Needed

Oct. 19th, 2017 12:20 pm
schnoodle: (Default)
Yesterday lunchtime my wife made me cry in a loving way, she said that she’d spoken with her counsellor and they’d talked about my anxiety recently and starting this job. The counsellor suggested that I may not feel needed. She asked me if that was true and I did say that my anxiety is worse because I’m worried about leaving her as well the job and getting back into the routine of working. She said that I was needed, loved and wanted and with that I started crying and I felt so loved in that moment.
schnoodle: (Default)
I have started a job, it’s a basically admin and doesn’t pay as much as I would like however it is for the civil service so it’s very easy going and flexible as long as you do the hours they don’t really care what time you arrive or go. This is all good but I am suffering a lot from the change it’s good because in someways it’s less stressful but in other ways it’s not I worry about my wife and leaving her alone all day and I’ve also had real problems sleeping due to the worrying. It’s silly and I know it is but it’s just getting use to things. It’ll be good for my wife and I as it will give us space from one another, we have hardly been away from one another for like a year and although it brings you close sometimes it’s just too close and we need the separate life’s. It will also help her get back into a routine of getting up and a regular time and she’s been kind enough to take me to the station, so she’s getting her life back too.

I’m just so, so tired just through lack of sleep, I tried and tried but the more I tried the harder it was and my mind was just racing. I’m going to take a sleeping pill tonight and hope that knocks me out.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had a conversation with one of my wife’s friends this morning and she said she really didn’t like being a woman and how said wished she could be a man and she hated labels, at the end of the day we’re all just mammals. I said I feel the same way, I sometimes think oh it’ll be nice to be a woman. I went on to say and she said it was partly my own fault for reading some of these Facebook articles, “10 things women would wish men would stop doing!” Etc. I said it pisses me off I can’t help the sex I am anymore then a woman can. It’s too easy to judge what different does it make? That’s when she said about all being mammals and I just thought I wish more people thought like that and why some people feel they have a sense of entitlement either as a man or a woman. Why can’t we all just be?
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife and one of her friends is currently in Ibiza which is good, they can relax and enjoy themselves and it also allows us to have a bit of a break from one another. As the old saying goes absence makes the heart grow stronger and I know we'll be so happy to see one another.
I popped into see relate earlier today and ask them about their services, I explained it's really hard because cancer is such a difficult subject, it's good to talk but at the same time it wont change anything. It's not like a issue with cheating or emotional distance or really something that you can just fix. One person or another to make steps to change their behavior.
You still want to talk about it but at the same time you don't because it's a constant reminder. My wife wants to be normal and to be treated as such but being a cancer patient she also doesn't need reminding of what's happening or the possible future and the possible time she has left. So finding that balance is tricky. However recently it has been difficult due to frustrations we both share and in avoiding talking about how we're feeling does lead to issues even if it's with the best of intentions, so maybe counselling would do us both good.

My wife and I have talked about her sister from USA a lot as she seems to have real problems with men and finding the right kind of man. When I say problems I don't mean he doesn't treat me well we're talking that all seem to end up with criminal issues. She asked me about the men over here and I said I'm not saying the men over here won't have issues but I think she'd be luckier finding ones which are quite so criminally minded. The guy she recently broke up with and came here to stay with us ended up being a wife beater and have all kinds of arrests for assault. I remember thinking there's something not quite right with the guy, I mean he was on he's best behavior but he always seemed to be looking for some kind of fight/argument.

A guy she's been having sex with on and off for the last 4/5 years has just been arrested for having secret video cameras all over he holiday home he was renting so he could record random people having sex and all kinds have strange things.

Anyway my wife said that was one of the reasons she fell in love with me as I'm pretty normal, I said well I don't know about normal I have probably as many weird and bizarre things go through my head however especially due to my anxiety I wouldn't feel comfortable doing half the things others might do. As I said to her I thought I could a speeding ticket and completely freaked out there's no way I'd do any crazy shit. In many ways I wish I could do more but I always try and play things safe and don't take risks. She said that she can live with that, that sure it's annoying sometimes and she needs to build my confidence and I need reassurance but at least she knows I'm safe and wouldn't intentionally screw anyone over.

I had an interesting chat with one of our friends who's helping find a job about the problems my wife and I have been having. She said something that was reassuring that she can see both sides and she wouldn't say anything to the other but and this is the thing, in someways things will be harder for me because although we don't like to think or talk about it my wife will die earlier than me and I will have to pick up the pieces of my life and I will need good friends around me to help me. I said I know it's something I try not to think of, in truth it's always at the back of my mind, it's just another think that's there in the background that I don't like to think of or talk about.

