schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my 8th counselling session I have one more to go as I was given an extension on the original 7 sessions due to the problems I've been having. There is talk of giving me extra help and support after they come to an end. This session seem to go by so fast, I didn't mean to but it all focused around my wife and the issues we've been having especiythis week because my results were so low. I just said she keeps snapping and having a go at me for everything and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.
My wife and I discussed it quickly before I left and my wife said that she knew she was being a complete cunt and asshole to me all week. I said I understand and I really do understand that she scared, frustrated and angry especially with the hospital appointment coming up it's making her worse. However although I'm understanding why I said to her it's still hurtful and wearing when I'm being verbally attacked and told to fuck off! on almost a daily basis. To give an example my wife was talking about her having a sore back yesterday and I acknowledged it and was snapped at and told to fuck off! And I replied well i don't know what I can do? I've suggested taking pain killers or a hot bath but you won't do that and say I'm not being helpful and telling me to fuck off! She then calms down and says she's sorry but it just goes on like this.
The counsellor said unfortunately there's nothing I can do, it's just a shitty situation and there's nothing anyone can do. The only think to probably do is don't try and fix it. She said I'm a fixer and I'm a good person to have in a crisis who has good suggestions and knows how to sort things but cancer isn't something I can fix. Trying to fix things probably by suggesting things is probably seen as not being helpful. I said it hard because I've tried a agreeing, not agreeing, staying quiet and try and adapt to the situation but she's just angry.
I described it a bit like meditation and I'm trying to keep equilibrium, my wife however swings sometimes switches violently between happy and sad. The counsellor said it sounds exhausting and I said it is, it really is. I have to really watch what I say and how I say it not to make things worse. I gave the example the other day but having an argument on something we were actually agreeing on.
I said it's not always about what I say either sometimes I'm accused of having a look in my eye or my body language and I'm giving off signals that I'm not even aware of. And told that I'm thinking a certain thing, as if I don't know my own mind.
I said I get angry too about some of the plans my wife talks about, it's good to have ideas about the future, but when she says things like your family will always give you money and we'll move out of the area and I'll study at university and you'll get a great job and you'll pay for everything, then it stresses me out. I said to the counsellor and I've told my wife also I focus on the day and the next day, it's good to have things to look forward to but at the moment I don't have a job and I don't have that much in savings and I don't know what the future will bring and it's stressful to put that pressure on me when I'm just trying to look after her and keep everything stable. I said she's like someone who's just got a credit card and is deciding all the things they can spend it on. I said she's not being reckless but she's not always considering all the consequences to living here and now. I understand again that's the cancer and she's worried she's not got long to life but at the same time I believe and hope she will have many years to come but again it needs balance. Otherwise it's like the person who is shocked when the card company want their money paid back. I said we have a mortgage and bills to pay and booking holidays and spending money have nice things is great but if you end up with no money and no roof other your head it's also worrying.
I said it was worse because appointment at the end of the month is coming up that would be a very good or very bad depending on what happens with that I would probably need more support because either way I think it's going to be rough.
As I say the session was over very quickly she said again there's nothing I can do but I needed to protect myself emotionally even if that was just going for a walk by myself to give myself a break.
schnoodle: (Default)
Just finished my counselling session she said my results from my questionnaire was a great improvement and maybe we have reached a turning point, she asked what I had been doing/thinking this week to get such a positive outlook. I said a few things had happened this week
1. I had dug a tree stump up and although it in itself wasn't a big deal, it had been harder than I thought it would be, it had taken a lot of work and energy but I felt it was a big achievement as it was something I had been putting off for over 2 years. So I was pleased with myself for doing it.
2. My wife's sister is coming over from Florida in a couple of weeks and we have been busy trying to get the house sorted for guests, this again involves things we have been putting off for a while and we have been sorting as well as tidying.
3. I had to go to the Job Centre to meet my work coach on Wednesday to keep getting my ESA and I thought they were going to give me such a hard time, but infact were really understanding, he said we want to help you and your wife in this difficult time and support you and help you get back into work when you are ready. I was grateful for this as I said I wanted to get back to work but until my wife was well enough and I also felt ready considering my emotional breakdown I did need the help and I was grateful for it as I didn't want to get caught up in the benefit system. Being at work would do me good, it would give me structure, routine and working again with people.
4. This is a bit of a weird one, I went to get a new light bulb from Homebase yesterday and bumped into a girl I used to go to College with who I hadn't seen in like 18 years. I met her daughter who is 20, it was a bit awkward as she has a habit of speaking at you but it was interesting to discuss what has happened in the time apart from the fact she has a grown up daughter. She said that she thought of me only the other day. This amazed me because I can say that she hadn't really crossed my mind at all but she remembered me fondly and said she remembered my art and me being so confident and creative.
I said it made me think what happened and why am I in the state that I'm in? Is in a midlife crisis? Just a low point? Have I always been like this? I said it made me think "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." why am I always back here?
I said "suicide is painless" from MASH had been going around in my head a lot, she was a bit worried about this but then I played it for her and she was surprised it was so upbeat. I said it's from a comedy and that it's really about duality and I said the words rang true for me:
"The game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna lose it anyway, The losing card I'll someday lay so this is all I have to say. suicide is painless, it brings on many changes and I can take or leave it if I please."
So basically I don't know I can do but I can't win and I won't win because I will die someday but as she was saying it about life as a journey.

