schnoodle: (Default)
Counselling I'm told is going well and going in a good direction. I think it's going well not sure of the direction. She is focused a lot on my childhood, I told her a word which kept popping into my head while I was trying to sleep the other night - "deserve". I deserve to suffer, you deserve this, you deserve everything you get... she said there's a lot of self loathing and a lot of anger in general. She asked where some of that came from and again asked about my childhood I said I had a primary school teacher who hated boys and terrified me, there was real focus on how wonderful girls were pretty, clear, wee behaved. Boys were stupid, naughty and should be seen and not heard. I said there was a lot of sugar and spice and all things nice that's what little girls are made of, slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails that's what little boys are made of.
I said I felt when I was growing up and possibly because I didn't really hang around many boys, mainly girls, I was made to feel that men are evil, responsible for all the problems in the world and all bastards. Also that I was male because I was different and wasn't normal, always in the friends zone and a real none entity.
I said I feel labelled as being a man, we're always only after one thing, don't understand, create all the problems in the world, responsible for everything. However we are all raised my women and a lot of how we view the world actually comes from women. I said if a women is interested and open about sex wants and desires she's considered liberated and confident if it's a man he is considered to be a pervert and deviant. Of course this isn't always the case, but we do seem to like giving labels. Yet sexual feelings are a basic human need, it's part of our DNA. It brought about discussion about different generations and what is considered normal, most of the rules we life by are stupid social inventions.
I said I remember having a bit of an argument with a girl I knew and she was complaining about the attention she was getting "how would you like it if everyone wanted to penetrate you!!!" I replied it depended if I wanted penetrating? How would you feel if no one wanted to penetrate you? You'd be complaining that no one was giving you any attention. You can't have it both ways or all on your own terms. She used to complain a lot about boys not being interested. I said I didn't feel people, girls especially were interested in me, so I was actually jealous.
I was very depressed and numb while growing up and spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, my emotions were very shut off. This was mainly due to the normal boys don't cry or some their emotions. I also said that my mother used to say I had a bad temper and I would end up killing someone and ending up in prison. I needed to learn control and hide my temper.
Work was also discussed and lack of progression as well as control and I wondered if I had held myself back and if unknowingly I had sabotaged myself choosing safe options and not taking risks, not liking the attention especially being dyslexic. I said it's odd sometimes I'm an attention seeker but it someone else makes me the centre of attention I don't like it and shut up and you wouldn't even know I was there.
We discussed again how I felt and thought about things growing up, she said she thought part of the problem was I was never really asked how I really felt about things or what I thought. My self identify wasn't properly developed and I was just expected to accept things and not to really question things.
schnoodle: (Default)
Today I had my 2nd counselling session, went through many subjects -
* My ex fiancée and how our relationship destroyed my self esteem and many believes. How communication broke down and she left without given me a second thought because she wanted to sleep with someone else and didn't think we have a future. How she didn't want to talk, fix it or even try. How the last time I actually saw her she thanked me and said she couldn't have gotten through things without me. 6 months later she called me haven't read my journal and realising how much pain and suffer she'd cause me. I still ended up comforting her and said what did she expect. I said to the counsellor I'm not a wall and I do have feelings!

* Frustrations over social norms vs basic instincts, this covered many areas - dating rituals, job interviews, health issues profit vs compassion. For example I said why should I as a male have to try and impress and chase a girl? Why should a male have to pay during a date? Be the gentleman and how to try and impress? Why cant people just like someone else? Why does there have to be an agenda? Why to I have to get all dressed up in a suit to impress someone in an interview? Surely if I'm good enough and have the skills, why can't I just have the job. Etc. Etc.

* Areas of my childhood - not really feeling I fitted in, wasn't in any social clicks I was just wierd, didn't think I made a good male, didn't like sports, didn't play football, had lots of girl "friends" and actually being told I wasn't a normal bloke. How my mother would tell me a lot that she wished I'd been a girl. That I had a bad temper and my mother would say I'd end up killing someone some day and that I had to learn control.
My brother asking me to ask my dad for toys, as he couldn't do it and that I sometimes got toys I didn't actually want just to make my brother happy.
How my parents and grandparents would sit in the living room and discuss my life and what I should be doing, trying to do with my life. I said that I always believe they would do this because they always wanted the bet for me but that they could add a lot of pressure and especially my grandparents would show the displeasure about many of my choices. She was surprised this would actually happen with me in the room.

* Expressing myself - how I don't feel I can actually say what I mean, that I find it easier to take to say Americans because they tend to say what they actually mean rather than try and hint or be subtle. I want people to be straight forward say what they mean, so example rather than "fancy coming in for a coffee?" Instead say "I'm horny fancy coming in for a screw!" Etc. Or if someone says MAYBE YOU SHOULD... therefore implying you NEED to.
I said I understand this isn't always straightforward and sometimes insensitive but there are many things I feel I therefore can't say because I'm afraid of the reaction I will get therefore don't say anything. If someone is open and honest and I can speak openly I feel a lot better with not judgements.

