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I had my fourth session on Friday, it's funny alway beforehand I think I have no idea what to talk about and I still end up running over.
I discussed my wife's therapy session and talked about grief and that's was right on the nose what I had been feeling and read her out the page my wife had been given including the stages = Loss - Disbelief/Denial - Sadness/Anger/Despair/Guilt/Punishment - Anxiety/Hopelessness/Helplessness - Acceptance & Reinvesting in life. She said that's all true but it doesn't mean it's in that order and you can also repeat the same pattern again as well as comments/events can set the cycle again. My wife and I may well both be going through grief but that didn't mean we were at the same stage. She said that we seem to be talking a lot more and there seems to be more acceptance that I'm trying to deal with this too and that she's not alone. As I explained my wife said I was being overprotective but then said she'd be worse.
I talked about thoughts of suicide and I said I won't but it still plays on my mind a lot, I talked about trying to escape the situation and wanting a way out. She asked why I thought about these things and I replied it's the age old questions- why am I here? Am I nothing more? What have I done to deserve this? What's the point in any of it? I said these questions enter my head all the time. Maybe there's a better after life. I said that my wife and I talked about her death after her hospital appointment and it was hard. She told me she's not afraid of dying she's a afraid of me being left alone and leaving me. I said to the counsellor why would I want to be in a world where she's not in it? That's hard.
She asked if that suicide wasn't selfish and I should think of my parents and possible futures, and that I could possibly have a future marriage with someone else and being a man I'm not limited by my body clock and therefore could still have children.
I said all this is true but I do wonder how successful in life I am and how successful I could be, I said how saddened I was to hear about Chester Bennington and how much I like Linkin Park. She asked if that wasn't a reason not too. I said that I was angry because he had 6 kids, was famous, rich and had been very successful and he had taken his own life. To me he had everything to live for, I said he does show that depression and abuse don't care about how successful you are but especially having 6 kids he shouldn't have taken his life because to me that is selfish.
I said atm I was afraid of the future and what it could be and that I analyse everything for risk and I'm afraid to pretty much do anything, my wife on the other hand has a new view on life and wants to do everything and anything. I said that scares me a lot and set my anxiety off. I said she has money and wants to live life while she can because she doesn't know how long she has left. I'm a bit more calious because I don't know how long I have and ATM I don't have a lot. She said that could cause conflict and I said it has done. I'm trying to let go and roll with things a little more and try and do things and not be so worried about things.
I was told it was striking the right balance and weighing up the risks and gains. I had said I play things too safe and I want to be more sex, drugs and rock n roll and get jealous of these people with a life fast, die young kinda attitude but again I'm fearful about things and don't want to die young or get STI's or do drugs but I do really want to life. I said I had a dream of being on my deathbed and regretting not living.
She said that I afraid of being left with nothing and I said I was, no wife, no job, no house, no money, no life, nothing at all and that scares me a lot.
She asked me what I wanted to focus on I trying to be happy and enjoy the time I still have with my wife and build some good memories

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