she said she remembered me, whether or not she really did after all I think I've changed a little since the age of 11 but it was polite of her to say anyway.

Generally everything else is going OK, I have my counselling start next Friday and I'm still doing running, doing 5k runs like every other day, which has really been helping with the stress and Anxiety.

Anyway I'm hoping things have started to get better and we'll soon be out of limbo.
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife told me earlier that she's heard from some "people" I just don't understand what she's going through because I was asking her if she'd had enough time to rest. Maybe it's a male/female communication thing by asking how you feeling? Have you rested enough? Is me asking do you need more or less rest? Not I'm tired of you resting I think you're making the fatigue up, shift your ass now!

I found this very insulting considering everything we've been through and I do mean we. Ok I don't have cancer, I don't have large breasts, I'm not a woman, I don't have periods, and they'll be many things I don't understand but to say I don't understand what she's going through pissed me right off.

I said I have always been, I have gone through all the emotions, supported her, just everything and to say I don't understand. I replied I know better than anyone! Anyone that says otherwise is just trying to make themselves look big and smart. I mean that's a bit like me asking if she's ok? And having my head bitten off because she still has cancer!

Anyway she said sorry and she knows I hate her now and she's a massive cunt. That pissed me off. I said I didn't say that and wouldn't say that but she was pissing me off by putting words into my mouth. I didn't hate her and I've never called her a cunt!

Asking how she was feeling is me caring. I have to admit I did feel like walking off at that moment and saying fuck this shit, but I didn't because I know she's just frustrated but still I have enough going on without extra crap being added.

I'm worried about a few assessments that will be taking place soon next week Monday, my wife has social services coming over to see how they can help. Thursday as well as voting we have the PIP people coming over and the following Monday I have a health assessment for ESA. All this stress I could do without.

So we'll see.

A future

May. 31st, 2017 12:04 pm
schnoodle: (Default)
Today has been a very positive day so far and there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. This morning we went to the hospital to the breast clinic for a checkup. The Macmillan nurse, asked if my wife had gone back to work and how active she'd been. My wife replied that she wasn't ready and that she was having problems with fatigue and wasn't able to do things. The nurse took us into a side room and said that that wasn't normal and that she should be doing better and that she was relying on me too much to do things. That we both needed to get on with life and we have gotten stuck. She said it was understandable with everything but that my wife's confidence had been shaken and she needs counselling to deal with everything and that was holding her back.
She also said something which was nice to hear that I had it in someways worst because I have been trying to help there's not much I can do and that recovery was really holding me back from getting a job and a life and that, she was relying on me to do everything which is very stressful and really wasn't doing me any good at all. I said I had real problems coping and I could only really feel I could go back to work when I knew my wife was able to go back to work and look after herself. The nurse kinda told my wife off and said you need to push yourself and do more and more by yourself.
Afterwards my wife was made it sound like I was holding her back and stopping her from doing things, this annoyed me a little bit because what I've said is if she has done something to take it easy and not push herself too hard. As in don't expect to run a marathon start slowly and build up, my wife has seen it as go max out and then don't try. The nurse said do simple things like get up and get a drink yourself, go for a walk, dress yourself. She said quite rightly my wife's the only one who knows how she feels and is therefore in control.
It feels nice that I might be able to get a bit more of my life back and become less of a carer as she'll be able to do more herself and rely on me less. We both feel we've been given a life and future back. The nurse said sure they'll be worries around appointments and they might be for years and years to come but you need to live your lives and breast cancer shouldn't be your life.
schnoodle: (Default)
I'm going to express myself on here as there's no judgement. I'm so sexual frustrated ATM, understandably our sex life as pretty died what with emotions and treatments, especially my wife on hormone therapy. It's all a bit messed up, she's said she wants me to enjoy myself and if I get the opportunity I should take it but she understandably doesn't want to know. I love my wife so I have mixed feelings, I don't want to add to what is a terrible situation. I have tried chatting on the swingers site we're a member of but as soon as ladies or couples find out it's just me the conversation just stops. I added to the profile she won't meet anyone due to medical reasons and it's just me, clearly they don't read the profile. The sad thing is ATM, I'm like just to chat or have a social meeting with some of these people, I'm not cheating just exploring. I do wonder if I was a woman the conversations would be very different, there are so many expectations as a man, therefore I'm useless if I'm not part of a couple. There either women looking to explore their lesbian/bi side or wanting a 3 some with husband/boyfriend and don't want a bloke or they say you're married so not interested. If I was a married woman I don't think they'd be a problem, I'd just be liberated and sexually open mind. As a man I'm a pervert who's only interested in one thing.
The thing is I don't know I could do it anyway which is why I just want to talk more than anything, I know it's only really fantasy and I realise that I'm just trying to escape my reality. The idea of sitting in a pub talking about sex lifes and meeting new people sounds exciting but again I don't know what I'm torturing myself. Human nature I suppose, sure I watch porn when I can and knock one out but it's not the same. I just feel like a teenager again who's not getting any, when everyone else's saying they are.
Cancer is such a bastard thing it effects your lif in so many ways and it's like people just expect your life to just stop. The fact that you're human and still have the same feelings and urges as everyone else and just aren't able to just makes things more frustrating.
Again it's just fantasy vs reality.

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