* My wife and our situation- I said I felt I had been unfair and selfish in not understanding my wife's needs, that she is actually emotionally and not necessarily logically. That I need to try to more open and just let go.
She questioned this and asked how I had been selfish that by the sounds of it my wife and I are in 2 different places and I shouldn't just let go and give in to everything my wife wants. I said I wasn't intending to but that it's been pointed out to me that that if she hasn't got long left they it would be better to build good memories rather than regrets and that should be more important and that I've not been seeing it that way. So trying to be open to going more places, doing more things together would be good rather than no. Also my wife being away has shown me how much I love and miss her and that I don't want to be alone.

* My career development or lack therefore of, how I'd not been able to do what I wanted and felt I'd had to take roles, my dyslexia had been an issue, going to university later and feeling how my life was wasting away.

The hour came to an end very quickly and I thanked her and said that I appreciated her insights, she said that she thought I had real problems in my childhood, I'd not developed emotional healthy, that it sounded like my parents and grandparents had expectations and how tried to mould me and put a lot of pressure on me from a young age to be and act a certain way and that I wasn't able to really be myself.

I said that it helps her guiding me and that I felt I was making connections, she said it was important to remember I was doing this for me, I said I'd been told before I'm a people pleaser and she said it did seem that I do a lot for others and didn't really consider myself at all and seem very lost. She asked if I had many close friends that I saw and I said I didn't really have many and since I'd seen her I'd seen 2 people the rest of the time I'd been doing DIY and had been alone. I'd spoken to my wife daily via video chat but hadn't seen anyone physically.
She said it was important especially with everything that was currently happening I would need extra emotional support and that I should seek it out asap.

She want to discuss my childhood further next week.
schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my first counselling session, she was actually very good she picked up things I wasn't really aware of. She asked me what I wanted and I said answers and new ways of dealing with the things I need to deal with. I explained about my wife, cancer, money, holidays, feeling hopeless, lack of control, I said I wanted to be there more for my wife and go along with her not slow her down but I didn't seem to be able to and had problems dealing with everything.
She asked me about my childhood and if I'd ever suffered from sexual abuse, I said no one had ever asked me that before, when I've seen counsellors before they normally let to rant for an hour and then ask for money no one has ever tried to find a route cause of anything before just how to deal with the issue at hand.
I said I had been sexually abused a couple of times once when I was about 6 and again when I was about 16. Although I didn't really see how it was relevant. She said that although I might not be traumatised in the sense that I don't have flashbacks, it will effect the way I view things and that somewhere I my childhood I've suffered some great trauma. She asked if I remembered a lot of my childhood and I said to be honest most of it is blank and I don't really think about it.
From the rest of our talk it was insightful she said I seem to have problems with dominance and subservience, I also have big trust issues especially about myself and consequences of my actions, so rather than take the risk, I don't do anything and would rather someone else take charge. I also shut down, close myself off and try and protect myself, I have been sorta told this before that I'm a people pleaser. I've never really been able to break it, I said counselling has been like a plaster which has a habit of dropping off after a while.
She also asked me about friends and social life, I said I have friends but hardly ever see anyone, she asked me about hobbies and what I did for myself for fun. I said I couldn't really think of anything.
I said I was very afraid of losing my wife and selfishly would be left with nothing in my life and I would be alone. She asked what my hopes and dreams were as far as life and I said I thought the same as most people, get married, have children, good career, nice holidays. I said I feel I've failed as far as most of that goes and I'm helpless to do anything about it and I'm just stuck.
She asked about suicidal thoughts and I said I have them pretty much everyday in one form or another and to me it's just normal. She dug a bit and said that it's understandable considering everything that's happening, she accepted that I'm not going to do anything but it difficult situations you think of ever options and its nature not to want to do deal with this things and that is a way of not dealing with it. It's also another level of control knowing that I could end everything if I wanted that was interesting as control or lack of is one of my biggest problems.
Considering this was my first session and it was only 50 minutes it was very insightful.
schnoodle: (Default)
Yesterday's meeting with the ESA assessment people went ok, the lady said I shouldn't tell you this my I think no you have good reasons for not being able to work at the moment and you sound like you're going through a lot ATM. My wife has really been stressing me out and I've not really been able to work out what it actually is. Last night it clicked, I'm am very much dealing with the here and now, taking each day as it comes. My wife isn't, she's planning the future - leaving her job, moving house, going to university. This is great but she's not actually dealing with what is actually happening, I'm getting more and more stressed dealing with the important things that need to be done and she's not really helping with that. The planning is just adding more to my and she's can't understand why.
I explained it like this if your at work, generally you work time off especially if you have a busy work place then go to the travel agent and book the holiday. She's trying to do it the other way round to book and plan things and hoping it doesn't mess with anyone or anything else. There can be a lot of problems and extra stressed cause but not finding out things beforehand. I said to her I'm not trying to get negative or not committal but you're planning all these things and thinking life will be great, However you might end up making things worse and we could loose everything.
Sure we can move to somewhere cheaper to live and get a lesser mortgage, get a degree but if we both out of work we might loss a house even if it is cheaper.
There are too much unanswered questions, she still is a cancer patient and she doesn't know about further treatments. I feel like I'm shitting on her dreams but she needs to but in the real world and sometimes we can't just do what we want.

St the end of the day there are too many things currently beyond my control and I can do nothing about. I don't even have a job because things are beyond my control how she things we can do these things if neither of us is working.

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