schnoodle: (Default)
This afternoon i had my final face to face counselling session, The counselling could not be extended any further than 9 sessions, originally there were only met to be 7 but I was given another 2 as she felt i needed it. She is putting me forward for group therapy, as she feels i still need help dealing with my emotions and stepping back. She says I deal with issues and problems generally very well and actually better than most, however i have a tendency to obsess about problems and let them overwhelm me emotionally even if I've actually dealt with the issue practically. I need to let to step back and say I have done enough and just let it go.
She asked how I was feeling and I said very anxious especially with regards to the appointment next week. I said my wife and I have been in limbo since April and we don't know what's going to happen, but everything has been leading up to this point and the future and what direction our lives will take will very much be effected. More treatment? How long she will have to live? They are all possible. Depending on the outcome I may well have to search for work again, I have been at home for almost a year now and the thought of going to work and leaving my wife home alone is also scary.
I said and he counsellor agreed that communication with my wife is much better, especially now I'm out trying to fix things all the time. It's still hard I explained that my wife doesn't think she'll I've another 4 years to make it to 40. The counsellor said that must be hard to hear. I said it is and that my wife has also looked into funerals and putting things in place. The counsellor said my wife is probably trying o be productive and keep busy, I replied I know that's exactly what it is and I know the time will come. I said I know we talked about life being a journey but I think when that day comes the journey will end and I will want to be with her. I also confessed that as horrible as it sounds when it does happen I want it to be quick and painless and that I have thought f a life after and how and what I think it'll be like, I'm to sure I want to face it. She said that was understandable too as my wife has been talking about my life after she's gone. I know my wife is so scared of the future, I wish I could take away that pain.
I said I felt very alone and I didn't really know who to talk to, she said I have done all I can. I have this journal which I'm not sure anyone actually reads but is important to me to be completely open and honest rather than trying to hide and pretend everything is OK on say Facebook. I have running which I still do which helps keep me active and clears my mind. I have sort help in dealing with everything. I am trying to remain strong and positive in very, very difficult circumstances. I had a good cry and said there wasn't anything else I could do, I just have to try and stay strong. The counsellor said I was doing great but I shouldn't be alone, I need people I can talk to and just be myself even if it to rant and rave and they just listen, if nothing else just to know that I'm not alone because when the end does come there'd be nothing worst then dealing with it with no support.
Concerned with my anxiety regarding the appointment next week she arranged a follow up telephone call to discuss how it went and to point me in the direction of at future support.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had my fourth session on Friday, it's funny alway beforehand I think I have no idea what to talk about and I still end up running over.
I discussed my wife's therapy session and talked about grief and that's was right on the nose what I had been feeling and read her out the page my wife had been given including the stages = Loss - Disbelief/Denial - Sadness/Anger/Despair/Guilt/Punishment - Anxiety/Hopelessness/Helplessness - Acceptance & Reinvesting in life. She said that's all true but it doesn't mean it's in that order and you can also repeat the same pattern again as well as comments/events can set the cycle again. My wife and I may well both be going through grief but that didn't mean we were at the same stage. She said that we seem to be talking a lot more and there seems to be more acceptance that I'm trying to deal with this too and that she's not alone. As I explained my wife said I was being overprotective but then said she'd be worse.
I talked about thoughts of suicide and I said I won't but it still plays on my mind a lot, I talked about trying to escape the situation and wanting a way out. She asked why I thought about these things and I replied it's the age old questions- why am I here? Am I nothing more? What have I done to deserve this? What's the point in any of it? I said these questions enter my head all the time. Maybe there's a better after life. I said that my wife and I talked about her death after her hospital appointment and it was hard. She told me she's not afraid of dying she's a afraid of me being left alone and leaving me. I said to the counsellor why would I want to be in a world where she's not in it? That's hard.
She asked if that suicide wasn't selfish and I should think of my parents and possible futures, and that I could possibly have a future marriage with someone else and being a man I'm not limited by my body clock and therefore could still have children.
I said all this is true but I do wonder how successful in life I am and how successful I could be, I said how saddened I was to hear about Chester Bennington and how much I like Linkin Park. She asked if that wasn't a reason not too. I said that I was angry because he had 6 kids, was famous, rich and had been very successful and he had taken his own life. To me he had everything to live for, I said he does show that depression and abuse don't care about how successful you are but especially having 6 kids he shouldn't have taken his life because to me that is selfish.
I said atm I was afraid of the future and what it could be and that I analyse everything for risk and I'm afraid to pretty much do anything, my wife on the other hand has a new view on life and wants to do everything and anything. I said that scares me a lot and set my anxiety off. I said she has money and wants to live life while she can because she doesn't know how long she has left. I'm a bit more calious because I don't know how long I have and ATM I don't have a lot. She said that could cause conflict and I said it has done. I'm trying to let go and roll with things a little more and try and do things and not be so worried about things.
I was told it was striking the right balance and weighing up the risks and gains. I had said I play things too safe and I want to be more sex, drugs and rock n roll and get jealous of these people with a life fast, die young kinda attitude but again I'm fearful about things and don't want to die young or get STI's or do drugs but I do really want to life. I said I had a dream of being on my deathbed and regretting not living.
She said that I afraid of being left with nothing and I said I was, no wife, no job, no house, no money, no life, nothing at all and that scares me a lot.
She asked me what I wanted to focus on I trying to be happy and enjoy the time I still have with my wife and build some good memories
schnoodle: (Default)
I know I mentioned this yesterday but it was so hard saying goodbye to my wife at the airport, I'm glad to say she arrived all safe and well and I hope she has a good time. I'm in the house alone, I'm trying to keep busy, this morning I went for a run and texted my wife quickly as she was awake at 4am local time, 9am here.
The Macmillan nurse from the hospital called to speak to my wife and see how she was getting on and I explained where she was. I took the opportunity to ask some questions and she asked how I was coping. To be honest it was hard, she wasn't able to tell me what to expect regarding what would be happening, she said hopefully things will get better but they could also be worst she didn't want to build any hopes. All I can think I my wife is going to die, possibly sooner rather than later. That was the things about saying goodbye at the airport it felt like it really was goodbye, she said she's coming back but I felt how will it be like when she's seriously ill and she's gone forever. I cried because that was really on my mind, I will be alone in this world and I don't think I will be able to cope with her lost.
TalkIng to the nurse made me cry, as I can't cope with the idea, especially as there's nothing I can do.

I'm just trying to keep busy, try and be positive and hope for the best.

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