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Just finished my counselling session she said my results from my questionnaire was a great improvement and maybe we have reached a turning point, she asked what I had been doing/thinking this week to get such a positive outlook. I said a few things had happened this week
1. I had dug a tree stump up and although it in itself wasn't a big deal, it had been harder than I thought it would be, it had taken a lot of work and energy but I felt it was a big achievement as it was something I had been putting off for over 2 years. So I was pleased with myself for doing it.
2. My wife's sister is coming over from Florida in a couple of weeks and we have been busy trying to get the house sorted for guests, this again involves things we have been putting off for a while and we have been sorting as well as tidying.
3. I had to go to the Job Centre to meet my work coach on Wednesday to keep getting my ESA and I thought they were going to give me such a hard time, but infact were really understanding, he said we want to help you and your wife in this difficult time and support you and help you get back into work when you are ready. I was grateful for this as I said I wanted to get back to work but until my wife was well enough and I also felt ready considering my emotional breakdown I did need the help and I was grateful for it as I didn't want to get caught up in the benefit system. Being at work would do me good, it would give me structure, routine and working again with people.
4. This is a bit of a weird one, I went to get a new light bulb from Homebase yesterday and bumped into a girl I used to go to College with who I hadn't seen in like 18 years. I met her daughter who is 20, it was a bit awkward as she has a habit of speaking at you but it was interesting to discuss what has happened in the time apart from the fact she has a grown up daughter. She said that she thought of me only the other day. This amazed me because I can say that she hadn't really crossed my mind at all but she remembered me fondly and said she remembered my art and me being so confident and creative.
I said it made me think what happened and why am I in the state that I'm in? Is in a midlife crisis? Just a low point? Have I always been like this? I said it made me think "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." why am I always back here?
I said "suicide is painless" from MASH had been going around in my head a lot, she was a bit worried about this but then I played it for her and she was surprised it was so upbeat. I said it's from a comedy and that it's really about duality and I said the words rang true for me:
"The game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna lose it anyway, The losing card I'll someday lay so this is all I have to say. suicide is painless, it brings on many changes and I can take or leave it if I please."
So basically I don't know I can do but I can't win and I won't win because I will die someday but as she was saying it about life as a journey.

She asked me some interesting questions one of which was do you think of yourself as an adult? Which made me stop and say someways yes in otherways no. I don't feel any different to as I did as a child and in many ways. I said that there's a part of me that's never really wanted to grow up, that responsibility, deal with things.
I did have a time when I was in my teens when I had a "fuck it" attitude and damn the consequences however over the years I have been more thoughtful and considered my actions and taken responsibility. Inside I've felt afraid like a small child who just wants to hide. I have had to deal with everything but I don't really always know how to really cope and deal with situations not emotionally anyway.
She said as an adult I need to take risk to grow and make myself happy. She said that I seem to sabotage myself.
We discussed working and my meeting at the job centre she said it risks are important to grow and move in a career, I said that for me it's been very difficult because although she said I should take control and take risks regarding work to move forward in my career I said for my last 4 roles I've not had a choice and I've been made redundant and I have been loyal and not had the company care about me. She said I had been through a lot and my confidence had been destroyed and needed building up. My upbringing had also messed with my head. She asked me about taking risks and I replied my grandmother voice enters my had and tells me not to do it, play it safe.
She said I'm an adult and I need to learn to take risks and take the power back but I seem to be realising this and slowly she thinks I'm reexaminating my benefits, reckoning and coming to terms with the issues I have.

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