Connection

Oct. 5th, 2017 05:36 pm
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife and I talked more today, she said that she felt anxiety and she felt alone and neglected, like I didn’t understand, she’s frustrated and pissed off with me. It ends up we’re feeling exactly the same way. Different is I said I don’t think you’re really listening to me and you’re not telling me things and you’re expecting me to be a mind reader.
I told her I’m trying to take care of her but she’s fighting me, I said she’s overloading herself and the getting upset. It’s like an all or nothing with her atm. Shee been very difficult to deal with but she doesn’t see it. I said she needs to put herself first but also deal with the consequences and she needs to think about how it effects others including me. She’s looking to blame a lot about things that aren’t anyone’s fault.
I said I’m not pissed off or upset with her, I don’t blame her I blame cancer and how it’s make our lives. It’s upsetting and hard to deal with but it’s not her it’s the situation and I don’t think she always believes me. It was only when I said I spent an hour and a half talking to Macmillan about it she believed me. I also pointed out that she’s going through menopause and even the lady on the phone said that sends women a little nuts. I said I get it, I really do but you have to remember the effects this has on me.
My wife said she was worried about losing me and I said I’m not going anywhere but she’s been pushing and emotionally wearing me down. We both going through it and I think sometimes she forgets that we’re both effected.
I said she needs to tell me things nd I said I’m just as bad if not worse being a man but many of the things I don’t want to talk about because it’s just all about cancer and death and I don’t want to depress her or repeatedly go over and over it.
I said also that putting yourself first doesn’t me you get everything you’re own way and you still need to think how your actions impact others.
Anyway there’s a bit more love, communication and connection.
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife and I just had a bit of a fight where the tensions were released. She freaked out and told me that she was scared of me biting her head off because she hadn’t told me she was getting her eyebrows done. I was like what’s up with you? She said I had been stressed and hadn’t seemed myself and everyone thinks so! We then had a talk and I pointed out that she had been on and on at me and that she was wearing me down and she replied because I wasn’t agreeing with her. I said she asks for my thoughts I might agree with some of what she was saying but I don’t agree with the timing and that going on about things is just trying to break me down. We’re both after stress that’s not helping trying change my mind about things especially big things it’s not surprising I’m not in a good place. She’s talked about big life changing things moving home, leaving the country, moving to USA, quitting her job and dropping it all on my plate and then not dealing with it. It ends up being like kids asking if we’re there yet? After a while you just snap! Kids don’t mean to stress parents, they’re just being kids and my wife’s the same. She doesn’t mean it. He has cancer she’s frustrated and what’s to change her life but she needs to be patience and deal with getting better and for us both to be in the same place.
It’s like buying a car she said I have a problem with it, I don’t all. She said I wasn’t helping! I said she hadn’t asked for help and when she’d asked me questions which I didn’t know the answer would get angry when I’d reply I don’t know. I have the problem? I said if you ask for help I’d help but you haven’t.
I said you don’t always seem acting with your head more your heart. I’m trying to help you but you’re fighting against me and she said that’s cos you’re not agreeing with me and letting me do what I want.
Anyway she said she’s going to approach things differently and actually ask and tell me things and try and accept if I don’t always agree with her.
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife told me last night that her friends say I seem stressed, depressed, frustrated and aggressive. Strange thing is though no one has asked me if I’m ok, if anything’s wrong or bothering me and no one seems to understand what my problem is. Oh I don’t know maybe my wife has cancer, I’m not working atm, my wife doesn’t always want to help herself, she’s on hormone therapy which makes her emotional, has crazy ideas and doesn’t think she has long to life. I don’t see how any of that would be the least bit stressing or depressing, let alone everyone else seems to think their fine and I’m the only one who seems to have a problem.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had an interview this morning, which went ok I believe on my part However it was very clear they had no idea what they really wanted and they went willing to pay very much for what they did seem to want. I’ve just spoken to an agency who asked me what I wanted and what I was after and I honestly say I don’t really know anymore. I’ve got a meeting with the careers advisor at the job centre and I have to see my ESA job advisor too next week. I just think my confidence and everything that’s happened has shaken me a lot and I don’t believe I know what I’m doing anymore. I’ve lost faith in myself and my abilities. Apart of me wants a simple non stressful admin job, another part wants to try and build a Career apart of me thinks I’m getting too old to try and deal with that.
I’m still feeling a bit depressed, my birthday went better than I expected mainly as I didn’t have any expectations so my Mum, my wife and our friend went bowling and went for a meal afterwards. It was simple and pleasant. I took my wife to her work yesterday and they spoke to her about her options, it was actually really good cos they calmed her down and dealt with some of her fears. Which will it hopefully reduce her stress and therefore my own.

