schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my 8th counselling session I have one more to go as I was given an extension on the original 7 sessions due to the problems I've been having. There is talk of giving me extra help and support after they come to an end. This session seem to go by so fast, I didn't mean to but it all focused around my wife and the issues we've been having especiythis week because my results were so low. I just said she keeps snapping and having a go at me for everything and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.
My wife and I discussed it quickly before I left and my wife said that she knew she was being a complete cunt and asshole to me all week. I said I understand and I really do understand that she scared, frustrated and angry especially with the hospital appointment coming up it's making her worse. However although I'm understanding why I said to her it's still hurtful and wearing when I'm being verbally attacked and told to fuck off! on almost a daily basis. To give an example my wife was talking about her having a sore back yesterday and I acknowledged it and was snapped at and told to fuck off! And I replied well i don't know what I can do? I've suggested taking pain killers or a hot bath but you won't do that and say I'm not being helpful and telling me to fuck off! She then calms down and says she's sorry but it just goes on like this.
The counsellor said unfortunately there's nothing I can do, it's just a shitty situation and there's nothing anyone can do. The only think to probably do is don't try and fix it. She said I'm a fixer and I'm a good person to have in a crisis who has good suggestions and knows how to sort things but cancer isn't something I can fix. Trying to fix things probably by suggesting things is probably seen as not being helpful. I said it hard because I've tried a agreeing, not agreeing, staying quiet and try and adapt to the situation but she's just angry.
I described it a bit like meditation and I'm trying to keep equilibrium, my wife however swings sometimes switches violently between happy and sad. The counsellor said it sounds exhausting and I said it is, it really is. I have to really watch what I say and how I say it not to make things worse. I gave the example the other day but having an argument on something we were actually agreeing on.
I said it's not always about what I say either sometimes I'm accused of having a look in my eye or my body language and I'm giving off signals that I'm not even aware of. And told that I'm thinking a certain thing, as if I don't know my own mind.
I said I get angry too about some of the plans my wife talks about, it's good to have ideas about the future, but when she says things like your family will always give you money and we'll move out of the area and I'll study at university and you'll get a great job and you'll pay for everything, then it stresses me out. I said to the counsellor and I've told my wife also I focus on the day and the next day, it's good to have things to look forward to but at the moment I don't have a job and I don't have that much in savings and I don't know what the future will bring and it's stressful to put that pressure on me when I'm just trying to look after her and keep everything stable. I said she's like someone who's just got a credit card and is deciding all the things they can spend it on. I said she's not being reckless but she's not always considering all the consequences to living here and now. I understand again that's the cancer and she's worried she's not got long to life but at the same time I believe and hope she will have many years to come but again it needs balance. Otherwise it's like the person who is shocked when the card company want their money paid back. I said we have a mortgage and bills to pay and booking holidays and spending money have nice things is great but if you end up with no money and no roof other your head it's also worrying.
I said it was worse because appointment at the end of the month is coming up that would be a very good or very bad depending on what happens with that I would probably need more support because either way I think it's going to be rough.
As I say the session was over very quickly she said again there's nothing I can do but I needed to protect myself emotionally even if that was just going for a walk by myself to give myself a break.
schnoodle: (Default)
I think things are getting better, my wife is recovering nicely and I'm hopeful that she won't need me quite so much so that it will be possible for me to get myself prepared to get back into work again even if it's just prepared I'd be happy. My wife's next hospital appointment with the surgeon and oncologist is in 6 weeks at the end of August, so I've a little hesitant to try and rush and find work because until they give her a prognosis and talk about further treatments, it might cause more problems especially if she needs more chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It's frustrating for both of us as we're kinda in limbo until we know.

