schnoodle: (Default)
schnoodle ([personal profile] schnoodle) wrote2017-05-11 06:42 pm

Run down and hide away

I've not been well and feeling really run down, i have a cold, spots and just feel rubbish, I think it's because I've not really been coping. Everything came to ahead this week when I went to sign back on jobseekers and actually told by them that they didn't think I was fit for work and what with the stress and pressure of being a full time carer and everything that goes with it. I was amazed I was actually getting help, I wish I'd gotten this help last time, instead I went through so many tears and stress trying to do everything.they said I should claim for ESA - employment support allowance. He said in my situation there's no way I'd be able to get a job, he said your a full time carer in the same way s being a full time single parent there's no way you'll really be able to work and you need to accept that.
So I've made a claim for that and we'll what happens I'm applying for careers allowance and council tax benefit. I never knew I could apply for these things, no one ever explained or said otherwise.
I need a doctors note to say that I'm suffering from stress and depression which is true and no lie. My journal can confirm that. My Facebook is a different matter, I either put on a happy face or don't say anything and it's not really me. It has However been depressing me further, especially my sister and brother in law having a baby and my brother about to have a baby. How everyone is enjoying holidays and buying fancy houses and cars etc. I know it's not it's not really true and other people have problems but it's a reminder of all the things I don't have, we can't have a baby, I don't have a job or lots of money and can't really on holiday. There's so much stress and worry about money and future. Facebook just a reminder of all the things I can't do or change, so I've turned off the notifications and alerts and going to look at it and post less. I'm hoping that it'll help me rebalance and deal with reality. I think it was partly due to that stress control courses which focused on what was real and what is imaginary, I have enough real stress and issues rather than see how great everyone else is doing.
I'm hoping this will help me feel better but I think it's the right thing to do, I will probably update this journal more.
My wife is pushing herself more and more to do things, she's booked swimming lessons, gym classes, gentle regular exercise, I hope she's not putting herself too much, she done too much today and went to bed at 6pm. She's also booked a flight to Florida to see her half sister, I'm a little worried about that but I will be with her before and it's only the flight she will be alone for and her sister will look after her at the other end. I'm hoping it goes well and it won't be too much.
My wife and I had a good conversation and she said she was worried about me and I'm only human and had the right to feel, I said I didn't feel I could feel and I'm very frustrated - emotionally, sexually, career, money, babies and I don't know what to do about it, I'm trying to accept things but it's not easy. She said I'm doing so much and there's only so much I can do.
I'm going to try and be good and look after myself