Stressed

Sep. 26th, 2017 01:54 pm
schnoodle: (Default)
I’ve been so stressed and suffered a lot from anxiety recently, I found it very difficult to deal with my wife depression and worries and she doesn’t been to but there are a lot of what ifs and other things I cannot answer. She wants to move house somewhere cheaper, she doesn’t want to return to work, she’s afraid she doesn’t have lot left. I say I don’t know what’s going to happen, I have no control what will happen. We’ll deal with things as and when they happen, until then please stop worrying as it’s very stressful. I don’t have a job and some of these things might have to happen but until that just stop! It’s effecting of own confidence about things and I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. I don’t want if I’m doing the right things and I question things. I don’t know if I got a speeding ticket on the way back from the airport and I’m stressed. I’m sexually frustrated and don’t know what to do about that either. Just feel messed up

Away

Sep. 18th, 2017 02:47 pm
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife and I are currently in Rhodes, my in laws are also here as they booked 2 weeks away we only booked a week due to our budget. I'm feeling a bit frustrated, my father in law seems to think I'm rich and keeps getting me to buy drinks when he's not doing that he states how much their half is when out for meals so the waiter will take the menus and he'll start working it out and say that's €23! I feel like saying what you not paying for us then?? I mean I understand working things out when the bill arrives but he acts like we're going to cheat him out of money. It's just the way he is, he likes to know what's going on and make sure everyone knows what's going on. Normally it's not a problem but when on holiday it becomes a bit much. It's like they want to know when we're going to wake up so I'm setting alarms but then they're like well wake up whenever, but when are you going to wake up?
My wife said the other day she doesn't really want to have sex anymore, it's too painful and she doesn't really feel in the mood any more. I understand all the hormone therapy messes with her emotions and she can be really irritable. She almost went mental at a waiter today and she gets snappy. I've asked her many times this week what I've done and she apologises saying it's not me.
I feel frustrated and feel sometimes I can't win. I want a sex life and for it to be fun, I'm hoping it will happen. My wife says she wishes she wanted sex to feel closer but just isn't up for it.
I've contacted the careers advisor to see if I can sort my CV out and start searching again.
My dad called yesterday and seemed angry that I was in Greece with a how can you afford it kinda attitude and sounded disappointed. I said we'd booked it like a year ago and how was his holiday and he seemed to calm down a bit.
My wife still talks about moving to north England or Wales somewhere cheaper, that stresses me out a little.
One thing I have notice as well and I brought to my wife's attention is the fact she tries to assign blame even if it's no ones fault. There's been a few times when she says it's not my fault it's yours because I didn't do something or other and if I had it wouldn't have happened. I reply I didn't think it was your fault, I didn't think it was mine either I think it just happened and no one is to blame. She will then reply saying ok, but it's not mine. That gets frustrating I said to her sometimes no one is to blame so please stop blaming me for things, as I never blame you for anything.
schnoodle: (Default)
This afternoon i had my final face to face counselling session, The counselling could not be extended any further than 9 sessions, originally there were only met to be 7 but I was given another 2 as she felt i needed it. She is putting me forward for group therapy, as she feels i still need help dealing with my emotions and stepping back. She says I deal with issues and problems generally very well and actually better than most, however i have a tendency to obsess about problems and let them overwhelm me emotionally even if I've actually dealt with the issue practically. I need to let to step back and say I have done enough and just let it go.
She asked how I was feeling and I said very anxious especially with regards to the appointment next week. I said my wife and I have been in limbo since April and we don't know what's going to happen, but everything has been leading up to this point and the future and what direction our lives will take will very much be effected. More treatment? How long she will have to live? They are all possible. Depending on the outcome I may well have to search for work again, I have been at home for almost a year now and the thought of going to work and leaving my wife home alone is also scary.
I said and he counsellor agreed that communication with my wife is much better, especially now I'm out trying to fix things all the time. It's still hard I explained that my wife doesn't think she'll I've another 4 years to make it to 40. The counsellor said that must be hard to hear. I said it is and that my wife has also looked into funerals and putting things in place. The counsellor said my wife is probably trying o be productive and keep busy, I replied I know that's exactly what it is and I know the time will come. I said I know we talked about life being a journey but I think when that day comes the journey will end and I will want to be with her. I also confessed that as horrible as it sounds when it does happen I want it to be quick and painless and that I have thought f a life after and how and what I think it'll be like, I'm to sure I want to face it. She said that was understandable too as my wife has been talking about my life after she's gone. I know my wife is so scared of the future, I wish I could take away that pain.