She asked me some interesting questions one of which was do you think of yourself as an adult? Which made me stop and say someways yes in otherways no. I don't feel any different to as I did as a child and in many ways. I said that there's a part of me that's never really wanted to grow up, that responsibility, deal with things.
I did have a time when I was in my teens when I had a "fuck it" attitude and damn the consequences however over the years I have been more thoughtful and considered my actions and taken responsibility. Inside I've felt afraid like a small child who just wants to hide. I have had to deal with everything but I don't really always know how to really cope and deal with situations not emotionally anyway.
She said as an adult I need to take risk to grow and make myself happy. She said that I seem to sabotage myself.
We discussed working and my meeting at the job centre she said it risks are important to grow and move in a career, I said that for me it's been very difficult because although she said I should take control and take risks regarding work to move forward in my career I said for my last 4 roles I've not had a choice and I've been made redundant and I have been loyal and not had the company care about me. She said I had been through a lot and my confidence had been destroyed and needed building up. My upbringing had also messed with my head. She asked me about taking risks and I replied my grandmother voice enters my had and tells me not to do it, play it safe.
She said I'm an adult and I need to learn to take risks and take the power back but I seem to be realising this and slowly she thinks I'm reexaminating my benefits, reckoning and coming to terms with the issues I have.
schnoodle: (Default)
Today I had my 6th counselling session, it was a hard session I said I wanted to control my suicidal thoughts, but in fact I'm not necessary doing it to myself but I described these thoughts which she said are brutal and I'm often the victim. For example I said a lot of the time I'm trying to sleep and these thoughts pop into my head, I said I'd asked my mum if she still owned an axe because there's a tree I want to dig up and cut the roots, later that night I had a version of an axe splitting my head open and chopping me to pieces.
She asked me how often I got thoughts like this and I said pretty much every day/night, I don't really want to think these thoughts but for some reason I deserve it and that in some ways they should happen. She said I was mentally self harming and that I'm trying to take emotional anger and pain and mentality trying to make that physical and a way of coming to terms and dealing with it.
We talked my wife's cancer and the reasons to life and I said that I wanted to feel like I wanted to live but really what is there to live for? I'm some day going to die and my wife's going to die and it's like a game I cannot win. She reminded me that she wasn't dead yet and I should try and enjoy life especially the time left, I can be happy and a future and life is a journey. I have been through a lot of trauma and had to deal with a lot, I have a lot of anger and frustration and lack of control, that I'm going through a lot and that I need to look after myself and I'm worth it, we're going through a hard time but we're together and life is not over. My frustrations are because life isn't fair and that I'm trying to make sense of life and death and ATM it's in sharp focus.
I did cry a bit, I said she's making me face myself and my thoughts and feelings. She said I have to remember that my wife is being treated and looked after but someone needs to take care of me too and I need to remember that, I'm suffered maybe not physically but emotionally I'm going through a lot.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had my 5th counselling session on Monday, the counsellor was worried because my results of my questionnaire showed signs of being suicidal. I said I didn't know about that but I was certainly fed up, and pissed off, she asked me to explain further. I explained that on the Saturday I'd gone into London with my wife to have her gastric band adjusted and I kept getting emails and a call from my mum regarding her cat she'd not seen for 4 days. She sent me a missing cat poster which I had to redo because she'd put too much information on there. Like he's a lovely cat and I've spent my time looking since Tuesday etc. So I had to redo it by simplifying it and adding things like MISSING CAT and a phone number and removing all of things she'd done. I Said no one interested, all their interested in is what the cat looks like when it went missing, where it went missing and contact number. Anyway I did this all on my phone. I said I'd pop over there to help her look and to hand out these posters. So we got back from London early especially and I go other there. To be greeted by my mum asked why I hadn't printed the posters off, I'm like I've been in London all day and I emailed you the poster so you could print it! She then told me her printer hasn't been used in like 6 years. I'm like when I don't have any ink in my printer so I'll have to do it later and so it wasn't a wasted trip I would help her look for the cat. So we looked and couldn't find him, my mum spoke to a random neighbor who she was convinced had stolen her cat.