My wife gets frustrated with me and I do understand why I do have a problem of I don't really like doing anything until I'm sure what's going on, I just don't feel comfortable and I'm very indecisive. My wife pushes me and pushes me, she says we're missing out or I'm missing doing things because I just won't do anything. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they come along my wife is planning lots of things.
Which I wouldn't have so much of a problem with if I was working or earning money. My wife's spending money, which I kinda have a problem with as I don't want her just going spend, spend, spend. I understand and know what she's thinking she's thinking I don't think I have long left I want to have as many experiences/visit as many places as possible. I'm more let's wait and see what the doctors say and try and save as much as possible as we don't know what will happen.
I spoke to the macmillan nurse who just said we were coping with it in different ways, either was wrong, but we need to be careful not to put too much pressure on ourselves.

Anyway my wife is off to Florida next week to see her half sister, people ask me if I'm going and I just say I can't afford it (which I can't) my wife offered to pay for me but then changed her mind because
1. She doesn't know her sister that well since she only got in contact like a year ago, and it'll be good for them to get to know one another better.
2. She's afraid her sister will try and jump into bed with me for some reason.
3. She asked me and then booked it without me, saying she didn't think I was interested (she asked when I was in the middle of something) so it was all my fault.
4. No one would be here to look after the cats
She booked a B&B close to Gatwick as she has a pretty early flight and we didn't want to try and get around the M25/M23 at stupid o clock.

My job while she's away is to do some DIY and painting, not something I especially want to do as I think it's all ok as it is but at least if she's not here I can do it all without her panicking which she sometimes does. She just thinks things should be done differently and then we get stressed about it it's like too many cooks. Anyway I'll get it done and then show her photos to check she's happy. I was quite pleased with myself last night I managed to raise the laminate flooring and replace some planks which needed replacing. Wasn't as easy as I thought as my father in law who laid it for us did some funny things but managed to do and and not really damage the old planks too much. Looks ok anywa, hopefully my wife will be happy enough. I might have to do it again but it'll be easier now I have a better idea what I'm doing.

2 weeks after my wife gets back, she's paid for us to go to Dublin for 4 days. This morning I've paid off the remaining balance of the holiday to Rhodes in September. I think my wife's planning to go to Germany or Belgium in November/December time.

Changing subject I met my old French teacher at the dentist this morning, hadn't seen her for 31 years, she said she remembered me, whether or not she really did after all I think I've changed a little since the age of 11 but it was polite of her to say anyway.

Generally everything else is going OK, I have my counselling start next Friday and I'm still doing running, doing 5k runs like every other day, which has really been helping with the stress and Anxiety.

Anyway I'm hoping things have started to get better and we'll soon be out of limbo.
schnoodle: (Default)
Yesterday's meeting with the ESA assessment people went ok, the lady said I shouldn't tell you this my I think no you have good reasons for not being able to work at the moment and you sound like you're going through a lot ATM. My wife has really been stressing me out and I've not really been able to work out what it actually is. Last night it clicked, I'm am very much dealing with the here and now, taking each day as it comes. My wife isn't, she's planning the future - leaving her job, moving house, going to university. This is great but she's not actually dealing with what is actually happening, I'm getting more and more stressed dealing with the important things that need to be done and she's not really helping with that. The planning is just adding more to my and she's can't understand why.
I explained it like this if your at work, generally you work time off especially if you have a busy work place then go to the travel agent and book the holiday. She's trying to do it the other way round to book and plan things and hoping it doesn't mess with anyone or anything else. There can be a lot of problems and extra stressed cause but not finding out things beforehand. I said to her I'm not trying to get negative or not committal but you're planning all these things and thinking life will be great, However you might end up making things worse and we could loose everything.
Sure we can move to somewhere cheaper to live and get a lesser mortgage, get a degree but if we both out of work we might loss a house even if it is cheaper.
There are too much unanswered questions, she still is a cancer patient and she doesn't know about further treatments. I feel like I'm shitting on her dreams but she needs to but in the real world and sometimes we can't just do what we want.

St the end of the day there are too many things currently beyond my control and I can do nothing about. I don't even have a job because things are beyond my control how she things we can do these things if neither of us is working.

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