I said I felt very alone and I didn't really know who to talk to, she said I have done all I can. I have this journal which I'm not sure anyone actually reads but is important to me to be completely open and honest rather than trying to hide and pretend everything is OK on say Facebook. I have running which I still do which helps keep me active and clears my mind. I have sort help in dealing with everything. I am trying to remain strong and positive in very, very difficult circumstances. I had a good cry and said there wasn't anything else I could do, I just have to try and stay strong. The counsellor said I was doing great but I shouldn't be alone, I need people I can talk to and just be myself even if it to rant and rave and they just listen, if nothing else just to know that I'm not alone because when the end does come there'd be nothing worst then dealing with it with no support.
Concerned with my anxiety regarding the appointment next week she arranged a follow up telephone call to discuss how it went and to point me in the direction of at future support.
schnoodle: (Default)
This morning I had my 8th counselling session I have one more to go as I was given an extension on the original 7 sessions due to the problems I've been having. There is talk of giving me extra help and support after they come to an end. This session seem to go by so fast, I didn't mean to but it all focused around my wife and the issues we've been having especiythis week because my results were so low. I just said she keeps snapping and having a go at me for everything and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.
My wife and I discussed it quickly before I left and my wife said that she knew she was being a complete cunt and asshole to me all week. I said I understand and I really do understand that she scared, frustrated and angry especially with the hospital appointment coming up it's making her worse. However although I'm understanding why I said to her it's still hurtful and wearing when I'm being verbally attacked and told to fuck off! on almost a daily basis. To give an example my wife was talking about her having a sore back yesterday and I acknowledged it and was snapped at and told to fuck off! And I replied well i don't know what I can do? I've suggested taking pain killers or a hot bath but you won't do that and say I'm not being helpful and telling me to fuck off! She then calms down and says she's sorry but it just goes on like this.
The counsellor said unfortunately there's nothing I can do, it's just a shitty situation and there's nothing anyone can do. The only think to probably do is don't try and fix it. She said I'm a fixer and I'm a good person to have in a crisis who has good suggestions and knows how to sort things but cancer isn't something I can fix. Trying to fix things probably by suggesting things is probably seen as not being helpful. I said it hard because I've tried a agreeing, not agreeing, staying quiet and try and adapt to the situation but she's just angry.
I described it a bit like meditation and I'm trying to keep equilibrium, my wife however swings sometimes switches violently between happy and sad. The counsellor said it sounds exhausting and I said it is, it really is. I have to really watch what I say and how I say it not to make things worse. I gave the example the other day but having an argument on something we were actually agreeing on.
I said it's not always about what I say either sometimes I'm accused of having a look in my eye or my body language and I'm giving off signals that I'm not even aware of. And told that I'm thinking a certain thing, as if I don't know my own mind.
I said I get angry too about some of the plans my wife talks about, it's good to have ideas about the future, but when she says things like your family will always give you money and we'll move out of the area and I'll study at university and you'll get a great job and you'll pay for everything, then it stresses me out. I said to the counsellor and I've told my wife also I focus on the day and the next day, it's good to have things to look forward to but at the moment I don't have a job and I don't have that much in savings and I don't know what the future will bring and it's stressful to put that pressure on me when I'm just trying to look after her and keep everything stable. I said she's like someone who's just got a credit card and is deciding all the things they can spend it on. I said she's not being reckless but she's not always considering all the consequences to living here and now. I understand again that's the cancer and she's worried she's not got long to life but at the same time I believe and hope she will have many years to come but again it needs balance. Otherwise it's like the person who is shocked when the card company want their money paid back. I said we have a mortgage and bills to pay and booking holidays and spending money have nice things is great but if you end up with no money and no roof other your head it's also worrying.
I said it was worse because appointment at the end of the month is coming up that would be a very good or very bad depending on what happens with that I would probably need more support because either way I think it's going to be rough.
As I say the session was over very quickly she said again there's nothing I can do but I needed to protect myself emotionally even if that was just going for a walk by myself to give myself a break.