Anyway here's the bit that upset me, back at hers I asked if she was ok and she lose it completely at me, everything was my fault, she's old and can't do anything. She'd asked me to replace some of her flooring and I hadn't done it, everything with me is conditional, I don't care, all I want is her money. I was like ???? What the hell? I'm like what are you on about? I've helped you do the poster? I've come around to help you look for your cat? You offered me money for new printer cartridges which I accepted. You have offered me money to help me out. I haven't asked for the money. I'm very grateful but it's not my fault. She replied I shouldn't accept what's been offered! I'm like what offer then?
As for the floor I wasn't confident enough to do the floor at the time and as for being old and not able to do anything that's not my fault either. I pointed out that she has more then one son, she just said my brother was next to useless and she never bothers him.
I stood my ground and just said your upset about your cat but that's no reason to take it all out on me! She replied who else am I going to take it out on. Anyway in the end she said she was sorry and she loved me.
The following day she called and said I need you to arrange an appointment at the vets and I need you to take me because about 30 minutes after I left her car came back.
So on the Monday I did, I was still however really cross with her, because going through enough shit at the moment and I don't need adding to it especially over her cat.
My mum apologised again and said that she was really sorry I said that she'd really hurt me and that I'd been feeling down all weekend because of it and she should understand what I'm going through and accept my help and not cause me more problems. The counsellor said I've done very well and I had actually stood up for myself that this was a good step good progress and I said that with my mother I can be quite direct and open again with everything else it's not something I feel I have to deal with. The counsellor said I was emotionally vulnerable at the moment and my mother was playing the victim, to make me do things for her and that again I'd done really well. I said I had stood up to her but emotionally it was too much. She said I was a good problem solver and I had a rational brain.
I was a bit annoyed because talking about this experience took pretty much the whole session and it wasn't something I wanted to take about considering how much sessions I have left. The counsellor said it was good because it gave her another insight into how much mind works and the relationship with my mother.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had my fourth session on Friday, it's funny alway beforehand I think I have no idea what to talk about and I still end up running over.
I discussed my wife's therapy session and talked about grief and that's was right on the nose what I had been feeling and read her out the page my wife had been given including the stages = Loss - Disbelief/Denial - Sadness/Anger/Despair/Guilt/Punishment - Anxiety/Hopelessness/Helplessness - Acceptance & Reinvesting in life. She said that's all true but it doesn't mean it's in that order and you can also repeat the same pattern again as well as comments/events can set the cycle again. My wife and I may well both be going through grief but that didn't mean we were at the same stage. She said that we seem to be talking a lot more and there seems to be more acceptance that I'm trying to deal with this too and that she's not alone. As I explained my wife said I was being overprotective but then said she'd be worse.
I talked about thoughts of suicide and I said I won't but it still plays on my mind a lot, I talked about trying to escape the situation and wanting a way out. She asked why I thought about these things and I replied it's the age old questions- why am I here? Am I nothing more? What have I done to deserve this? What's the point in any of it? I said these questions enter my head all the time. Maybe there's a better after life. I said that my wife and I talked about her death after her hospital appointment and it was hard. She told me she's not afraid of dying she's a afraid of me being left alone and leaving me. I said to the counsellor why would I want to be in a world where she's not in it? That's hard.
She asked if that suicide wasn't selfish and I should think of my parents and possible futures, and that I could possibly have a future marriage with someone else and being a man I'm not limited by my body clock and therefore could still have children.
I said all this is true but I do wonder how successful in life I am and how successful I could be, I said how saddened I was to hear about Chester Bennington and how much I like Linkin Park. She asked if that wasn't a reason not too. I said that I was angry because he had 6 kids, was famous, rich and had been very successful and he had taken his own life. To me he had everything to live for, I said he does show that depression and abuse don't care about how successful you are but especially having 6 kids he shouldn't have taken his life because to me that is selfish.
