schnoodle: (Default)
I think things are getting better, my wife is recovering nicely and I'm hopeful that she won't need me quite so much so that it will be possible for me to get myself prepared to get back into work again even if it's just prepared I'd be happy. My wife's next hospital appointment with the surgeon and oncologist is in 6 weeks at the end of August, so I've a little hesitant to try and rush and find work because until they give her a prognosis and talk about further treatments, it might cause more problems especially if she needs more chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It's frustrating for both of us as we're kinda in limbo until we know.

My wife gets frustrated with me and I do understand why I do have a problem of I don't really like doing anything until I'm sure what's going on, I just don't feel comfortable and I'm very indecisive. My wife pushes me and pushes me, she says we're missing out or I'm missing doing things because I just won't do anything. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they come along my wife is planning lots of things.
Which I wouldn't have so much of a problem with if I was working or earning money. My wife's spending money, which I kinda have a problem with as I don't want her just going spend, spend, spend. I understand and know what she's thinking she's thinking I don't think I have long left I want to have as many experiences/visit as many places as possible. I'm more let's wait and see what the doctors say and try and save as much as possible as we don't know what will happen.
I spoke to the macmillan nurse who just said we were coping with it in different ways, either was wrong, but we need to be careful not to put too much pressure on ourselves.

Anyway my wife is off to Florida next week to see her half sister, people ask me if I'm going and I just say I can't afford it (which I can't) my wife offered to pay for me but then changed her mind because
1. She doesn't know her sister that well since she only got in contact like a year ago, and it'll be good for them to get to know one another better.
2. She's afraid her sister will try and jump into bed with me for some reason.
3. She asked me and then booked it without me, saying she didn't think I was interested (she asked when I was in the middle of something) so it was all my fault.
4. No one would be here to look after the cats
She booked a B&B close to Gatwick as she has a pretty early flight and we didn't want to try and get around the M25/M23 at stupid o clock.

My job while she's away is to do some DIY and painting, not something I especially want to do as I think it's all ok as it is but at least if she's not here I can do it all without her panicking which she sometimes does. She just thinks things should be done differently and then we get stressed about it it's like too many cooks. Anyway I'll get it done and then show her photos to check she's happy. I was quite pleased with myself last night I managed to raise the laminate flooring and replace some planks which needed replacing. Wasn't as easy as I thought as my father in law who laid it for us did some funny things but managed to do and and not really damage the old planks too much. Looks ok anywa, hopefully my wife will be happy enough. I might have to do it again but it'll be easier now I have a better idea what I'm doing.

2 weeks after my wife gets back, she's paid for us to go to Dublin for 4 days. This morning I've paid off the remaining balance of the holiday to Rhodes in September. I think my wife's planning to go to Germany or Belgium in November/December time.

Changing subject I met my old French teacher at the dentist this morning, hadn't seen her for 31 years, she said she remembered me, whether or not she really did after all I think I've changed a little since the age of 11 but it was polite of her to say anyway.

Generally everything else is going OK, I have my counselling start next Friday and I'm still doing running, doing 5k runs like every other day, which has really been helping with the stress and Anxiety.

Anyway I'm hoping things have started to get better and we'll soon be out of limbo.
schnoodle: (Default)
Yesterday's meeting with the ESA assessment people went ok, the lady said I shouldn't tell you this my I think no you have good reasons for not being able to work at the moment and you sound like you're going through a lot ATM. My wife has really been stressing me out and I've not really been able to work out what it actually is. Last night it clicked, I'm am very much dealing with the here and now, taking each day as it comes. My wife isn't, she's planning the future - leaving her job, moving house, going to university. This is great but she's not actually dealing with what is actually happening, I'm getting more and more stressed dealing with the important things that need to be done and she's not really helping with that. The planning is just adding more to my and she's can't understand why.
I explained it like this if your at work, generally you work time off especially if you have a busy work place then go to the travel agent and book the holiday. She's trying to do it the other way round to book and plan things and hoping it doesn't mess with anyone or anything else. There can be a lot of problems and extra stressed cause but not finding out things beforehand. I said to her I'm not trying to get negative or not committal but you're planning all these things and thinking life will be great, However you might end up making things worse and we could loose everything.
Sure we can move to somewhere cheaper to live and get a lesser mortgage, get a degree but if we both out of work we might loss a house even if it is cheaper.
There are too much unanswered questions, she still is a cancer patient and she doesn't know about further treatments. I feel like I'm shitting on her dreams but she needs to but in the real world and sometimes we can't just do what we want.

St the end of the day there are too many things currently beyond my control and I can do nothing about. I don't even have a job because things are beyond my control how she things we can do these things if neither of us is working.

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