Irritable

Aug. 16th, 2017 11:23 am
schnoodle: (Default)
Things have been stressful in the last week my wife has been very irritable, which in turn makes me irritable. I completely understand why she feels the way she does, she's afraid and worried about further treatments and the hospital appointment at the end of the month. Trouble is she takes it out on me and I end up thinking what the fuck did I do? She calms down and she's sorry and says she's a complete cunt and admits that I haven't done anything wrong or at least not intentionally anyway. I mean she lost it over my Mum and I discussing whether my mum she get now tv and said I was being difficult and doing it on propose. I was trying to make her angry,
Anyway I try to them let it go but I still get irritated by everything afterwards, I almost lost it doing the washing up because I found a chip in a bowl. I wanted to scream and smash it on the floor in stead I just said for fucks sake! There have just been other things and we've just been snappy with one another.
Case in point we just had a bit of a fight and said we should stop fight because I'm actually agreeing with her and not dismissing her but there's no point in arguing over something we're agreeing on.
schnoodle: (Default)
Just finished my counselling session she said my results from my questionnaire was a great improvement and maybe we have reached a turning point, she asked what I had been doing/thinking this week to get such a positive outlook. I said a few things had happened this week
1. I had dug a tree stump up and although it in itself wasn't a big deal, it had been harder than I thought it would be, it had taken a lot of work and energy but I felt it was a big achievement as it was something I had been putting off for over 2 years. So I was pleased with myself for doing it.
2. My wife's sister is coming over from Florida in a couple of weeks and we have been busy trying to get the house sorted for guests, this again involves things we have been putting off for a while and we have been sorting as well as tidying.
3. I had to go to the Job Centre to meet my work coach on Wednesday to keep getting my ESA and I thought they were going to give me such a hard time, but infact were really understanding, he said we want to help you and your wife in this difficult time and support you and help you get back into work when you are ready. I was grateful for this as I said I wanted to get back to work but until my wife was well enough and I also felt ready considering my emotional breakdown I did need the help and I was grateful for it as I didn't want to get caught up in the benefit system. Being at work would do me good, it would give me structure, routine and working again with people.
4. This is a bit of a weird one, I went to get a new light bulb from Homebase yesterday and bumped into a girl I used to go to College with who I hadn't seen in like 18 years. I met her daughter who is 20, it was a bit awkward as she has a habit of speaking at you but it was interesting to discuss what has happened in the time apart from the fact she has a grown up daughter. She said that she thought of me only the other day. This amazed me because I can say that she hadn't really crossed my mind at all but she remembered me fondly and said she remembered my art and me being so confident and creative.
I said it made me think what happened and why am I in the state that I'm in? Is in a midlife crisis? Just a low point? Have I always been like this? I said it made me think "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." why am I always back here?
I said "suicide is painless" from MASH had been going around in my head a lot, she was a bit worried about this but then I played it for her and she was surprised it was so upbeat. I said it's from a comedy and that it's really about duality and I said the words rang true for me:
"The game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna lose it anyway, The losing card I'll someday lay so this is all I have to say. suicide is painless, it brings on many changes and I can take or leave it if I please."
So basically I don't know I can do but I can't win and I won't win because I will die someday but as she was saying it about life as a journey.