I said atm I was afraid of the future and what it could be and that I analyse everything for risk and I'm afraid to pretty much do anything, my wife on the other hand has a new view on life and wants to do everything and anything. I said that scares me a lot and set my anxiety off. I said she has money and wants to live life while she can because she doesn't know how long she has left. I'm a bit more calious because I don't know how long I have and ATM I don't have a lot. She said that could cause conflict and I said it has done. I'm trying to let go and roll with things a little more and try and do things and not be so worried about things.
I was told it was striking the right balance and weighing up the risks and gains. I had said I play things too safe and I want to be more sex, drugs and rock n roll and get jealous of these people with a life fast, die young kinda attitude but again I'm fearful about things and don't want to die young or get STI's or do drugs but I do really want to life. I said I had a dream of being on my deathbed and regretting not living.
She said that I afraid of being left with nothing and I said I was, no wife, no job, no house, no money, no life, nothing at all and that scares me a lot.
She asked me what I wanted to focus on I trying to be happy and enjoy the time I still have with my wife and build some good memories
schnoodle: (Default)
Counselling I'm told is going well and going in a good direction. I think it's going well not sure of the direction. She is focused a lot on my childhood, I told her a word which kept popping into my head while I was trying to sleep the other night - "deserve". I deserve to suffer, you deserve this, you deserve everything you get... she said there's a lot of self loathing and a lot of anger in general. She asked where some of that came from and again asked about my childhood I said I had a primary school teacher who hated boys and terrified me, there was real focus on how wonderful girls were pretty, clear, wee behaved. Boys were stupid, naughty and should be seen and not heard. I said there was a lot of sugar and spice and all things nice that's what little girls are made of, slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails that's what little boys are made of.
I said I felt when I was growing up and possibly because I didn't really hang around many boys, mainly girls, I was made to feel that men are evil, responsible for all the problems in the world and all bastards. Also that I was male because I was different and wasn't normal, always in the friends zone and a real none entity.
I said I feel labelled as being a man, we're always only after one thing, don't understand, create all the problems in the world, responsible for everything. However we are all raised my women and a lot of how we view the world actually comes from women. I said if a women is interested and open about sex wants and desires she's considered liberated and confident if it's a man he is considered to be a pervert and deviant. Of course this isn't always the case, but we do seem to like giving labels. Yet sexual feelings are a basic human need, it's part of our DNA. It brought about discussion about different generations and what is considered normal, most of the rules we life by are stupid social inventions.
I said I remember having a bit of an argument with a girl I knew and she was complaining about the attention she was getting "how would you like it if everyone wanted to penetrate you!!!" I replied it depended if I wanted penetrating? How would you feel if no one wanted to penetrate you? You'd be complaining that no one was giving you any attention. You can't have it both ways or all on your own terms. She used to complain a lot about boys not being interested. I said I didn't feel people, girls especially were interested in me, so I was actually jealous.
I was very depressed and numb while growing up and spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, my emotions were very shut off. This was mainly due to the normal boys don't cry or some their emotions. I also said that my mother used to say I had a bad temper and I would end up killing someone and ending up in prison. I needed to learn control and hide my temper.
Work was also discussed and lack of progression as well as control and I wondered if I had held myself back and if unknowingly I had sabotaged myself choosing safe options and not taking risks, not liking the attention especially being dyslexic. I said it's odd sometimes I'm an attention seeker but it someone else makes me the centre of attention I don't like it and shut up and you wouldn't even know I was there.
We discussed again how I felt and thought about things growing up, she said she thought part of the problem was I was never really asked how I really felt about things or what I thought. My self identify wasn't properly developed and I was just expected to accept things and not to really question things.
schnoodle: (Default)
Today I had my 2nd counselling session, went through many subjects -
* My ex fiancée and how our relationship destroyed my self esteem and many believes. How communication broke down and she left without given me a second thought because she wanted to sleep with someone else and didn't think we have a future. How she didn't want to talk, fix it or even try. How the last time I actually saw her she thanked me and said she couldn't have gotten through things without me. 6 months later she called me haven't read my journal and realising how much pain and suffer she'd cause me. I still ended up comforting her and said what did she expect. I said to the counsellor I'm not a wall and I do have feelings!

