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This afternoon i had my final face to face counselling session, The counselling could not be extended any further than 9 sessions, originally there were only met to be 7 but I was given another 2 as she felt i needed it. She is putting me forward for group therapy, as she feels i still need help dealing with my emotions and stepping back. She says I deal with issues and problems generally very well and actually better than most, however i have a tendency to obsess about problems and let them overwhelm me emotionally even if I've actually dealt with the issue practically. I need to let to step back and say I have done enough and just let it go.
She asked how I was feeling and I said very anxious especially with regards to the appointment next week. I said my wife and I have been in limbo since April and we don't know what's going to happen, but everything has been leading up to this point and the future and what direction our lives will take will very much be effected. More treatment? How long she will have to live? They are all possible. Depending on the outcome I may well have to search for work again, I have been at home for almost a year now and the thought of going to work and leaving my wife home alone is also scary.
I said and he counsellor agreed that communication with my wife is much better, especially now I'm out trying to fix things all the time. It's still hard I explained that my wife doesn't think she'll I've another 4 years to make it to 40. The counsellor said that must be hard to hear. I said it is and that my wife has also looked into funerals and putting things in place. The counsellor said my wife is probably trying o be productive and keep busy, I replied I know that's exactly what it is and I know the time will come. I said I know we talked about life being a journey but I think when that day comes the journey will end and I will want to be with her. I also confessed that as horrible as it sounds when it does happen I want it to be quick and painless and that I have thought f a life after and how and what I think it'll be like, I'm to sure I want to face it. She said that was understandable too as my wife has been talking about my life after she's gone. I know my wife is so scared of the future, I wish I could take away that pain.
I said I felt very alone and I didn't really know who to talk to, she said I have done all I can. I have this journal which I'm not sure anyone actually reads but is important to me to be completely open and honest rather than trying to hide and pretend everything is OK on say Facebook. I have running which I still do which helps keep me active and clears my mind. I have sort help in dealing with everything. I am trying to remain strong and positive in very, very difficult circumstances. I had a good cry and said there wasn't anything else I could do, I just have to try and stay strong. The counsellor said I was doing great but I shouldn't be alone, I need people I can talk to and just be myself even if it to rant and rave and they just listen, if nothing else just to know that I'm not alone because when the end does come there'd be nothing worst then dealing with it with no support.
Concerned with my anxiety regarding the appointment next week she arranged a follow up telephone call to discuss how it went and to point me in the direction of at future support.

A future

May. 31st, 2017 12:04 pm
schnoodle: (Default)
Today has been a very positive day so far and there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. This morning we went to the hospital to the breast clinic for a checkup. The Macmillan nurse, asked if my wife had gone back to work and how active she'd been. My wife replied that she wasn't ready and that she was having problems with fatigue and wasn't able to do things. The nurse took us into a side room and said that that wasn't normal and that she should be doing better and that she was relying on me too much to do things. That we both needed to get on with life and we have gotten stuck. She said it was understandable with everything but that my wife's confidence had been shaken and she needs counselling to deal with everything and that was holding her back.
She also said something which was nice to hear that I had it in someways worst because I have been trying to help there's not much I can do and that recovery was really holding me back from getting a job and a life and that, she was relying on me to do everything which is very stressful and really wasn't doing me any good at all. I said I had real problems coping and I could only really feel I could go back to work when I knew my wife was able to go back to work and look after herself. The nurse kinda told my wife off and said you need to push yourself and do more and more by yourself.
Afterwards my wife was made it sound like I was holding her back and stopping her from doing things, this annoyed me a little bit because what I've said is if she has done something to take it easy and not push herself too hard. As in don't expect to run a marathon start slowly and build up, my wife has seen it as go max out and then don't try. The nurse said do simple things like get up and get a drink yourself, go for a walk, dress yourself. She said quite rightly my wife's the only one who knows how she feels and is therefore in control.
It feels nice that I might be able to get a bit more of my life back and become less of a carer as she'll be able to do more herself and rely on me less. We both feel we've been given a life and future back. The nurse said sure they'll be worries around appointments and they might be for years and years to come but you need to live your lives and breast cancer shouldn't be your life.

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