schnoodle: (Default)
I know I mentioned this yesterday but it was so hard saying goodbye to my wife at the airport, I'm glad to say she arrived all safe and well and I hope she has a good time. I'm in the house alone, I'm trying to keep busy, this morning I went for a run and texted my wife quickly as she was awake at 4am local time, 9am here.
The Macmillan nurse from the hospital called to speak to my wife and see how she was getting on and I explained where she was. I took the opportunity to ask some questions and she asked how I was coping. To be honest it was hard, she wasn't able to tell me what to expect regarding what would be happening, she said hopefully things will get better but they could also be worst she didn't want to build any hopes. All I can think I my wife is going to die, possibly sooner rather than later. That was the things about saying goodbye at the airport it felt like it really was goodbye, she said she's coming back but I felt how will it be like when she's seriously ill and she's gone forever. I cried because that was really on my mind, I will be alone in this world and I don't think I will be able to cope with her lost.
TalkIng to the nurse made me cry, as I can't cope with the idea, especially as there's nothing I can do.

I'm just trying to keep busy, try and be positive and hope for the best.
schnoodle: (Default)
It was the hardest thing to do this morning, I dropped my wife at Gatwick, made sure that her bags was checked in and walked her up to security and had to leave her. She cried, I cried. To be honest I didn't want her to go. I'm sure she'll have an amazing time with her half sister in Florida.
She did upset me a little bit but saying I need to say yes to things and my not coming with her was my fault. A little unfair as I've said before she asked me about going, told me in the bath and I said we'd discuss it later, she went and visited and friend and then booked her ticket. Saying she didn't think I was interested and she was worried her sister would try and sleep with me.
Anyway I reminded her that she was really going to have some quality time to really get to know her sister and that's what she wanted. It was also pointed out to her last week that she didn't really give me the chance to decide about going and that my saying I didn't want her spending her money on me was because I don't have the money and I'm worried about our finances. So looking out for us both, which she didn't really take into account. She asked if I was working and earning money if I would have gone and I gave a very clear yes.
I love my wife, I really do and I never want to slow her down or prevent her from doing anything, but there's cause and effect, although telling me I should say yes to everything I felt takes a little away from free will. If she had approached it differently and waited a little longer I probably would be going with her.

She flys out in 40 minutes and I just feel so empty without her, she keeps talking about how long she has left and it breaks my heart, when it does happen my heart and soul will be destroyed.


schnoodle: (Default)

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