* Frustrations over social norms vs basic instincts, this covered many areas - dating rituals, job interviews, health issues profit vs compassion. For example I said why should I as a male have to try and impress and chase a girl? Why should a male have to pay during a date? Be the gentleman and how to try and impress? Why cant people just like someone else? Why does there have to be an agenda? Why to I have to get all dressed up in a suit to impress someone in an interview? Surely if I'm good enough and have the skills, why can't I just have the job. Etc. Etc.

* Areas of my childhood - not really feeling I fitted in, wasn't in any social clicks I was just wierd, didn't think I made a good male, didn't like sports, didn't play football, had lots of girl "friends" and actually being told I wasn't a normal bloke. How my mother would tell me a lot that she wished I'd been a girl. That I had a bad temper and my mother would say I'd end up killing someone some day and that I had to learn control.
My brother asking me to ask my dad for toys, as he couldn't do it and that I sometimes got toys I didn't actually want just to make my brother happy.
How my parents and grandparents would sit in the living room and discuss my life and what I should be doing, trying to do with my life. I said that I always believe they would do this because they always wanted the bet for me but that they could add a lot of pressure and especially my grandparents would show the displeasure about many of my choices. She was surprised this would actually happen with me in the room.

* Expressing myself - how I don't feel I can actually say what I mean, that I find it easier to take to say Americans because they tend to say what they actually mean rather than try and hint or be subtle. I want people to be straight forward say what they mean, so example rather than "fancy coming in for a coffee?" Instead say "I'm horny fancy coming in for a screw!" Etc. Or if someone says MAYBE YOU SHOULD... therefore implying you NEED to.
I said I understand this isn't always straightforward and sometimes insensitive but there are many things I feel I therefore can't say because I'm afraid of the reaction I will get therefore don't say anything. If someone is open and honest and I can speak openly I feel a lot better with not judgements.

* My wife and our situation- I said I felt I had been unfair and selfish in not understanding my wife's needs, that she is actually emotionally and not necessarily logically. That I need to try to more open and just let go.
She questioned this and asked how I had been selfish that by the sounds of it my wife and I are in 2 different places and I shouldn't just let go and give in to everything my wife wants. I said I wasn't intending to but that it's been pointed out to me that that if she hasn't got long left they it would be better to build good memories rather than regrets and that should be more important and that I've not been seeing it that way. So trying to be open to going more places, doing more things together would be good rather than no. Also my wife being away has shown me how much I love and miss her and that I don't want to be alone.

* My career development or lack therefore of, how I'd not been able to do what I wanted and felt I'd had to take roles, my dyslexia had been an issue, going to university later and feeling how my life was wasting away.

The hour came to an end very quickly and I thanked her and said that I appreciated her insights, she said that she thought I had real problems in my childhood, I'd not developed emotional healthy, that it sounded like my parents and grandparents had expectations and how tried to mould me and put a lot of pressure on me from a young age to be and act a certain way and that I wasn't able to really be myself.

I said that it helps her guiding me and that I felt I was making connections, she said it was important to remember I was doing this for me, I said I'd been told before I'm a people pleaser and she said it did seem that I do a lot for others and didn't really consider myself at all and seem very lost. She asked if I had many close friends that I saw and I said I didn't really have many and since I'd seen her I'd seen 2 people the rest of the time I'd been doing DIY and had been alone. I'd spoken to my wife daily via video chat but hadn't seen anyone physically.
She said it was important especially with everything that was currently happening I would need extra emotional support and that I should seek it out asap.