She asked me some interesting questions one of which was do you think of yourself as an adult? Which made me stop and say someways yes in otherways no. I don't feel any different to as I did as a child and in many ways. I said that there's a part of me that's never really wanted to grow up, that responsibility, deal with things.
I did have a time when I was in my teens when I had a "fuck it" attitude and damn the consequences however over the years I have been more thoughtful and considered my actions and taken responsibility. Inside I've felt afraid like a small child who just wants to hide. I have had to deal with everything but I don't really always know how to really cope and deal with situations not emotionally anyway.
She said as an adult I need to take risk to grow and make myself happy. She said that I seem to sabotage myself.
We discussed working and my meeting at the job centre she said it risks are important to grow and move in a career, I said that for me it's been very difficult because although she said I should take control and take risks regarding work to move forward in my career I said for my last 4 roles I've not had a choice and I've been made redundant and I have been loyal and not had the company care about me. She said I had been through a lot and my confidence had been destroyed and needed building up. My upbringing had also messed with my head. She asked me about taking risks and I replied my grandmother voice enters my had and tells me not to do it, play it safe.
She said I'm an adult and I need to learn to take risks and take the power back but I seem to be realising this and slowly she thinks I'm reexaminating my benefits, reckoning and coming to terms with the issues I have.
schnoodle: (Default)
Today I had my 6th counselling session, it was a hard session I said I wanted to control my suicidal thoughts, but in fact I'm not necessary doing it to myself but I described these thoughts which she said are brutal and I'm often the victim. For example I said a lot of the time I'm trying to sleep and these thoughts pop into my head, I said I'd asked my mum if she still owned an axe because there's a tree I want to dig up and cut the roots, later that night I had a version of an axe splitting my head open and chopping me to pieces.
She asked me how often I got thoughts like this and I said pretty much every day/night, I don't really want to think these thoughts but for some reason I deserve it and that in some ways they should happen. She said I was mentally self harming and that I'm trying to take emotional anger and pain and mentality trying to make that physical and a way of coming to terms and dealing with it.
We talked my wife's cancer and the reasons to life and I said that I wanted to feel like I wanted to live but really what is there to live for? I'm some day going to die and my wife's going to die and it's like a game I cannot win. She reminded me that she wasn't dead yet and I should try and enjoy life especially the time left, I can be happy and a future and life is a journey. I have been through a lot of trauma and had to deal with a lot, I have a lot of anger and frustration and lack of control, that I'm going through a lot and that I need to look after myself and I'm worth it, we're going through a hard time but we're together and life is not over. My frustrations are because life isn't fair and that I'm trying to make sense of life and death and ATM it's in sharp focus.
I did cry a bit, I said she's making me face myself and my thoughts and feelings. She said I have to remember that my wife is being treated and looked after but someone needs to take care of me too and I need to remember that, I'm suffered maybe not physically but emotionally I'm going through a lot.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had my 5th counselling session on Monday, the counsellor was worried because my results of my questionnaire showed signs of being suicidal. I said I didn't know about that but I was certainly fed up, and pissed off, she asked me to explain further. I explained that on the Saturday I'd gone into London with my wife to have her gastric band adjusted and I kept getting emails and a call from my mum regarding her cat she'd not seen for 4 days. She sent me a missing cat poster which I had to redo because she'd put too much information on there. Like he's a lovely cat and I've spent my time looking since Tuesday etc. So I had to redo it by simplifying it and adding things like MISSING CAT and a phone number and removing all of things she'd done. I Said no one interested, all their interested in is what the cat looks like when it went missing, where it went missing and contact number. Anyway I did this all on my phone. I said I'd pop over there to help her look and to hand out these posters. So we got back from London early especially and I go other there. To be greeted by my mum asked why I hadn't printed the posters off, I'm like I've been in London all day and I emailed you the poster so you could print it! She then told me her printer hasn't been used in like 6 years. I'm like when I don't have any ink in my printer so I'll have to do it later and so it wasn't a wasted trip I would help her look for the cat. So we looked and couldn't find him, my mum spoke to a random neighbor who she was convinced had stolen her cat.
Anyway here's the bit that upset me, back at hers I asked if she was ok and she lose it completely at me, everything was my fault, she's old and can't do anything. She'd asked me to replace some of her flooring and I hadn't done it, everything with me is conditional, I don't care, all I want is her money. I was like ???? What the hell? I'm like what are you on about? I've helped you do the poster? I've come around to help you look for your cat? You offered me money for new printer cartridges which I accepted. You have offered me money to help me out. I haven't asked for the money. I'm very grateful but it's not my fault. She replied I shouldn't accept what's been offered! I'm like what offer then?
