schnoodle: (Default)
It was the hardest thing to do this morning, I dropped my wife at Gatwick, made sure that her bags was checked in and walked her up to security and had to leave her. She cried, I cried. To be honest I didn't want her to go. I'm sure she'll have an amazing time with her half sister in Florida.
She did upset me a little bit but saying I need to say yes to things and my not coming with her was my fault. A little unfair as I've said before she asked me about going, told me in the bath and I said we'd discuss it later, she went and visited and friend and then booked her ticket. Saying she didn't think I was interested and she was worried her sister would try and sleep with me.
Anyway I reminded her that she was really going to have some quality time to really get to know her sister and that's what she wanted. It was also pointed out to her last week that she didn't really give me the chance to decide about going and that my saying I didn't want her spending her money on me was because I don't have the money and I'm worried about our finances. So looking out for us both, which she didn't really take into account. She asked if I was working and earning money if I would have gone and I gave a very clear yes.
I love my wife, I really do and I never want to slow her down or prevent her from doing anything, but there's cause and effect, although telling me I should say yes to everything I felt takes a little away from free will. If she had approached it differently and waited a little longer I probably would be going with her.

She flys out in 40 minutes and I just feel so empty without her, she keeps talking about how long she has left and it breaks my heart, when it does happen my heart and soul will be destroyed.
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife came back from visiting a friend for 2 days, I really missed her a lot and I really don't know how I'm going to handle her being away for 10 days. I'm going to try and keep busy with doing some painting/DIY around the house but I think I'm going to get quite lonely to be honest.
She said she was surprised how how much I'd missed her and she said that she thought I was in a mood with her and would be glad of the space. Which I didn't think I was, sure it was nice to get things done but I still love and miss her.
She's tired from all the walking and driving she'd done and seems a bit irritable, I said to her the main thing I want for for her to be happy. She turned around and said she wants me to be happy too and I need to be happy. I confess I'm not really that happy ATM but that's down to the situation and the feel of limbo, I really don't know what to do or what's best to do.
I'm not saying my wife has it any easier far from it but she has a far better idea of how she's feeling and what she's doing. I'm trying to support her and see it as my job to care for her as a carer but when that stops she has to tell me. I just don't want her to turn around and say well I don't need you anymore and I'm not stopping you from doing anything especially finding another job. I mean she has said that already and then needed me again so it's tricky, she's afraid, I know she is and I she thinks she'll need more chemo and her life is going to be short and doing want anyone holding her back.
She also says I have Asperger syndrome and OCD and I need to accept and deal with things which I'm trying to do.


schnoodle: (Default)

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