She want to discuss my childhood further next week.
schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my first counselling session, she was actually very good she picked up things I wasn't really aware of. She asked me what I wanted and I said answers and new ways of dealing with the things I need to deal with. I explained about my wife, cancer, money, holidays, feeling hopeless, lack of control, I said I wanted to be there more for my wife and go along with her not slow her down but I didn't seem to be able to and had problems dealing with everything.
She asked me about my childhood and if I'd ever suffered from sexual abuse, I said no one had ever asked me that before, when I've seen counsellors before they normally let to rant for an hour and then ask for money no one has ever tried to find a route cause of anything before just how to deal with the issue at hand.
I said I had been sexually abused a couple of times once when I was about 6 and again when I was about 16. Although I didn't really see how it was relevant. She said that although I might not be traumatised in the sense that I don't have flashbacks, it will effect the way I view things and that somewhere I my childhood I've suffered some great trauma. She asked if I remembered a lot of my childhood and I said to be honest most of it is blank and I don't really think about it.
From the rest of our talk it was insightful she said I seem to have problems with dominance and subservience, I also have big trust issues especially about myself and consequences of my actions, so rather than take the risk, I don't do anything and would rather someone else take charge. I also shut down, close myself off and try and protect myself, I have been sorta told this before that I'm a people pleaser. I've never really been able to break it, I said counselling has been like a plaster which has a habit of dropping off after a while.
She also asked me about friends and social life, I said I have friends but hardly ever see anyone, she asked me about hobbies and what I did for myself for fun. I said I couldn't really think of anything.
I said I was very afraid of losing my wife and selfishly would be left with nothing in my life and I would be alone. She asked what my hopes and dreams were as far as life and I said I thought the same as most people, get married, have children, good career, nice holidays. I said I feel I've failed as far as most of that goes and I'm helpless to do anything about it and I'm just stuck.
She asked about suicidal thoughts and I said I have them pretty much everyday in one form or another and to me it's just normal. She dug a bit and said that it's understandable considering everything that's happening, she accepted that I'm not going to do anything but it difficult situations you think of ever options and its nature not to want to do deal with this things and that is a way of not dealing with it. It's also another level of control knowing that I could end everything if I wanted that was interesting as control or lack of is one of my biggest problems.
Considering this was my first session and it was only 50 minutes it was very insightful.
schnoodle: (Default)
I think things are getting better, my wife is recovering nicely and I'm hopeful that she won't need me quite so much so that it will be possible for me to get myself prepared to get back into work again even if it's just prepared I'd be happy. My wife's next hospital appointment with the surgeon and oncologist is in 6 weeks at the end of August, so I've a little hesitant to try and rush and find work because until they give her a prognosis and talk about further treatments, it might cause more problems especially if she needs more chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It's frustrating for both of us as we're kinda in limbo until we know.

My wife gets frustrated with me and I do understand why I do have a problem of I don't really like doing anything until I'm sure what's going on, I just don't feel comfortable and I'm very indecisive. My wife pushes me and pushes me, she says we're missing out or I'm missing doing things because I just won't do anything. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they come along my wife is planning lots of things.
Which I wouldn't have so much of a problem with if I was working or earning money. My wife's spending money, which I kinda have a problem with as I don't want her just going spend, spend, spend. I understand and know what she's thinking she's thinking I don't think I have long left I want to have as many experiences/visit as many places as possible. I'm more let's wait and see what the doctors say and try and save as much as possible as we don't know what will happen.
I spoke to the macmillan nurse who just said we were coping with it in different ways, either was wrong, but we need to be careful not to put too much pressure on ourselves.

Anyway my wife is off to Florida next week to see her half sister, people ask me if I'm going and I just say I can't afford it (which I can't) my wife offered to pay for me but then changed her mind because
1. She doesn't know her sister that well since she only got in contact like a year ago, and it'll be good for them to get to know one another better.
2. She's afraid her sister will try and jump into bed with me for some reason.
3. She asked me and then booked it without me, saying she didn't think I was interested (she asked when I was in the middle of something) so it was all my fault.
4. No one would be here to look after the cats
She booked a B&B close to Gatwick as she has a pretty early flight and we didn't want to try and get around the M25/M23 at stupid o clock.

My job while she's away is to do some DIY and painting, not something I especially want to do as I think it's all ok as it is but at least if she's not here I can do it all without her panicking which she sometimes does. She just thinks things should be done differently and then we get stressed about it it's like too many cooks. Anyway I'll get it done and then show her photos to check she's happy. I was quite pleased with myself last night I managed to raise the laminate flooring and replace some planks which needed replacing. Wasn't as easy as I thought as my father in law who laid it for us did some funny things but managed to do and and not really damage the old planks too much. Looks ok anywa, hopefully my wife will be happy enough. I might have to do it again but it'll be easier now I have a better idea what I'm doing.

2 weeks after my wife gets back, she's paid for us to go to Dublin for 4 days. This morning I've paid off the remaining balance of the holiday to Rhodes in September. I think my wife's planning to go to Germany or Belgium in November/December time.

Changing subject I met my old French teacher at the dentist this morning, hadn't seen her for 31 years, she said she remembered me, whether or not she really did after all I think I've changed a little since the age of 11 but it was polite of her to say anyway.

Generally everything else is going OK, I have my counselling start next Friday and I'm still doing running, doing 5k runs like every other day, which has really been helping with the stress and Anxiety.

Anyway I'm hoping things have started to get better and we'll soon be out of limbo.


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September 2017

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