As for the floor I wasn't confident enough to do the floor at the time and as for being old and not able to do anything that's not my fault either. I pointed out that she has more then one son, she just said my brother was next to useless and she never bothers him.
I stood my ground and just said your upset about your cat but that's no reason to take it all out on me! She replied who else am I going to take it out on. Anyway in the end she said she was sorry and she loved me.
The following day she called and said I need you to arrange an appointment at the vets and I need you to take me because about 30 minutes after I left her car came back.
So on the Monday I did, I was still however really cross with her, because going through enough shit at the moment and I don't need adding to it especially over her cat.
My mum apologised again and said that she was really sorry I said that she'd really hurt me and that I'd been feeling down all weekend because of it and she should understand what I'm going through and accept my help and not cause me more problems. The counsellor said I've done very well and I had actually stood up for myself that this was a good step good progress and I said that with my mother I can be quite direct and open again with everything else it's not something I feel I have to deal with. The counsellor said I was emotionally vulnerable at the moment and my mother was playing the victim, to make me do things for her and that again I'd done really well. I said I had stood up to her but emotionally it was too much. She said I was a good problem solver and I had a rational brain.
I was a bit annoyed because talking about this experience took pretty much the whole session and it wasn't something I wanted to take about considering how much sessions I have left. The counsellor said it was good because it gave her another insight into how much mind works and the relationship with my mother.
schnoodle: (Default)
I had my fourth session on Friday, it's funny alway beforehand I think I have no idea what to talk about and I still end up running over.
I discussed my wife's therapy session and talked about grief and that's was right on the nose what I had been feeling and read her out the page my wife had been given including the stages = Loss - Disbelief/Denial - Sadness/Anger/Despair/Guilt/Punishment - Anxiety/Hopelessness/Helplessness - Acceptance & Reinvesting in life. She said that's all true but it doesn't mean it's in that order and you can also repeat the same pattern again as well as comments/events can set the cycle again. My wife and I may well both be going through grief but that didn't mean we were at the same stage. She said that we seem to be talking a lot more and there seems to be more acceptance that I'm trying to deal with this too and that she's not alone. As I explained my wife said I was being overprotective but then said she'd be worse.
I talked about thoughts of suicide and I said I won't but it still plays on my mind a lot, I talked about trying to escape the situation and wanting a way out. She asked why I thought about these things and I replied it's the age old questions- why am I here? Am I nothing more? What have I done to deserve this? What's the point in any of it? I said these questions enter my head all the time. Maybe there's a better after life. I said that my wife and I talked about her death after her hospital appointment and it was hard. She told me she's not afraid of dying she's a afraid of me being left alone and leaving me. I said to the counsellor why would I want to be in a world where she's not in it? That's hard.
She asked if that suicide wasn't selfish and I should think of my parents and possible futures, and that I could possibly have a future marriage with someone else and being a man I'm not limited by my body clock and therefore could still have children.
I said all this is true but I do wonder how successful in life I am and how successful I could be, I said how saddened I was to hear about Chester Bennington and how much I like Linkin Park. She asked if that wasn't a reason not too. I said that I was angry because he had 6 kids, was famous, rich and had been very successful and he had taken his own life. To me he had everything to live for, I said he does show that depression and abuse don't care about how successful you are but especially having 6 kids he shouldn't have taken his life because to me that is selfish.
I said atm I was afraid of the future and what it could be and that I analyse everything for risk and I'm afraid to pretty much do anything, my wife on the other hand has a new view on life and wants to do everything and anything. I said that scares me a lot and set my anxiety off. I said she has money and wants to live life while she can because she doesn't know how long she has left. I'm a bit more calious because I don't know how long I have and ATM I don't have a lot. She said that could cause conflict and I said it has done. I'm trying to let go and roll with things a little more and try and do things and not be so worried about things.
I was told it was striking the right balance and weighing up the risks and gains. I had said I play things too safe and I want to be more sex, drugs and rock n roll and get jealous of these people with a life fast, die young kinda attitude but again I'm fearful about things and don't want to die young or get STI's or do drugs but I do really want to life. I said I had a dream of being on my deathbed and regretting not living.
She said that I afraid of being left with nothing and I said I was, no wife, no job, no house, no money, no life, nothing at all and that scares me a lot.
She asked me what I wanted to focus on I trying to be happy and enjoy the time I still have with my wife and build some good memories

Grief

Jul. 20th, 2017 07:18 am
schnoodle: (Default)
My wife's therapy went well yesterday, she talked about how she's been feeling and what she'd like to achieve by having a bucket list. One of the interesting comments from the therapist was that my wife and I are suffering from grief and we're both in morning. For the life we could have had and trying to cope with what will happen sooner or later.
A friend last night said no one knows how much time they have and that you might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I get that, but that is an accident rather than knowing what will happen even if you don't know when. It's a hard thing to deal with and it needs to be talked about. My therapist asked my wife what she thought would make me happy, she said that was easy I would like to know how long, to plan and know what to do. However I also don't want to know because I don't want to face it either. I'm hoping that the doctors at the end of august will give us a better idea of what will happen next.
schnoodle: (Default)
I'm currently sitting in a hospital waiting room, my wife is currently seeing a psychiatrist to talk about what's happening and face the fact she has cancer and it's effects. It's going to be tough I think as I don't think and my wife has admitted that she hasn't been dealing with it. This morning was my old PE teacher's retirement assembly and my wife is determined that I should make it I arrived 5 minutes late which was pretty good considering how late we were running. I shook my old teachers hand and said congratulations on his retirement, I was told it would be about 10 minutes long, originally I was told it would be from 8.30am until 9am but it was changed to 8.55am until 9.05am. I had explained to my old school friend that I wouldn't be able to stay long due to wanting to be there for my wife. She had been let down by lots of people so I felt I had to be there, however I can't be in two places at once. By 9.25am we were still waiting on the sidelines and I just couldn't wait any longer. I said to my friend that I had to go and was thanked by some of the teachers for coming. My wife was sat in the car and we went off to hospital and got to her appointment on time.
She gave me a bit of a hard time and said I should have driven to the assembly and she could have gone to the appointment by herself and she didn't need me there.
I said no because it's her first appointment, it came along first and I wanted to be there to support her especially afterwards. The main reason for going to the assembly was to support my friend more then anything else, as she'd been let down by so many people from school. Was a hard time to get there really as most people will be working.
Anyway in the end she said I was being overprotective, however she thought about it and said if the shoe was on the other foot she'd be worse and probably wouldn't let me wipe my on bum and would never leave myself she'd be that protective, I pointed out I wasn't that bad but it was nice to see where I was coming from.
schnoodle: (Default)
Counselling I'm told is going well and going in a good direction. I think it's going well not sure of the direction. She is focused a lot on my childhood, I told her a word which kept popping into my head while I was trying to sleep the other night - "deserve". I deserve to suffer, you deserve this, you deserve everything you get... she said there's a lot of self loathing and a lot of anger in general. She asked where some of that came from and again asked about my childhood I said I had a primary school teacher who hated boys and terrified me, there was real focus on how wonderful girls were pretty, clear, wee behaved. Boys were stupid, naughty and should be seen and not heard. I said there was a lot of sugar and spice and all things nice that's what little girls are made of, slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails that's what little boys are made of.
I said I felt when I was growing up and possibly because I didn't really hang around many boys, mainly girls, I was made to feel that men are evil, responsible for all the problems in the world and all bastards. Also that I was male because I was different and wasn't normal, always in the friends zone and a real none entity.
I said I feel labelled as being a man, we're always only after one thing, don't understand, create all the problems in the world, responsible for everything. However we are all raised my women and a lot of how we view the world actually comes from women. I said if a women is interested and open about sex wants and desires she's considered liberated and confident if it's a man he is considered to be a pervert and deviant. Of course this isn't always the case, but we do seem to like giving labels. Yet sexual feelings are a basic human need, it's part of our DNA. It brought about discussion about different generations and what is considered normal, most of the rules we life by are stupid social inventions.
I said I remember having a bit of an argument with a girl I knew and she was complaining about the attention she was getting "how would you like it if everyone wanted to penetrate you!!!" I replied it depended if I wanted penetrating? How would you feel if no one wanted to penetrate you? You'd be complaining that no one was giving you any attention. You can't have it both ways or all on your own terms. She used to complain a lot about boys not being interested. I said I didn't feel people, girls especially were interested in me, so I was actually jealous.
I was very depressed and numb while growing up and spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, my emotions were very shut off. This was mainly due to the normal boys don't cry or some their emotions. I also said that my mother used to say I had a bad temper and I would end up killing someone and ending up in prison. I needed to learn control and hide my temper.
Work was also discussed and lack of progression as well as control and I wondered if I had held myself back and if unknowingly I had sabotaged myself choosing safe options and not taking risks, not liking the attention especially being dyslexic. I said it's odd sometimes I'm an attention seeker but it someone else makes me the centre of attention I don't like it and shut up and you wouldn't even know I was there.
We discussed again how I felt and thought about things growing up, she said she thought part of the problem was I was never really asked how I really felt about things or what I thought. My self identify wasn't properly developed and I was just expected to accept things and not to really question things.

Profile

schnoodle: (Default)
schnoodle

October 2017

S M T W T F S
123 4 567
8 91011 121314
1516 1718 192021
22232425262728
293031    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 20th, 2017 06:39 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios